Mazel tov to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his longtime girlfriend, med student Priscilla "Cilla" Chan, who are engaged! According to Bill Gates, at least, who seemed to let the news slip during an interview with The Daily Mail:

John Boehner is aware that some of you rude people mispronounce his surname to sound like various words, "even Boner." But he'll still take Boehner over that sexting Congressguy's last name, he suggested during a commencement speech to Ohio State University grads today.

For two months, the Goodwill store in Fenton, Michigan has been holding onto an urn—delivered to the store in a cardboard Palmolive box labeled "Grandma's urn"—because staffers assumed somebody would return and reclaim it. But nobody ever did.

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D - N.Y.) has bundled himself off to a "treatment center," where he will soon be cured of his allergy to not sending pictures of his cock to everyone he knows. But we shall not want for new Weiner shots! TMZ has the newest bunch, most of them taken at a gym—including one particularly revealing shot (above left) that proves the congressman has been using government resources... to get ripped! BAM! (That is the congressional gym, according to TMZ, so Weiner should reimburse taxpayers for use of its mirror.) [TMZ]

Four people who at one time fell in love with Bananas Foster might have already fallen out of love with the flaming dessert, after suffering burns during a Foster-related "explosion." If only they'd have worn their full-body, fire-retardant dining-out suits!

Fox Business host Eric Bolling, who, let's be clear here, is not racist, is very concerned about the all of the "hoodlums" that Obama is hosting in the, uh, "hizzy."

Bret Lockett's story gets weirder and weirder. Kim Kardashian's wedding photos are worth $1 million. Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel are getting close. Sunday gossip is checking in to sexting rehab.

New photos of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D - Ariz.)—the first to be publicly released since she was shot in the head in January—were published on her Facebook page by her staff on Sunday. In one, the congresswoman smiles next to her mother Gloria; in the other, she faces the camera directly. In an interview this week, Giffords' chief of staff Pia Carusone cautioned against over-optimistic expectations for her recovery, telling the Arizona Republic that her boss still has trouble communicating, and will be in outpatient therapy for months. Even so, it's nice to see the congresswoman's smile.

On Thursday, Saratoga Springs (N.Y.) Police Chief Christopher Cole admitted publicly that, from his office at City Hall, he sexted explicit pics of himself to a woman with whom he'd been having an "intermittent personal relationship." Hey, at least he's being honest, right?

As if it didn't have enough to deal with already, the International Monetary Fund admitted to staff on Wednesday that it was the victim of a "large and sophisticated cyberattack," one that occurred over the last few months and led to a "very major breach."

Almost six months after being shot outside a Tucson supermarket by gunman Jared Lee Loughner, Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is almost ready to leave the Houston rehab facility where she's been staying. Where she'll go is still unknown, but friends say she wants to return home.

A set of cursed car rims brought about the death of one Texas man, and perhaps will result in the death of another. It it all very senseless and sad.

Amidst new revelations that he contacted a teenager online, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D - N.Y.) is apparently headed to a "treatment center," leading Democratic leaders to openly call for the congressman to resign.

Our favorite story of 2011—"Man Eats His Own Beard at Knifepoint Over Botched Lawnmower Sale"—may soon come to a conclusion, with the aggressors thrown in jail for failing to pay the $570 restitution ordered by the court.

So, what does Obama impersonator Reggie Brown think about government entitlement programs? And why in the hell would anyone care? Perhaps the answer is known only to John Stossel and the residents of Fox Nation.

Three masked men, "armed with knives and a hatchet," attempted to rob a Dunkin Donuts in Hayannis, Mass. on Wednesday, bursting in through the door and demanding that the cashier hand over a paper bag in her purse. A paper bag filled with donuts.

After living in the same apartment for 30 years, Jeannetta Holden—a 59-year-old grandma and great-grandma who likes houseplants and cooking—has received an eviction notice from her landlord, who claims she's been selling drugs, shooting guns, and hanging with gangs. Supposedly police reports prove everything.

For the past 20 years, Drew Mandy—whose parents describe him as having "the mental capacity of a two-year-old"—has carried a plastic hammer toy around with him for "security" reasons. It's his thing. But recently TSA agents took his beloved hammer away from him, because it made tapping noises.

Selena Gomez is in the hospital with "nausea and a severe headache." Tina Fey is in damage control over Tracy Morgan's homophobic rant. And Russell Crowe has some opinions about penises. Saturday gossip won't be marching in the Puerto Rican Day parade.

Avid Weiner-watchers in the press jumped on a Friday evening report that police in New Castle, Del. were investigating the online communication between Rep. Anthony Weiner (D - N.Y.) and a 17-year-old high school junior.