In your woofin' Wednesday media column: Arianna Huffington's allotment of celebrity seats at the White House Correspondents Dinner is the greatest issue facing journalism in America, the National Enquirer was stiffed, BusinessWeek is clueless, and an alt-weekly loses.

This marvel of musical mayhem wants you to think that its first episode this year is about rebirth and reintroduction, but it's really about letting the heart heal after saying goodbye. And what a salve it is!

On last night's Jeopardy!, more than biographical tidbits were revealed when Alex Trebek asked a forensic scientist about his job. The guy works with illicit drugs mostly, and apparently, Alex has some experience in that area.

Good news? CIA Deputy Director Steve Kappes is retiring. Everyone on the Hill liked this guy, who basically runs the agency's day-to-day operations, but Washingtonian recently pointed out that his hands are covered in blood.

Jay surprised Adam West fanboy Nic Cage with the Batman star himself, and the two action stars faced off in a Batman quiz. In the words of Cage, "I don't know how I can beat Batman in a Batman quiz."

The American Mustache Institute is calling for the Mustached American Tax Incentive to help defray the costs of mustache maintenance, since mustached Americans improve American good looks and stimulate the economy. Sounds about right, actually.

David Michel Davies is the Executive Producer of the Webby Awards, now in it's 14th year. But the morning anchors on Good Day had no idea how popular the awards actually are.

On last night's gregarious gay Elvis-themed extravaganza, we American idol worshipers were treated to the mentoring stylings of what is perhaps the show's most ludicrous contestant. Adam Lambert, what's your function?

The duo discuss the inspiration for the show's bicentennial episode, which features Tom Cruise, Kanye West and basically every other celebrity the show has managed to piss off ganging up to file a lawsuit against the town.

Kelly Ripa tells Regis about her first time playing beer pong with Jimmy Fallon. It may have been boring as hell, but Kelly's lingo in her play-by-play are about as inappropriate as Kelly playing beer pong in the first place.

There are indeed two sides to "the Confederacy debate"—the side that committed treason in order to protect the institution of slavery, and the side of America. Next on CNN: Pearl Harbor—did we have it coming?

Most shows have tension building up before a revealing episode airs, but with LOST, nobody is ever completely sure what happened, nor does anyone catch all the secrets that were revealed. The Top-5 places for day-after essentials after the jump.

Important political news or whatever: Spitzer superfriend Ashley Dupre's Playboy shoot is out, and here is a respectable, newsworthy sample. Smut peddler Foster Kamer has a more NSFW version at the Village Voice. Commence puns now. More censored shots below.

Apple delayed the international release of the iPad by one month, to the end of May, citing overwhelming domestic demand. Not that the world is necessarily hungry for the tablet-shaped embodiment of American consumerism: Israel just seized 10 iPads.

Check out this sketch from everyone's favorite Canadian parody news show This Hour Has 22 Minutes. If you are unfamiliar with this show don't feel bad. I mean the only Canadian show Americans really watch is Degrassi. It's a fact.

There seems to be a similarity among individuals I've spoken to (and myself) who have got into a routine of watching Modern Family. It rubs us the wrong way. We continue to watch it.

The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal are locked in an old-fashioned newspaper war that will likely cost them both millions. But NYT publisher Pinch Sulzberger is still worried about being called a girly-man. UPDATE: The NYT responds!

Ignoring the history of scientific observation, ICP's "Miracles" asks the tough questions ("fuckin' magnets: how do they work?"), and investigates every order of natural phenomena, from rainbows to DNA, chocking it all up to magic. There's no denying Juggalogic!

Which celeb has Cammie been sneaking around with? Why is Charlie Sheen wearing a disguise to have an affair? Is Madonna really sending the kids to public school? How much did Eliot Spitzer spend on hookers? Wednesday's gossip is puzzled.

Ex-Secretary of State Colin Powell has gone "Apple crazy" and is now "considering joining Twitter."