Going to an EDM show is already self-troll of sorts, but it helps if the DJ has contempt for the crowd too. Hope you brought enough “molly” pills to ride this one out!

A German man admitted in court that he drugged his girlfriend’s tea one summer night last year so she wouldn’t interrupt his computer game session with a friend. He confessed his crime to her the day after it happened, and was finally convicted of assault this week. He’ll be fined 500 euros.

In the summer, Manhattan doesn’t just smell like garbage—it is actual garbage. If you’re stuck in the city while all your friends escape to their share-house hellholes and parents’ country houses, it’s easy to fall for the city’s summer siren call. Outdoor drinking, yoga in the park, free movie screenings, it all sounds so wonderful, right? Sure, I guess—there’s no accounting for taste.

A tipster just sent us the video above, which appears to show a (large, male) manger at a Manhattan Panera Bread location punching the hell out of a (small, female) unruly employee.

Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake announced that she fired Baltimore police commissioner Anthony W. Batts this afternoon, three months after Freddie Gray died in police custody. Deputy Police Commissioner Kevin Davis will replace Batts on an interim basis.

Was Bill Murray the dopest person in the 70,000-strong crowd at the Grateful Dead’s last concert Sunday? Obviously that’s hard to quantify, but I’d argue yeah, no doubt.

Seventeen years (?) ago today—on July 8, 1998—Jaden Christopher Syre Smith revealed his existence to us. In that short time, Jaden has bestowed a lifetime’s worth of wisdom to his devoted, and ever-growing, faction of true believers: prana energry, high level imagimathematics (a.k.a. “Patterns, boom!”), The Orgonite Society, and spirit science.

Three hours and 38 minutes after trading was suspended because of a technical glitch, the New York Stock Exchange has officially reopened.

The rules of beer pong vary from region to region—Is blowing allowed? When can you rerack the cups? What should we pee on and whose dad is getting us all jobs after graduation?—but it’s universally understood that defenders should create a distraction while their opponents are shooting. That distraction probably shouldn’t be a gun, though.

The footage above is incredible, perhaps era-defining. Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis refused to issue a marriage license to a man named David V. Moore and his male partner of 17 years when they went to the Rowan County Clerk’s Office in Morehead, Kentucky on Monday. The pair were made to wait around while others cut ahead of them. When they finally were acknowledged by those working in the office, they were told to go to another county courthouse to obtain their license.

Joseph Rosenfeld, a 15-year-old Virginia wise guy who visited the Boston Museum of Science in June only to allegedly find an error in a 34-year-old exhibit on the Golden Ratio there, had his ass handed to him by an MIT professor who says that actually his “correction” was wrong. Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dip.

Have you noticed anything odd going on this morning? Oh yes. Let us be the first to tell you that the time to panic is upon us.

Citing dismal conditions at Rikers Island and a 16-year-old who committed suicide after he was jailed without charges for three years, the city of New York announced Wednesday plans to eliminate bail requirements for non-violent and low-level offenders.

The New York Stock Exchange suspended all trading at about 11:32 this morning, reportedly because of technical issues.

At 5:30 a.m., I decided to leave the prayer hall early and go back to bed.

A Texas man was killed Tuesday after he launched a firework off his chest, Houston’s KPRC reported.

Moments after the Supreme Court guaranteed everyone in the country the right to marry the person of their choosing this past Friday, gay America’s greatest allies sprung into action, loudly broadcasting their support for the decision. Without a thought to detractors, without a worry about the shrinking minority of people who oppose same-sex marriage, brands everywhere stood up and took a brave stand by changing their Twitter avatars to include rainbows.

JPMorgan Chase will reportedly pay at least $125 million to settle state and federal investigations into illegal debt collection methods. Compared to some of the other stuff they’ve done lately, that’s not bad! Give Jamie Dimon another raise.

Here are the first lines of today’s column by the Washington Post’s Kathleen Parker, the real life version of a white character from The Help, in which she bemoans the present day profusion of “showoffs” who engage in “narcissistic indulgence.”

Usually flying United is a last resort; today it’s a total wash: the airline has reportedly grounded all flights across the United States because of a global computer “automation issue.”