Everyone loved that Emma Watson, cute British pixie, had decided to hole herself up in Providence and spend a few years at Brown. But now the Harry Potter actress and blossoming starlet has announced on her website that she's taking some time off from school to focus on promoting the final Harry Potter movie and to work on other film projects.

Last night's The Simpsons reminded us a valuable lesson about our elders: they'll always be cranky. When Lisa accidentally discovers a drug that subdues aggression, we see what life could be like with pleasant octogenarians... until their eyeballs fall out.

In your meritorious Monday media column: newly newsy Newsweek news, Dan Rather still exists, the exodus from The Daily has already begun, Business Insider is a profit center, and Howard Kurtz's journalistic historical revisionism.

Anderson Cooper was one of the grand masters of the Endymion parade yesterday, one of the largest in New Orleans annual Mardi Gras celebration. But he couldn't do it alone. No, he brought his "companion" along for the ride.

Poor Meg just wants to be loved but goes about it all wrong. Last night she set her sights on Joe and took the creep-factor to a whole new level.

The crater floor of the Kilauea volcano collapsed on Saturday, creating a new vent that sent lava shooting into the air and flowing down the side of the mountain. Mother Nature really is the greatest reality star of all.

It's not because Kathie Lee is concerned about Hoda getting skin cancer, of course. Kathie Lee is annoyed at Hoda's gorgeous tan because it makes KLG look pale in comparison.

Premiere Radio Networks, the radio syndicator that brings you Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, knows better than anyone that its audience consists almost exclusively of mouth-breathing illiterates. That can make talk radio, which theoretically relies on the ability of listeners to dial a telephone and speak coherently, something of a challenge. No worries though, because now there's Premiere On Call, a service whereby, in exchange for money, a paid voice actor will call your radio show and pretend not to be stupid.

Imagine that! Personal massagers being used for more than a backache. Here the Onion News Network offers an alternative to the wand-style that would prove harder to manipulate.

It's time to crank up your headphones at the office.

On Late Night, Chris Pratt detailed his road to becoming an actor. It included: dropping out of college, becoming a traveling salesman, living in a van in Maui, and the adorable story of how he met wife Anna Faris.

Nevada Sen. John Ensign is expected to announce his retirement today, sparing himself a hellish Republican primary. His legacy includes banging his chief of staff's wife and then borrowing $96,000 in hush money from his elderly parents.

Last night the "original Housewives" returned for a one millionth season, though only one of the original monsters is left. The rest are the squealing wraiths we've collected along the way, blonde harridans who like nothing more than to fight with each other and blame it on the alcohol. So, nothing's changed.

This week on The Soup: a stoner-moment on 90210, Brad Womack struggles on The Bachelor, an all-feline rock band, Dancing With the Stars, and Charlie Sheen revives the news media. As Joel put it, "Merry Christmas, Entertainment Media!"

Of the thousands of free throws this player will get in his life, it's unlikely he'll be able to ever replicate this shot even if he tried.

Here's an educational new video, courtesy of Think Progress, of that most common feature in American democracy: a Republican politician asking billionaire overlord David Koch for money.

Sure, Miley spent most of her time as SNL host singing (or impersonating Justin Bieber) but when she stopped belting notes, she delivered laughs. Nothing was more spot-on than her tips and tricks for acting on a Disney Channel show.

NBC aired its newest reality show The Search For The Next Great Restaurant and it looks promising. The restaurant ideas are intriguing, the food looks delicious, and the guy who founded Chipotle makes a surprisingly unsympathetic judge.

According to a recent study, the artificial light emitted by iPads, computer screens, Blackberries, and all those other electronic devices that you rely on so heavily is keeping you from falling asleep. Yes, technology makes you tired.

Last night on Kourtney and Kim Take New York, Kim Kardashian recorded a song with The Dream. You've already heard the auto-tuned masterpiece, now go behind the music to see the trials and tribulations of a reality star gone pop.