Today in public relations: an email providing a “gentle reminder” to RSVP to an unsolicited invitation to go to Midtown at 8:30 a.m. for a publicity event for a book on the subject of “How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do.”

Apple has for many years attempted to project its incoherent definition of decency onto iPhone users, typically when it comes to sex. But as of today, we know that news about killer drone strikes is too hot for the App Store, too.

Tie dye, disco, and John Travolta’s career—these are just a few things from the 70s that don’t hold up today. One thing that does stand the test of time? This 1974 Kitty Kelley profile of Joe Biden. It is very good, very horny and contains at least one unprintable antisemitic joke. Which is all to say Joe Biden probably hasn’t changed much since 1974, and for that I am grateful.

Cable news fever dream Donald Trump released his big tax plan this morning after hemming and hawing over the details on last night’s 60 Minutes interview.

Quick question for you—$10,000 worth of weed falls from the sky and lands smack in front of your house. Do you accept the divine gift? Or do you reject the miracle and call the cops—just like Judas, if you don’t think about it too hard.

As bond prices “flash caution signals about the broader economy,” Goldman Sachs warns of a “major move” in stock prices, and investor pessimism reaches a 15-year high, we are here to remind you: EVERYTHING IS FINE.

There’s an old adage that goes something like, “You lie with prisoners, you get jail time,” and guess what—it’s true: just ask Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell, who was just sentenced for her role in busting two convicts out of prison this summer.

Some people read the New York Times Book Review section for the book reviews. Other, smarter people read the New York Times Book Review just for the descriptions of the self-published books.

A man who spent the night in an Amsterdam detention center this weekend says he was arrested, fined and banned from a major airline after mistakenly reaching for the plane door, apparently thinking it was the bathroom.

On tonight’s Vice on HBO special, Barack Obama and Shane Smith spoke with inmates about the systemic failures of our criminal justice system. Here’s some stuff they didn’t talk about.

Unfortunately for 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley, disgraced Pope impersonator Donald Trump was interviewed by 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley. And it was exactly the train wreck you were hoping for.

Catalan separatists are expected to take control of the regional government, the Guardian reports, following exit polls that suggest the nationalist coalition Junts pel Sí (Together for Yes) will win between 63 and 66 seats in the 135-seat parliament.

On Sunday, Pope Francis met with five victims of childhood sexual abuse. According to the Associated Press, only some of those victims been abused by members of the clergy: some were assaulted by family members or educators.

Australia has formally denied Chris Brown’s visa application to tour in that country on character grounds, the Guardian reports.

A video-calling service for the deaf is suing a Brooklyn man for abusing the company’s software, the New York Post reports. David Marcano allegedly made 4,646 calls using the Florida-based service, ZVRS, solely for the purpose of masturbating in front of its employees.

On Sunday, French President Francois Hollande said that six of his country’s jet fighters had targeted and destroyed an Islamic State training camp in eastern Syria, the Associated Press reports. The airstrikes were France’s first in Syria.

Recently, a man attempted to a kill a spider after noticing it while filling his car at a gas station, Fox 2 Detroit reports—an understandable impulse, if somewhat gratuitous. However! His weapon of choice was a lighter, and he set the whole pump on fire. Haha, whoops.

While addressing Congress on Thursday, Pope Francis took a sip of water from a glass at his side. Afterwards, Congressman Bob Brady stole the glass, brought it back to his office, and drank from it.

In 2009, developer Sharif El-Gamal’s Soho Properties purchased the lot at 45 Park place in lower Manhattan for $4.85 million. The next year, he proposed to build a 15-story Islamic cultural center—two blocks north of where the former World Trade Center once stood—which came to be known as the “Ground Zero Mosque.” The response was so virulent that El-Gamal abandoned his plans; now, Bloomberg Business reports, the developer has proposed a 70-story, ultra-luxury condominium building for the location. So ends the biggest political story (“story”) in the country in 2010.

America’s sweetheart Fetty Wap—whose debut album came out yesterday—was riding his motorcycle Saturday in his hometown of Paterson, New Jersey, when he was hit by a car.