Today we looked at how middle school is absolutely useless. It is so useless! Well, most of the time. As one commenter demonstrated, one can learn a few important things in those awkward limbo years.

Bad writing can't even be blamed for the train wreck that is Hair Battle Spectacular. This week the contestants were given "Vampires" as the challenge theme, but their interpretations of said theme sounded like really cheesy Gothic pulp fiction summaries.

[Spencer Pratt is a savage cyclops tending to Heidi Montag's herd of frilly puppies in Costa Rica. Look out, Odysseus is hiding in the pelt of the one on the right. Image via Pacific Coast News.]

Last night on Scrappers Frankie Noots thought he'd struck gold in the form of a "Picasso Print." So, who did he consult for advice on the matter? Sotheby's or Christie's? Too busy. Better get a hold of Sal the Barber.

We should expect an epic, national-sized discussion when Catfish arrives in theaters, as it's destined to inspire a conversation that's been in the making for years, one we should've addressed awhile ago: the danger inherent in social networking.

Dear humorously named people of America: Thank you for committing crimes. Mirinda Boob—wife of the late Samuel Boob—is thought to have conspired to murder her husband. Luckily for headline writers, one of the conspirators' names was Kermit Butts.

James Jay Lee, the hostage-taker armed with guns and explosives at Discovery Channel's headquarters, has been shot and apprehended. His explosives partially went off during the shoot-out. Hostages are safe, though. Update: NBC News reports that Lee is dead.

This morning's Fox & Friends was the usual black hole of sadness and despair, but luckily, dancing Alvin Greene livened things up! Here is the senatorial hopeful shaking his groove thing.

Do you like to text, but get slapped by women because you hit the wrong keys and write things you don't mean? Then buy Textees, a stupid rubber thing that you put on your thumb! Watch the cringe-worthy infomercial inside.

The Glee kids get Simpsons-ized, Kelsey Grammer wants a Fraiser spin-off, WIll Forte didn't leave Saturday Night Live for a movie career, George Takei will play himself on The Big Bang Theory, Walking Dead gets renewed before first episode airs, and more fictional TV/Movie business cards inside!

If you've ever wondered what TV would be like if Planet of the Apes really happened? Maybe it would have looked something like this nonsensical video.

Weird playboy billionaire Jeff Greene, still bitter over his random, failed Senate campaign in Florida, will sue two newspapers for $500 million over some inaccuracies in their otherwise brutal campaign exposes. He's really not taking this loss well, huh?

To tastefully honor the late Princess Diana on the anniversary of her death, a Chinese lingerie company made this ad urging you to "Feel the Romance of British Royalty." That's so thoughtful. [Daily Mail]

We really should have gone to see Law Abiding Citizen! We really should have. Also today: Somehow a young filmmaker gets his shot, casting news for two Showtime shows, and renewal news for two TNT series.

TONIGHT: Lots of variety! We've got new episodes of Big Brother 12, The Real World, MasterChef, Minute to Win It, America's Got Talent, Top Chef, Man vs. Wild, and more, plus Anna Wintour and Marc Jacobs on Late Night.

It's an age old question. What happens when an unstoppable train meets an innocent cow? This video—featuring a speeding train and a cow waiting around on the tracks—will attempt to answer that question.

Today at Gawker.TV, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon are a couple of iceholes, Louis CK finds his religion, Cee-Lo Green releases an official video for his new hit single, and Kate Hudson and Rachel Zoe are suddenly best friends.

Congratulations to killjoy117 for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

This is schadenfreude at its finest! Check out this video of Demi Moore "dancing" on stage with Snoop Dogg and husband Ashton Kutcher, during a recent Las Vegas concert. If Moore had a day job, she should stick to it.

Nothing good ever comes of "Hey pretty girl, do you want to drink this?" A stranger approached a 28-year-old woman yesterday, said that, and then tossed a cup of acid in her face. This story is stomach-churning.