Three 17-year-old boys on Long Island have been arrested, NBC News reports, after their high school’s computer system was breached over the summer—schedules were altered and grades changed.

Hey! Here’s a good, happy story! Wow!

The lead undercover DEA agent in the investigation of Silk Road has been sentenced to six years in prison for stashing away hundreds of thousands of dollars in illegal bitcoin payments, reports the Los Angeles Times.

An East Harlem drug dealer and addict also wanted in connection with the September shooting of an area gang member stands accused of killing a police officer in New York on Tuesday, Police Commissioner William Bratton said Wednesday. Charges against Tyrone Howard, 30, are pending.

Facebook COO and perpetual self-promotion machine Sheryl Sandberg has picked an odd choice for today’s “Lean In Award,” an imaginary honor she presents via Facebook: Paul Ryan. The same Paul Ryan who opposes, over and over again, workplace equality for women.

Petra Laszlo, the Hungarian news camerawoman who sits in a comfortable second or third place on the list of 2015’s most hated viral celebrities, has her sights set squarely on the reigning champ: not only did she kick those refugees—now she plans to sue one of them.

The League isn’t for elitists. Ignore the fact that the dating app hosts a party for white people on Montauk, uses LinkedIn to filter out your inferiors, and can only be joined with a digital “ticket.” CEO Amanda Bradford says that doesn’t make her elitist, just “alpha.” There’s another word for that, Amanda!

Americans of all political stripes should be glad to hear that Vice President Joe Biden is not running for president.

“While I am truly flattered to learn that Drake fucks with me,” writes 72-year-old installation artist James Turrell, a clear influence on the rapper’s taste for colored cubes, “I nevertheless wish to make clear that neither I nor any of my woes was involved in any way in the making of the Hotline Bling video.”

Sometimes drama just happens—you show up at a charity event and your rival is there and before you know it you’re screaming at each other and producers are getting it all on film, they love it! But sometimes drama percolates—a whisper in the wind gathers momentum, a tumbleweed roars across the barren tabloid wasteland. It’s salacious and scandalous—is it true? Next question, please.

Earlier this week a team of self-described teenage stoner hackers claimed they’d breached the personal AOL account of CIA Director John Brennan, though evidence of the hack was scant. Today, WikiLeaks has begun to release files from that account.

So there were rats in the restaurant. Okay. You’ll be fine!!!

You may be under the impression that you have already been deluged with all of the projections about the bad things climate change will do to the world in the next century. Not so. It could be worse than you think.

“Dog bites man.” That is, canonically, not News. But “Man crashes wedding, bites cop and police dog (police dog also bites cop)?” That’s what Santa Barbara, Calif., police say occurred on Saturday night, and it is News, my friends. News!

In a bizarre and tragic story out of Alabama, police say the car fire that left a local college football reporter with burns over the majority of her body was started by the reporter herself.

Vice President Joe Biden announced in a speech in the White House’s Rose Garden today that he is not running for president. This is a real bummer for the American public, which deserves, if nothing else, more election entertainment. It’s an even bigger bummer for all the pundits and political journalists who confidently reported—with sources and everything—that Biden was going to run.

At a press conference this afternoon attended by President Obama, Vice President Joe Biden announced that he will not seek the Democratic nomination for president. Damn.

A new study finds that lifting weights may “slow the age-related shrinking of some parts of our brains.” Don’t be weak, old, and dumb—squat.

NYC mayor Bil De Blasio signed a trio of bills Tuesday that outlaw the sale of synthetic weed, commonly known as K2. It’s basically a plant sprayed with chemicals, then packaged and sold in bodegas as “incense” or “potpourri” that’s “not for human consumption.” The exact mix of synthetic cannabinoids varies from brand to brand, and changes often to get around states’ controlled substance lists.

Mexican special forces hunting Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman reportedly chased him off of a small cliff earlier this month, causing the escaped drug kingpin to break his leg and smash his face.