An 85-year-old woman walking near her home on the Upper East Side of Manhattan was dragged by her neck and forced to perform oral sex on her attacker in a stairwell on 83rd St. She's in stable condition at a nearby hospital, but her attacker is still at large; police spent Monday driving vans "equipped with loudspeakers blaring the suspect's description" around the neighborhood. He's said to be "a light-skinned Hispanic man, 25-30 years old." [WPIX]

Six armed Western men, possibly British special forces, were caught on tape by Al Jazeera, seemingly corroborating rumors that SAS soldiers are on the ground in Libya acting as spotters for NATO air strikes. The presence of Western troops is... well, the Guardian calls it a "sensitive" subject, because the UN resolution authorizing air strikes explicitly forbids a "foreign occupation force of any form." As far as the British government is concerned, they don't exist: "We don't have any forces out there," the Ministry of Defense says.

America's favorite fried pickle princess has had a car accident! She is okay. But at least two police officers had to go to the hospital, and our Snooki—who was not drinking or drugging, sources say—might be facing some Italian-style law charges.

There's so much to love about Fox News chief Roger Ailes — and so much of him to love — but our favorite character trait is his lunatic paranoia. Did you know he bomb-proofed his office against "those gays"?

In Bangladesh, a Weinergate very different from the one preoccupying America's Twitternet has emerged. There, a woman cut off her neighbor's penis after he allegedly broke into her house and tried to rape her.

A team of scientists at the University of Washington have found the place in the brain that makes the sounds that we use to form words and thoughts. By using some fancy computer programs, they believe they could one day interpret these brain signals well enough to identify actual words and thoughts in our heads. Which is basically mind-reading, isn't it?

That damn equine herpes outbreak has cut the number of visitors to the Memorial Day Classic weeklong horse show in LA down to about half of what they usually are. But why are people so scared? It can't spread to humans, anyway. From the LA Times:

Despite going all out fascist with campaign posters, Silvio Berlusconi's "center-right" coalition lost mayoral races to commies in Milan and Naples in what he called a "slap in the face." Well, at least he's still got his raging libido.

In an attempt to restore justice within the smoking community, Marlboro has released a student has invented a smartphone app called Bump a Smoke that enables people to trade virtual cigarettes for real ones. Based on bump technology, the app seems to "work" like this:

The Sarah Palin Grifter Bus Tour is officially underway, and it's currently spewing toxic fumes across the Washington, DC area. There are many questions surrounding this family vacation, but so few answers. People need to know.

Like a citified version of the story that inspired last year's James Franco rock-climbing movie, the tale of urban survivalist and litigant Jonathan Lynn involves a necessary act of arm-related self-harm. Luckily, no amputation was necessary.

A groundbreaking new study in the journal Pediatrics suggests that sports and energy drinks — those high in sugar, calories and other crap — aren't really good for kids, and that parents should focus on feeding their children nutrient-rich vegetables and other foods instead. Whoa.

A blogger for Andrew Breitbart's truthsite valiantly spent part of his Memorial Day weekend reaching out to the guy suspected of putting an underwear-covered erect penis pic on Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.)'s official Twitter account. The blogger got a response!

The Post reports that bourgeois former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn had some patio umbrellas delivered to his $50,000 per month townhouse in Tribeca. So French. This can only mean one thing: He's hiding something!

An anonymous trash talker burns Amber Rose. Jennifer Hudson isn't getting what she thinks she's worth. David Beckham drives like an asshole, and Peter Brady is getting a divorce. Memorial Day gossip is here.

It's a mystery that has perplexed the world since the late '90s: Where are Biggie and Tupac? Last night for a short time, it appeared that PBS had found out when a story appeared on its homepage, "Tupac still alive in New Zealand." Sadly, it was hackers from a group called LulzSec who got into PBS' system and posted this:

Gennette Cordova, the Seattle-area student who received a picture of an erection covered in underwear from the Twitter account of Rep. Anthony Weiner (D - N.Y.), released a statement on Sunday, categorically denying she is Weiner's "mistress" and cataloging the harassment she received from jeering conservatives on Twitter.

If you lived in New Zealand and found a poisonous white-tailed spider hiding in your Domino's Pizza box, would you: a. scream; b. run into another room as fast as possible, then scream; or c., scold the spider for disturbing the peace in violation of national custom?

During an interview with CBS's Bill Whitaker, reforming (reformed?) former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson dismisses his title belts as "garbage" and "nothing." His priorities have changed! Making his kids and pigeons happy is what life's all about now—not golden, shiny things.

Defense contractor Lockheed Martin was the victim of a "significant and tenacious" attack on its network last week, but that the system was secure and the hackers warded off. The Pentagon — Lockheed's biggest customer — is helping the company investigate the attack, which Lockheed says is "part of a pattern of frequent attacks on it from around the world." Our guess? It's the same guy who uploaded the dick pic to Anthony Weiner's Twitter account. [Reuters]