Susan Boyle went on Oprah to promote her memoir and got to talking about bullies. She had a Scottish "they were rascals" (hear Craig Ferguson saying that) stance, but Oprah, maniacal as ever, suggested a revenge. Find out what here:

The Defense Department acknowledged today that it's allowing openly gay people to join now, following a court decision—still under appeal—that struck down "Don't Ask Don't Tell." Openly straight people are still allowed to join, too.

A miracle of technology has allowed us to see Jessica Alba naked, even though she swore never to go nude in a movie: She filmed a Machete shower scene in her undies, which retouchers later peeled off, with computers.

Kanye West visited Ellen today to talk about his upcoming music video film, "Runaway." When DeGeneres asked him to explain the thinking behind his Taylor Swift interruption, West blamed alcohol, culture warring (is he Bill O'Reilly?), and more! Watch inside.

Tribune CEO Randy Michaels: Still not fired or forced to resign! Not today, at least.

The Glee kids take over next month's GQ, Conan's house band gets a name, NBC renews a slew of new shows—including Outsourced if you can believe it!

Barack Obama will wisely flee the country and its many newly elected Republican officials immediately after election day, for Asia. During the India portion, however, he may not visit a historic Sikh temple because of its head-covering requirement.

Beautiful moments ahead: Girls Gone Wild impresario and Douche of the Decade Joe Francis is finally "tying the knot" with his beloved, CBS Entertainment reporter Christina McLarty. In a "civil domestic partnership." We're invited! Well—to the "press epicenter."

The Way We Live Now: emerging cautiously into the terrifying light. Sure, being an "emerging market" is better than being a "scum-ridden basement of a Third World hellhole market," but it's not all good. There's the ominous money, for example.

According to a new study, the country lost $32.9 billion in 2007 from delayed flights, including $8.3 billion in added expenses for airlines. Maybe airlines could save cash making their flights run on schedule before charging us $25 a bag?

Meet Cooper! Cooper is a cat. Cooper likes bananas. And, while the whole cat-eating-fruit thing has been done before (and better, IMO) by Rich Juzwiak/Winston, here's a cute video of Cooper eating a banana while dressed as a banana split.

Democratic senate candidate Rodney Glassman seems to think that his music video "Sweet Home Arizona" is pretty awesome. But unless Arizonans are predominantly wilted flower children who love to tailgate, this must be one of the worst campaign videos imaginable.

TONIGHT: Lots of TV! We've got the season premiere of Millionaire Matchmaker, plus new episodes of No Ordinary Family, The Good Wife, Running Wilde, Detroit 1-8-7, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, The Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Stars, and much more.

This is the Obamarator, a vibrator modeled after the 44th President of the United States of America, Barack Obama. It can be yours! All you have to do is write a dirty story starring the Commander in Chief.

Last weekend, San Francisco played host to an air show. And while the Blue Angels were the stars, this incredible video—of a Boeing 747 flying just barely over the Golden Gate Bridge—is truly a sight to be seen.

He just might be if rumors are to be believed. Also today: News about three of your favorite NBC shows, Ben Affleck mulls his next directing project, and some small bits of casting.

Continuing with her fear-mongering weight loss regime, hot-but-cruel Jackie Warner taunts her D-listers with the ultimate temptation test: appetizers. Watch as Thintervention's not-quite-celebrity contestants turn ugly at the sight of coconut shrimp, colbie burgers, and bread baskets. Dun. Dun. Dun.

[Bruce Willis picks up Helen Mirren's dropped earring at the "Red" premiere in London. Photo via Splash]

Sweat lodges! Tuna poisoning! Viagra dystrophy! Doctor impatience! Strength in adversity! Missing marathons! Alcohol benefits! Obesity costs! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—icthyologically!

Congratulations to Chocolate-Wafer for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.