Filthy rich racist emailer Carl Paladino, who is running for governor of New York with Tea Party backing, says he would like to house welfare recipients in converted prison dorms, where "we'll teach them personal hygiene."

A 19-year-old bank robber in Germany emailed newspapers to correct factual errors about his recent heist. Police traced the email and arrested him. This guy should be an honorary inductee in the non-existent Fact-checkers Hall of Fame. [Reuters] (via Bullfightsonacid)

Shocker: The company set to run the Aqueduct racino in Queens may have ties to the mob.

Sorry, we're trying to be more copacetic about bedbugs. But, they've invaded the Empire State Building! Towering symbol of modernity? New York icon? Bed bugs don't give a bed bug fuck. They're taking it down, from the bottom up.

[A young Chinese tourist wears a traditional Tibetan outfit at the inland salt water Qinghai Lake, in Qinghai Province, China today. Image via Getty]

Just minutes after reports surfaced that secret-sharing website Wikileaks' founder Julian Assange was accused of rape and "molestation" he was un-accused of rape. Swedish police now say the rape accusations are "unfounded." (But not the molestation accusation.)

Our lazy, undercover Muslim president, Barack Obama, is having a picnic on the beach today.

Sure, stoning is a harsh punishment. But how about having your spinal cord severed on court orders? That's what one man in Saudi Arabia is facing, after paralyzing another man in a fight over two years ago. A little brutal?

Sam Mazzola keeps a large collection of bears, wolves and tigers at his home in Ohio. He's let people take on "Caesar the Wrestling Bear" for money. Shockingly, on Thursday one of his bears attacked and killed a caretaker.

Before The Floating Opera (1957) and Gravity's Rainbow (1973) the metanarrative was already quite popular. True, the profound truths of postmodernism were not yet encased within bulky manuscripts, instead they were animated shorts, each less than ten minutes long.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's Sex Tape Will Feature pre- and post-op Heidi. Lindsay Lohan can't exercise. Real Housewives of New Jersey blow-up! Saturday Gossip Round-up is part of the problem.

Xe Services, the mercenary group formerly known as Blackwater Worldwide, has agreed to pay $42 million in fines for violating US weapon export laws. No big deal though, since the market for mercenaries in Iraq and Afghanistan is still booming.

New Jersey resident Wyclef Jean was rejected late yesterday by Haiti's electoral council in his bid to become president of Haiti. Though Jean is bowing out with "a heavy heart," now he can focus on spending his charity's money.

Today, a video of a panda gettin' his groove on circulated online. The only problem with it? The videographer's annoying narration. Well, problem solved: here's your Partytime Panda/Antoine Dodson "Bed Intruder Song" mashup. I dare you not to love this.

One might wonder what was a defining moment in the life of comedian Louis C.K. In this clip, the comedian paints a picture of his most important childhood memory.

[This grasshopper was just out shopping today with the rest of the people in SoHo. All he found was something trashy. Image via AP]

This week people got punked by the Biebs, fired by Bravo, Tweeted by Palin, and trashed by Apple. Let's take a look back.

The Internet's been buzzing all day about "Fuck You," a new track from Cee-Lo Green. The only negative here is that it didn't come out in time to be dubbed "Song of the Summer," because it's criminally catchy. Listen inside.

Oh, Pulpo Paul, how we've missed you! We've missed your cute tentacles; your handsome, bulbous head; your psychic prowess. You'd retired, but now you're back, and we couldn't be happier. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Paul has pulled a Favre.

It's Friday—aka cute cat video time! Here's an adorable collection of kittens chillin' on their owner's area rug. Two of them become startled when the rug moves and subsequently perform the most inadvertently cute acrobatics ever. Watch inside.