"They said, 'We're from Exelon, and we had a tritium spill. It's nothing to worry about,'" said Tom Zimmer, after he bought a new house in Illinois near a facility belonging to America's biggest nuclear operator, Exelon. Yikes.

Noted secessionist and Governor of Texas Rick Perry still has your junk on his mind. Previously, the Texas Senate tried and failed to outlaw the TSA's enhanced pat downs in airports across the state after the Justice Department basically told them to fuck off. But Perry won't let go, and he has added legislation to a special session of the state senate that would criminalize "intrusive touching" by TSA employees. Lt. Governor David Dewhurst told the Houston Chronicle, "Addressing unreasonable and unlawful searches of innocent travelers by some TSA employees is an issue that affects all Texans who use air travel, and it should not wait until next Session."

Tonight, Cameron Diaz took over most of the Late Show to chat with David Letterman and promote her raunchy new movie, Bad Teacher. And with 25 minutes for Diaz and Letterman to waste together, it was pretty much a given that there would be some awkward moments.

I'm not sure if there's a Shoplifting Hall of Fame, but if there is, I'd hope there would be a place in it for Stephanie Moreland, 46, who pleaded guilty on Monday to one of the most ingenious — and tactically improbable — heists of all time.

Yo, yo, yo, homies! Check it out! It's Zola, the 9-year-old gorilla from the Calgary Zoo — who BREAKDANCES! Those are some wild-style electric boogaloo moves going down with that krazy ape. Turns out Zola is originally from the Bronx. It's all starting to make sense now! Get down, boooy. [via Daily Mail]

Last month, a group of scientists in Prague unveiled a robot capable of juggling five balls at once. No big deal, right? Wrong! As Stephen Colbert explained on tonight's Report, this development—along with the invention of other "robo-slackers"—means that, after robots are done taking America's factory jobs, a new crop of lazy ones will target our "stoner burnout jobs." And that's a problem.

So Roger Ebert went and posted that stupid tweet this morning about Ryan Dunn's death, "Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive," which he is still standing behind, but really, just shut up Roger Ebert? Nothing was conclusive at the time of the tweet, friends and fans were still in mortal shock over the awful news, and if I wanted lectures about the perils of drunk driving, which I do not, I wouldn't seek them out from a movie critic? That tweet just summed up everything that's annoying about Twitter to me. People wanting to be heard, me not wanting to hear them. (And stop contributing New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest entries, already! You got your framed trophy and bragging rights. How much validation of one's pithiness can one man possibly need?)

At least 44 are dead after a jet crashed onto a highway in northwestern Russia late Monday night, officials say. It was coming from Moscow, and crash-landed in heavy fog nearly one mile from the runway at its destination in Besovets. There were 43 passengers and 9 crew members on board; some, including a child, survived, and were taken to a nearby hospital. [CNN, video via AP]

Four days after his daughter Tatum appeared on the same program, Ryan O'Neal took up the hour on this evening's Piers Morgan Tonight for what can only be described as one of the most cringeworthy interviews in recent memory.

A public monument to the Soviet Armed Forces in Sofia, Bulgaria was vandalized spectacularly over the weekend. The statues of the Second World War soldiers were painted to resemble such candy-colored figures of capitalist iconography as Superman, Ronald McDonald, Santa Claus, Captain America and The Joker. The spray-painted writing beneath it says the hack now puts the statue "in step with the times!"

This weekend, two women in Modesto, California begged drivers to donate money to pay for their baby's funeral. Thankfully, there is no dead baby, but the real story is still awful. [Jezebel]

Five months after MSNBC canned him, Keith Olbermann returned to television tonight as Countdown made its debut on Current TV. It's pretty much the same exact show: The new network is basically the only difference between this incarnation of Countdown and the last one. But just in case you have any doubts, Olbermann's typically over-the-top "special comment" this evening—in which he claims that he's the "last line of defense" when it comes to protecting America's independence from being taken away by evil corporations—is above.

A Chicago landlord called the cops on Sunday after investigating a leak and stumbling upon one of his tenants, covered in blood. But he shouldn't have worried! The guy was just performing a little D.I.Y. surgery on his dog. In the nude.

Jon Stewart appeared on Fox News Sunday yesterday for what turned out to be a pretty contentious chat with Chris Wallace. On tonight's Daily Show, Stewart said that Fox News had edited the interview in a way that not only made him appear erratic, but also omitted a statement by Wallace in which Stewart believes he admitted the network's conservative bias. Video of Stewart's rant is above.

The trial of fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired from his own label earlier this year over charges that he made anti-Semitic comments to a woman at a French bar, starts this week in Paris—and the new details emerging aren't pretty.

James Verone, a 59-year-old former truck driver, was having serious medical problems that he couldn't afford to get checked out or treated. If only North Carolina had a free, state-run health-care system!, he thought. Then he realized it does: in prison.

Even though there was once a question of whether the music video for Weird Al Yankovic's "Perform This Aay"—a parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"—would ever see the light of day, it hit the web today. Here it is in all its Madonna-referencing, outfit-changing glory.

Scientists, whose life is basically spent telling people what they already knew, have confirmed: Whining is the most annoying sound, ever.

Mark Zuckerberg's creations tend to be creepy: Disturbingly personalized ads, 1984ish facial recognition, and the reprehensible forced sharing of personal information. But the music service the Facebook CEO is expected to unveil this summer sounds smart and essential.

The first of what is likely to be several verdicts in the case of exiled Tunisian dictator Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali and his wife Leila was handed down today: 35 years and $65.6 million in fines, on charges of theft.