Check out this hilarious clip of Mario's internal monologue as he races through a level. He just wants to find the princess and get laid...if only the flaming sticks and bottomless pits didn't get in the way.

Here's a totally friendly memo from the New York Times that went out to all their freelancers, apropos of nothing in particular, reminding them to please not accept free stuff. Looks like someone is in trouble!

On Friday's Ricky Gervais Show, Karl Pilkington unearths some stomach-churning facts about a half human, half chimpanzee that had a way with human ladies. UK Documentary footage proves Karl to be correct(?!) after the jump!

Yes, he's coming back. Also today: news from pilot season, the USA network just keeps getting weirder, and a Showtime series finds its villain.

Cult classic Teen Witch promoted a feel-good "magic's on the inside" message, keeping it real (or really lame) by breaking out the boombox. The lip-synced rap is so awful and catchy it must be witchcraft. Blame it on the boogie-magic.

And it's a good one! In what may be the best series on the internet, Mike Leiderman tells a little ditty about an 80-year-old man, an 18-year-old babysitter, and a lot of sex. Enjoy!

MTV is having all their top moneymakers examined. Kate Gosselin hates the dancing stars in her galaxy. Corey Feldman is banned from Corey Haim's funeral. Martha Stewart can't get laid. Monday's gossip got up an hour late.

This is brilliant in its simplicity. Using only one color on an LED screen and two buttons for move forward and jump, Carnegie Mellon student Chloe Fan recreates the original Super Mario Bros (without any secrets, though).

"The Daily Beast can now describe" the John Edwards sex tape "in detail, based on accounts from multiple people who have watched it...." Good morning!

BIRTHDAYS

Think outside the box! Make something of yourself! Live an inspired life! These sayings are completely meaningless unless specific examples are shown, or they're accompanied by an awesome video. Langara College's Rethink Scholarship chose to go with the awesome video.

If there was one creature in the world that deserves a theme song it is this one.

This A-lister is into S/M, another star must leave his sunglasses on in bed, and an actress likes to bed down with her brother and his wife. Next to them, a cheating actor looks normal. Today's safe word is "gossip."

This weekend Alice beat Matt who beat Jay, but barely. Jay beat James but only because James is old. Marty and Leo keep beating each other. Yes, in that way.

Riding bikes on rickety ramps, jumping off ridiculously high platforms or simply smashing into stuff. Kids just don't have common sense. In this original compilation, we've spliced together the stupidest, funniest and most painful kid mishaps into a single video.

Gilbert Gottfried hasn't exactly been getting tons of work lately. He was fine in Hysterical Psycho, but other than that, it's been slim pickins. So if a voiceover gig for a shoehorn-on-a-stick comes along, Gottfried is very available.

Some dogs are cuter than others, some dogs are smarter than others, but there's at least one moment in every dogs life where they're hilarious.

[Teen scenesters Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are accompanied by a random weirdo to church, actual Church, yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

According to those who work with them, anyway, via the AP. "Experts say coming out late in life comes with a unique set of hurdles. That includes fear of being shunned by children and grandchildren and a sense of loss over having fewer years to live life outside the closet." Who precisely are these experts? What is their job title?