It's beyond all comprehension that a professional event planner in Washington, D.C. would offer seven minutes of freestyle standup comedy time, as the official entertainment for a black-tie banquet, to Arizona Rep. Ben Quayle, son of the former vice president and penman of Scottsdale's richest pornographic tales. And yet that's exactly what happened last night at the annual Congressional Correspondents' Dinner. Our old pal Ben Quayle, whose generic facial expression is that of a concussed deer in the highbeams, actually attempted standup comedy. And the poor guy couldn't even land the free laugh that is a "Politico sucks" joke.

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen discussed right-wing investigative prankster James O'Keefe's recent request for donations from his supporters. Apparently, dildos and pimp costumes cost more than they used to.

Well! That was nice. Last night's Elton John-themed extravaganza had most of our singtestants in top form, blaring out smooth '70s and '80s roller disco music of the sort that one might actually want to listen to in their own private time.

With eight girls to go and the competition halfway over, things are getting messy.

Winter always sucks. (Those of you who don't think that winter always sucks: we believe you'll still agree with the following sentence.) But this past winter has especially sucked. Let us count the ways:

If you're impressed by the vocal maturity of 22 year-old Adele, wait until you hear 10 year-old Britain's Got Talent runner up Connie Talbot cover the singer's hit ballad "Someone Like You."

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

I'll be the first one to admit that Jersey Shore appears to be on its last legs. That is not necessarily an awful thing, as the Ron-Sam argument has almost turned my brain into a fine powder. Even though the show itself seems to be winding down, it managed to secure its highest season finale ratings ever last week, with almost 8 million people accidently tuning in.

Microsoft has just filed its first antitrust complaint, in the EU against Google. Let's try to get past the obvious fact that this is like Lady Gaga complaining that someone dresses weird and rips off Madonna while she hurls stones out of a glass house. This is important stuff. It could determine which massive tech corporation controls all of our data in the dystopian future!

Watch as Emma Watson ruins several takes on the set of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 by laughing. Hermione Granger would certainly not approve!

The Church of Scientology is in talks to purchase public broadcaster KCET's historic Los Angeles television studio, according to the Los Angeles Times. KCET, which recently split from PBS to become an independent public station, is desperate for cash, and Scientology is desperate for facilities with which to produce lies.

This famous young lady was caught picking up a pregnancy test. This celebrity likes to go on racist rants, and this famous heir is about to be a father. Do you think he's the one who knocked up our first girl?

Following in the footsteps of Snooki, J-WOWW, and Lauren Conrad—blogger Perez Hilton is publishing his own book. Jimmy Kimmel considered the possible choices that he didn't go with: Goodnight Moon, You Skank, The Very Slutty Caterpillar and Everyone Poops (And I've Got the Pictures.)

On last night's Late Show, Norm MacDonald explained his fight with Steve Martin over twitter—that all began by one misunderstood tweet. At the time, Norm didn't realize a TwitPic was attached to Steve's tweet and that's where the confusion began.

We need not venture far back into history to find ample examples of female-to-male oral sex being used as a trope in advertisements designed to promote various goods and services. What primeval appeal does this obscure act hold for worldwide consumers? Only the wizards in the uppermost reaches of the advertising industry know for sure. But there must be something to it, because they keep on pushing it into our faces, and we keep right on swallowing it. [Copyranter]

This supercut mashes together sixteen different trailers of films coming out this year. So what you're telling me is... all I have to look forward to are a ton action movies, The Hangover 2, and the last of the Harry Potter series?

Warren Buffett is one of the world's richest men, and incontrovertibly the world's folksiest mega-billionaire. He's also old. Shares in his company, Berkshire Hathaway, cost more than $120K apiece. So the question of who succeeds Buffett is, you know, big.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

Italy's greatest self-tanning sex fiend, Silvio Berlusconi, yesterday traveled to the island of Lampedusa to encourage xenophobia and to scare African migrants back to where they came from. He even said he was buying a vacation home there because the island is so fucking sexy. But aside from promising to tackle his self-made immigration problem — North Africans fleeing violence perpetrated by Berlusconi's dictator buddies — the old man found some time to joke around with the island's lovely ladies, according to the Daily Mail:

India beat its longtime rival Pakistan yesterday in the Cricket World Cup semifinals as all of South Asia tuned in via satellite television. Fans in Pakistan's North Waziristan were no exception, although many stayed indoors to avoid Hellfire missiles. From the AFP: