Congratulations, Gays! Your problems are over now that Lady Gaga held a rally in favor of repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell. Equality, she says, is the 'prime rib of America,' and everyone deserves to wear a "meat dress".

Jho Low is the big-spending nightclub "whale" who hangs with Paris Hilton. Now he's boasting to Malaysian media that he'll be bringing Hollywood to the Southeast Asian country. Page Six is going to need a foreign correspondent!

An unidentified man opened fire at Fort Bliss, Texas, shooting two women before being killed.

Bristol Palin made her long-awaited Dancing with the Stars debut tonight. She danced the Cha-Cha-Cha! She did not do it well! Yes, it turns out Palin is about as good at dancing as she is at using contraception. Watch inside.

Look, we're all post-racial liberal elites here who love us some New Yorker cartoons. But we can't help but think this week's winner of the cartoon caption contest is a bit offensive.

What do you get when you teach an inner city school in Oakland? Wearing tight pants? Brent Weinbach knows. He also knows what to say to a girl when you're wearing a chastity belt.

Today in worm-in-eyeballs news: A man in Bellevue, Iowa learned he had a worm living in his eyeball. So he did what anyone would do when faced with such a situation: He called an Animal Planet reality show.

[Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad couldn't get by without his trusty earpiece today when he visited the United Nations for the start of the three-day Millennium Development Goals summit, which focuses on global poverty. Image via Getty]

Do you recall when the gang from The Office told Kevin that his voice sounded like Cookie Monster's? Thanks to the internet, we have a video of Sesame Street's resident cookie fiend with Kevin's voiced dubbed over it. Hilarious!

Mark Hurd is paying dearly to roll with Oracle. The misbehaving former Hewlett Packard CEO will give up millions of dollars to settle an HP lawsuit and continue working with fellow bad boys at Oracle. He's an eternal bro.

Are you ready? Ready for yet another season of Dancing with the Stars? If so, you're in luck: tonight, at 8:00 PM ET on ABC, the season kicks off with a two-hour premiere event! More inside, plus your open thread.

Our long national nightmare is over: Dancing With The Stars returns tonight. Oh, and also the Olsen twins have finally sold their 5,700-square-foot five-bedroom penthouse in the Far West Village's 1 Morton Square condo castle, the same penthouse that Mary-Kate and Ashley—who today's kids think are famous for being fashion designers—never occupied and have been trying to sell since 2005.

[Paris Hilton's attorney couldn't keep his eyes to himself when the heiress appeared in a Las Vegas courtroom today. She pleaded guilty to cocaine possession and will serve a year of probation, but won't serve jail time. Image via AP]

To boost sales, Wal-Mart is looking to open smaller stores in urban areas, and the chain is planning several 20,000-square-foot outposts in Queens and lower Manhattan. Great, now everything will be a Duane Reade, Starbucks, bank branch, or Wal-Mart.

Star of Community and host to The Soup Joel McHale opened up about his childhood on Friday's Tonight Show. We bet you didn't know he has two brothers, grew up in Jersey (pre-tanning frenzy) and loved to play with fire.

With your help, maybe we can finally destroy Christmas once and for all this year. When we talk about destroying Christmas, you guys comment. And every time you comment, an angel loses its wings! Let's see what you said today.

In this clip you'll see Ma, the original battle-axe hassle every single person who tries to help her renew her license. You've got to see Ma yell at her driving instructor, Chuck (Chad) for trying to teach how to drive!

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell hastily dismissed her witchcraft background this weekend, after Bill Maher released an old tape of her describing high-school experimentation with satanic altars. Now the Witch Community is furious, and will transform O'Donnell into a carrot.

On Larry King Thursday, Jerry Seinfeld will reveal "one of Hollywood's best kept secrets." Taste?

Sometimes, dogs amaze you with their stupidity; other times, they amaze you with their smarts. We're not sure which of the two this video—of a dog who is very confused by an escalator—falls under, but it's still cute.