Scientific research has proved that "hyper-texting" teens—those who send 120 or more texts per day—are derelict, horny druggies. Well, at least compared to teens who text less, they are. Hyper-texters also like to fight and binge drink.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Do I have any outstanding arrest warrants?" Yeah, same here. A four-day event last week in New Jersey called "Fugitive Safe Surrender" allowed minor offenders to turn themselves in. 3,901 people showed up.

Who: Comic writer Ames is blessed with a total lack of inhibition when it comes to his work, which mines the embarrassing, the shocking, and the sexually transgressive to tragicomic effect. He admits to being "probably the gayest straight writer in America."

An all-you-can-drink Four Loko party on the Lower East Side was shut down by the host for legal reasons. Bummer.

Tony Judt, the British historian and intellectual, died in August after a genuinely courageous battle with ALS, and we already miss him. So it was a treat to read a new essay of his in The New York Times.

New evidence could strengthen the argument that the Stone Age domestication of cereals—which in turn led to farming and "settled behavior"—was intended for beer, not food. Yes, that's right: Without beer, there might never have been civilization.

Nancy O'Dell, a longtime co-anchor of Access Hollywood, will replace Entertainment Tonight co-anchor Mary Hart, who is retiring.

Flying is the worst. Unless you happen to be on the same Minneapolis-New York flight as rapper Kanye West, in which case he will perform a short a cappella version of his 2005 hit "Gold Digger." Over the flight intercom.

Lopez Tonight—and the world, by extension—was just graced by the presence of "Bed Intruder" sensation Antoine Dodson (with luscious straight hair!). What did we learn about Dodson? For one: girlfriend just loves Gucci. The full interview, inside.

While the rest of you have your eyes glued to the premiere of Conan O'Brien's new small screen effort, Conan, we at Gawker.TV were monitoring all of the other late-night shows for O'Brien-related mentions. Inside, video of everything we found.

[Wish you lived in this photo? This beach—perhaps not coincidentally—is called Orange Beach, and it's in Alabama. Was the sunset this nice where you were? Photo via AP.]

When 11-year-old Reuben Soames searched for his family's address on Google Maps, he was just looking for a picture of their home. He ended up finding a man apparently in the midst of stealing his family's caravan.

Conan O'Brien's new show, Conan, premiered tonight—and it opened in style with a brilliantly hilarious Godfather-themed sketch about the time since O'Brien's last show and this one, with cameos from Jon Hamm, Larry King, and more! Watch inside.

MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann has released a statement thanking supporters a day in advance of his return from a four-day, two-show suspension over unreported political donations. And, wouldn't you know it: Olbermann didn't even know about the rule he violated!

Conan O'Brien returned to the small screen tonight with the series premiere of Conan, and wasted no time trying to become apprised of current events in his opening monologue... which included a reference to Brett Favre's penis, naturally. Watch inside.

Tonight, Jon Stewart discussed the various criticisms of his Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear—from Keith Olbermann (here), to Rachel Maddow (here), to Bill Maher (here)—and then offered them a little piece of his mind. Watch inside.

Chicago police have partially shut down L train service while they investigate a suspicious package at the Addison Street stop.

Team Coco, unite! Yes, tonight—at 11:00 PM ET on TBS—Conan O'Brien returns to the small screen with the premiere episode of Conan. Your open discussion thread, plus some things to look out for as the show airs, inside.

British special forces are parachuting into Taliban strongholds in Afghanistan with dogs strapped to them, then using the dogs—with cameras attached to their heads—to scout the surrounding area. Yes, you heard that right: Parachuting dogs.

Tonight, NBC aired Decision Points, its interview of former President George W. Bush by Matt Lauer. When the topic of Hurricane Katrina—specifically, Kanye West's "George Bush doesn't care about black people!" outburst—came up, Bush got angry. Really angry.