Vatican City is its own state with its own laws and you may be surprised to learn that one of those laws is that the practice of journalism is illegal. Cool Pope or Not-So-Cool Pope? You decide.

A former Wesleyan University student admitted Thursday that he had led a campus drug ring that left at least 11 students in the hospital after he sold them a bad batch of molly.

The infinite monkey theorem postulates that, given an infinite amount of time, a monkey banging on a typewriter will almost surely produce the works of Shakespeare. Here is the Trump corollary: given an hour and 35 minutes in Iowa, Donald Trump regurgitating everything he’s ever said will accidentally quote Beckett.

This story, from the Associated Press, has the odd and rare quality of being deeply disturbing and sad while also being, I dunno, weirdly uplifting? As a not-entirely-comfortable glimpse of humanity in the post- and anti-human world of international corporate sprawl? Whatever. It’s late.

An Alaska woman was allegedly held captive for five weeks in a remote cabin and raped up to six times a day by her abductor, reports the Associated Press.

In a statement, Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook confirmed that a U.S. military airstrike in Raqqa, Syria, on Thursday targeted the 27-year-old Mohamed Emwazi, a British national born in Kuwait and raised in London, also known as the ISIS executioner “Jihadi John.”

After more than two months on the loose in rural Delaware, a six-foot-tall emu named Eddie has been captured by employees from a Clayton petting zoo, CBS Philly reports. He’s been transported to a farm and will be put up for adoption.

“I’ve been wanting to drop the hassle from my life for years,” someone once said. “Now, it’s official.” That someone? David Hoff. Hasselhoff, hassle-free. Free to be: you (David, a.k.a. “The Hoff”) and me.

Responding to campus protests and two reported hunger strikes over racial discrimination and faculty’s inadequate and tone-deaf response to student concerns, the dean of students at Claremont McKenna College, in Claremont, California, has resigned her position, reports the Los Angeles Times.

A Queens woman, who emergency medical workers declared dead after she shot herself in her home, was rushed to the hospital on Thursday, PIX 11 News reports, when police realized that she was still alive almost an hour later.

Prosecutors and defense attorneys in the Jared Fogle case submitted their requests for sentencing on Thursday, the Associated Press reports. Fogle’s attorneys asked the judge for a five-year prison term, saying in court documents that he “is profoundly sorry.” Prosecutors requested a 12 ½-year term.

There’s endangered, and then there’s critically endangered, and then there’s the northern white rhino. There are just four—four!—northern white rhinos left on earth. The population has been cut nearly in half—from seven to four—in just the last 12 months. Even using the word “endangered” to describe their predicament seems dishonest—if left to nature, they are gone. Their conservation status should read “hopeless.”

On Thursday, Cuyahoga County Prosecutor Timothy McGinty made public another criminal justice expert’s report, commissioned by the prosecutor’s office, on a Cleveland police officer’s fatal shooting of Tamir Rice, 12, a year ago this month. The report found the shooting to be “tragic” but “reasonable.”

Terrence J. McNeil, a 25-year-old in Akron Ohio, was arrested earlier today after months of observation by federal authorities. But the final straw, according to a Justice Department release, was a GIF he reposted on his Tumblr account that “solicited the murder of members of our military.”

A swastika painted in human feces in a dorm bathroom has been at (or at least near) the center of this month’s anti-racism protests at the University of Missouri. Notably, many conservative pundits have questioned whether it happened at all. Well, it did, and here’s the gross picture.

Donald Trump has already staked his claim to the worst idea in immigration policy—a retrograde mass deportation scheme that was once known as Operation Wetback—but there are plenty of other cockamamie schemes to solve the problem of having a country that workers want to move to. On Wednesday, self-professed teen stabber Dr. Ben Carson announced his own at a press conference.

According to reports, a Secret Service agent was arrested this week after he allegedly sent lewd texts and images from inside the White House to a recipient he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Ben Carson said yesterday that free college education would cause “the destruction of the nation.” We’re now in the part of the campaign where we just listen to Ben Carson talk until all his poll numbers go down for good.

It is fair to say that, in examining the twin meltdowns at Yale and the University of Missouri, the pundit class has come down against the tactics of the students, who, in both cases, have been militant and aggressive. The writers have seen parts of each protest—Yale students berating a professor, Mizzou students boxing out a photographer—as a threat to college as we know it. But could colleges not stand to be threatened?

The so-called “Safe Campus Act,” a nonsense bill that would keep colleges from punishing rapists unless victims agree to go to the police, had seemingly unanimous support from national fraternity and sorority organizations—until today. Alpha Phi has become the first sorority to come out against the bill in a statement made “at the request of many of our members and chapters.”