There are so many new members of Congress this year — and some of them are even attractive, by Washington standards! We've studied them all and plucked only the "sexiest." And your Gawker editors have scored them, to boot.

A German dominatrix ordered her slave to walk around in a PVC suit and a gas mask. Bad move in these terror-obsessed times. Passersby thought he was arming himself against an imminent bioterrorist attack and called the cops.

Republican Congressman from Nevada

Joe Heck is the official "Silver Fox" of the 112th Congress' many freshmen sex monsters. How does he preserve that handsome gray streak so well? You non-silver people will never know.

Biggie Smalls, the illest, was murdered in L.A. in 1997. Thirteen years! And not one arrest yet! There have been documentaries and posthumous albums and one million R.I.P. graffiti walls, but no arrests. But: the investigation's being "reinvigorated" (again).

Last night's Grey's Anatomy had all of the doctors in hysterics following a mass shooting at a college. Luckily, professionalism and medical expertise are unnecessary as long as you're willing to scream at God over an unconscious patient's body.

Paul Mason, formerly the world's fattest man, says he is suing the British National Health Service because he was sent to a dietitian and not an eating disorder specialist. Conservatives will trot him out to fight ObamaCare any day now.

Virginia Del. Bob Marshall has proposed a committee to explore "whether the Commonwealth should adopt a currency to serve as an alternative to the currency distributed by the Federal Reserve System." The Articles of Confederation ruled, didn't they?

Britney Spears recently tweeted, "Heard an early demo of my new single leaked. If u think that's good, wait til you hear the real one Tuesday." That means this song, "Hold It Against Me," is actually her new single.

We've showed you before how crazy—and unpredictably entertaining—Liza Minnelli can be when making TV appearances. Courtesy fourfour's Rich Juzwiak, here's another: 10 of Minnelli's best lines from her Private Screenings interview on TCM. "Balls to you!" wins, obviously.

Only five more years until unemployment is back to normal!

A new study published in the American Journal of Health Promotion found that people who drink heavily tend to exercise more than people who drink moderately. Our own studies have proven this completely false. Unless using SeamlessWeb counts as exercise.

Do you know what a Theremin is? Me neither. But ever since Sheldon whipped out his favorite musical instrument last night I can't get the sound of dying cats out of my head.

Last Sunday, patrons at the Bronx's Munch Time Diner were treated to more than a piece of pie when a nasty fight broke out—over a missing cell phone—between several women in the middle of the restaurant. Watch inside.

Now begins a very exciting new chapter in the most important sociological experiment of our time, when the Jersey Shore guidos return to their native habitat. But there are no past glories in Seaside Heights—only destruction.

In your arctic Friday media column: French Vogue's new editor, Hearst and Lagardere reportedly set a price, a Boston Herald columnist comes out to cheers, Tiger Woods is no longer a "columnist," and The Daily (the other one) changes hands.

Since Regis Philbin is so old he can barely make it through the work week, Live! often has celebrity co-hosts. Kelly Ripa was excited to have NPH, who fired back "why don't you not have Anderson Cooper come so often?"

The New York Times has an entire article (in the education section!) about how college students have naked sex webcam chats with their long-distance boyfriend/girlfriend. College students are practically spending all of their time sex chatting.

[A visibly pregnant Natalie Portman strolls in Los Feliz. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

On the upcoming finale of Hoarders, a man defends his right to pack rats. Literally, the man's house is packed with rats. If this show wasn't already the grossest television series about a subtype of OCD, it surely is now.

John Boehner's new gavel is proving to be comedic gold for late night hosts this week. Letterman went for the "oversized things" gag and he and guest Seth Rogen did what anyone would—smashed everything to pieces.