Is Bristol Palin hooking up with Dancing with the Stars' Mark Ballas? Some people think so! Also today: Pink is pregnant, Lil Wayne probably has a new kid, Sandra is dating again, more Mel vs. Oksana news, plus Katy Perry!

Suddenly, it makes sense why Scarlett's giving us tromboners on NBC this week — she's hosting Saturday Night Live this Saturday! Inside, ScarJo and Jason Sudeikis play around in a recording studio for a series of short-but-sweet ads.

The annual godless atheist humanist War on Christmas starts just as early as the Corporate American Christmas Season, and with equal fervor. For at least the third straight year, atheists have chosen to assault god-fearing Americans, with advertisements. Godless advertisements.

His producers didn't like his dick shots, or the filthy caption accompanying them. This constantly-talking actress annoys everyone on set and this mega pastor made his mistress have an abortion. Say the word and we shall be healed.

A Chinese businessman recently created a vending machine filled with live crabs. The machines will find their way into Chinese subway stations shortly. Not surprisingly, Stephen Colbert deemed it the "Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard" last night.

Jimmy Kimmel brought up Conan's out-of-the-park first-night ratings and suggested that Jay Leno might be getting a little bit nervous. How can you tell? Check out this clip of last night's Tonight Show. Jay looks like a bad mall Santa.

Now there's a peyote scarcity. On top of everything else.

It's been months since Hugh Hefner launched a buyout bid for the Playboy empire, only to be outbid by the owners of Penthouse. Hefner's in precarious position: he controls the company. But his bid sucks. And he needs cash, bad.

Here's a video of two dudes sitting on the tallest building in the world with no safety harnesses on. No big deal. Just perched there. 2,717 feet in the air. Pretty awesome. Warning: This video might cause vertigo.

The FBI has charged 17 people with participating in a decade-long scam to bilk the government out of millions of dollars that were designated for Holocaust survivors and WWII Nazi victims. God will not be smiling on these people.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

[Dinner at Lily's Kitchen Diner, a restaurant for dogs, is usually followed by "relaxing with a book and tummy rubs." The End Times draw nigh. Image via Getty]

A Manhattan Mister Softee ice cream truck driver named Oner Ismail was fined $350 for picking up five drunk people and driving them to a club, making that Mister Softee truck the best gypsy cab of all time. [NYP; image]

A new report by the EU's drug agency places Britain on top of the world's cocaine consuming nations, with more young Britons having used cocaine than Americans in the same age group. There's also been an increase in crack smoking.

It's official: French people looking for pensions can't retire until they're 62 years old.

Who: The former president of Hearst Magazines, Cathie Black is the newly-appointed chancellor of the New York City public school system.

Mean old granny Patty Bigbee last week was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her grandson for $30K, after initially asking for $70K. Why would someone ever sell their grandson? So mom can get a new car, that's why.

The Parents Television Council—the conservative busybodies who like to complain about all the good stuff on TV—has done a study of television curse words. Finally, we can know for sure which are the most popular swears!

[A bather is seen entering the sea while the wind whips up a storm across the north of the country in northern Spain. Image via AP.]

During the 2008 campaign, President George W. Bush told a group of visiting Brits that he "probably" wouldn't vote for McCain, according to Financial Times writer Alex Barker. That's not all: He also said he would've endorsed Obama if asked.