The St. Lawrence River, a beautiful waterway where newborn beluga calfs frolic every year, will soon be home to some new residents: heaps and heaps of untreated sewage.

According to the Associated Press, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, in New Orleans, has ruled against President Obama’s plan to protect an estimated 5 million people living in the United States illegally from deportation.

A professor of Mass Media at the University of Missouri was seen on a video demanding “muscle” to stop reporters from covering the demonstrations on the campus’ quad.

Detainees at an Australian-run detention center on Christmas Island rioted this weekend following the death of a Kurdish Iranian refugee, setting fire to parts of the facility as guards fled early Monday morning, the New York Times reports.

Early 20th-century artist Amedeo Modigliani’s 1917-18 painting of a nude, supine woman (“Nu Couché”) sold for $170.4 million with fees at Christie’s Monday night, which, according to the Times, is the second highest price paid for a work of art at auction. Value is both arbitrary and contingent.

Philadelphia Police say two people found shot to death inside a parked SUV Friday afternoon were having sex when they were killed, and that they were likely targeted by their attacker.

A day to celebrate for the great state of New Jersey! At long last, animal-lovers (in the Biblical sense) are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

A Texas judge* is in stable condition after being wounded on Friday in what police say was an assassination attempt, the Austin American-Statesman reports. State District Judge Julie Kocurek had been the victim of many threats over the years.

An 800-pound alligator minding his own business at a Texas shopping center was accosted, lassoed, and paraded around in bawdy finery like a common tramp in Houston this week.

Over the past week, controversies at two American universities—Mizzou and Yale—quickly became major national stories, causing the president of Mizzou to resign and students at Yale to revolt against their administrators and each other.

Rafael Cruz, father of Republican presidential candidate Ted, is the subject of a New York Times investigation which alleges that maybe he wasn’t quite the Molotov cocktail-tossing Cuban revolutionary he’s made himself out to be. Woe is the man whose dad’s tall tales become a matter of public concern.

Earlier this afternoon, University of Missouri president Tim Wolfe resigned his position, succumbing to intense pressure first ignited by the hunger strike of graduate student Jonathan Butler. But Wolfe is not the only school leader on his way out: Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin just announced his resignation, effective at the end of this year.

An Illinois funeral home apparently buried a deceased woman a day early, which made for an incredibly sad and awkward situation when her family showed up Friday to view the body and found the wrong woman stretched out in the open casket.

Body cam footage described by one Louisiana police officer as “the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen” reportedly shows Chris Few had his hands in the air and did not pose a threat when marshals shot and killed his six-year-old son last week.

The University of Virginia’s chapter of Phi Kappa Psi filed a $25 million lawsuit against Rolling Stone Monday, alleging that the magazine’s controversial 2014 story “A Rape on Campus” was published with “a reckless disregard for the truth.”

In recent days, the press has run Ben Carson’s anecdote about attempting to stab his close friend as a teenager through the wringer: What were the circumstances? Why don’t his friends remember it happening? Did it really happen it all? But one explosive question—perhaps the most important one of all—remains unanswered: Was young Ben Carson really a fan of the magazine Psychology Today?

Today on Jeb Bush’s infinite tour of sadness, we find Jeb! pondering life’s deeper questions, like those asked in desperation by a publication’s social media account: Would Jeb Bush go back in time and kill baby Adolf Hitler? “Hell yeah!”

SeaWorld, which has increasingly fallen out of public favor since the release of the 2013 documentary Blackfish, has announced a plan to trick the public into thinking it’s actually doing something for the killer whales it’s keeping captive (and driving mad). Per The San Diego Union-Tribune:

Pardon me—a YouTube reality show about white girls in Williamsburg. There are currently three episodes available online, which show recent graduates and Brooklyn transplants Alex, Sarah, Mel, and Olena “living the dream” in luxury condos off the Bedford stop.