If my life were made into a movie, if would probably have to come with this warning: It is recommended that you take a Xanax before viewing this film. No, seriously. It would.

He wants to make a snuff film and she has a reputation for coke-fueled sexcapades that would make the Marquis de Sade blush. Maybe they should make a movie together?

Because we are Not Afraid to Be Servicey, we frequently receive emails from our out-of-touch-with-reality readers, who expect that we can put them in touch with prominent people. Today, we will. Hearst president Cathie Black: you have an angry reader.

This cat looks into the mirror and clearly doesn't like what he sees.

[Of course they're fucking Yankees fans. Joe and Nick Jonas, of seminal acid-prog rock trio the Jonas Brothers, at Evil Empire stadium last night. Also, Jeter sucks. Iimage via Splash]

With the release of the appropriately monstro-schlocky Shrek Forever After on IMAX, movie tickets (in Manhattan, at least) are passing the "symbolically important" $20 price point. Yea, you know what else is symbolically important? Netflix. [WSJ]

Facing arrest, LiLo frantically emails her richest friends, then posts bail. Did Nicole Kidman get a boob job? Kevin Jonas and his wife sleep in separate beds. Jenna Bush keeps getting embarrassed by her dad. TGIFriday gossip.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

TV newsman Vince Dementri got in trouble at his old job in Philly for physically intimidating a coworker. Nevertheless, the (self-described) "fearless" news director at WPIX-11 in NYC hired him in March. Yesterday, DeMentri slapped a chauffeur. Whoops.

An intrepid masked thief, or thieves, broke into Paris' Museum of Modern Art yesterday and took five paintings by Picasso, Matisse, Braque, Modigliani and Leger, worth $123m. Officials admit, according to the BBC, that the alarm system was not working.

This little girl's affirmation is cute until it becomes a little disturbing. She's either set for a career as a life coach or on the road to complete psychosis.

Jaunty underground vandalartist Poster Boy was sentenced to 11 months in prison by a cranky judge last week, but now he's free on bail. Facebook and stencil artist lobbyists really work. Run, Poster Boy! (Don't really). [Subway Art Blog]

The Chicago Asian Carp genocide has officially begun.

The exiled Tibetan spiritual leader is holding court in New York, where yesterday he said Marxism has "moral ethics" and capitalism is solely about "how to make profits." Event tickets were between $20-$60. He's holding a Twitter Q&A today, too!

The owner of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, Transocean, held survivors for nearly two days after the explosion with no outside contact at all. Was it an attempt to exhaust workers so they would sign away the company's liability?

A Staten Island teacher won an initial court ruling after she was suspended for allowing students to write down penis-related Yiddishisms in an HIV education class. She is now seeking $1 million in damages from the city. [NYT, pic]

A Sicilian advertising agency rolled out 18-foot posters of Hitler in pink uniform across the capital city, Palermo, to promote a teen clothing line with the slogan: "Change Style—Don't Follow Your Leader." Some people are quite angry. [Telegraph]

Director of National Intelligence Dennis C. Blair, the nation's top-ranking intelligence officer, resigned on Thursday, partly because no one liked him very much, and partly because no one really knows what his job even entails. Welcome to Washington, D.C.!

Hillary Clinton, kicking off a big tour of Asia, has arrived in Japan.

Starting in June, some street vendors will be outfitted with credit-card machines as part of a trial program. "Kebabs" can now be added to the list of things you will go into debt over. [NYP; pic via Tom Lin's Flickr]