An apartment complex in New Hampshire has found a way to crack down on residents who don't pick up their dog's shit: Owners must submit pets' DNA samples, while rogue shit piles are cross-checked with testing kits. It works!

What's worse for the environment than an air conditioner? Your goddamn cable box, that's what. Watching TV these days is basically like doing whippets around a styrofoam bonfire in Yellowstone National Park. From the Times:

Florence Henderson, who played Carol Brady on The Brady Bunch, is pushing her new memoir so naturally she felt the need to tell the world about the time she got crabs on a one-night stand. Back in the 60s, Henderson boned NYC mayor John Lindsay (both were married at the time), and he left her with a parting gift:

Tonight, Mob Wives wrapped up with—what else?—a fight. And although the season-ending throwdown didn't involve our favorite, Renee Graziano—instead, Drita D'Avanzo and Karen Gravano got into it over whether or not Drita started dating Karen's ex (now Drita's husband) too soon after Karen broke up with him—it was nonetheless satisfying. You know, if girl fights are your thing.

This might provide some clues as to why no one in New York is riding the bus anymore. Asked by a driver to not use her iPhone's speakers to play her music, the woman unleashed an extremely loud, hateful, and profanity-filled tirade ("You need to shut the f*ck up and drive your bus, you miserable old f*cking man!...You f*cking honky!"), which was captured on video by another, pissed-off rider. iPhones fighting iPhones!

Because nobody should be forced to endure an entire 30 minutes of America's most overexposed family every Sunday night, we'll be watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for you and reporting back with a clip of each episode's most cringeworthy 15 or so seconds.

Friday night, as gay rights history was being made in Albany, 20 officers from the NYPD and other city agencies stormed into The Eagle, NYC's biggest leather bar. Inside, they shined flashlights into customers' eyes and forced them to empty their pockets, the Times reports.

One of two Nebraska nuclear power stations located near the Missouri River is submerged in flood waters, Reuters reports. A hole tore in a 2000-foot, inflatable barrier placed around the facility, allowing over two feet of water to pour into containment buildings and electrical transformers.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. From Lady Gaga in Japan to Madonna in London to Kim Kardashian in Los Angeles to Justin Bieber in New York, here are some of the more amusing shots from the past week.

Sex-powered soul superstar Beyoncé brought the house down tonight at the 2011 Glastonbury Festival in Somerset, England. Here's the opening number: a pyrotechnically enhanced version of her defining single, "Crazy In Love." Reviews of the performance — which included familiar hits like "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" and "If I Were a Boy," alongside covers of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know," Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams," and Prince's "The Beautiful Ones" — have been glowing. The Guardian declares "she never puts a foot wrong," and The Telegraph calls her "a great, sassy frontwoman."

We don't fly Old Glory in our front yard because we don't have a front yard, we don't have anything, we live in a hallway under a DIY tent crafted from discarded plastic H&M shopping bags. But Fred Quigley's got a yard, and he wants to put a flag in it. Why can't he?

Today's New York Times tells us that the trial of Casey Anthony, who's facing the death penalty for allegedly murdering her toddler Caylee, has become "this year's hot attraction" for tourists passing time in central Florida. Even Mickey Mouse has abandoned his gig to go watch the drama unfold.

No one has seen Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez for two weeks! (Well, not no one, but you know.) He flew to Cuba on June 10 for surgery on a pelvic abscess, speaking to media two days later to say he was fine, but he apparently hasn't returned to Venezuela since. According to the not-exactly-trustworthy government, Chavez is recovering well, but rumors abound that he is suffering from prostate cancer and may still be in "critical condition" in the hospital. (His daughter and mother were reportedly flown to Cuba, "urgently.") It's kind of unclear what would happen in the event of his death or incapacitation, given that Chavez is more or less an autocrat, not to mention a big jerk. "The US," The Daily Telegraph writes, "would hope to see a less hostile and more market-friendly candidate for the presidency emerge," which is a polite way of saying the CIA is going to be all up in that shit. [Telegraph]

Yesterday we told you that Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice and bitch-destroying anger-nerd David Prosser allegedly grabbed Justice Ann Walsh Bradley by the neck with both hands during an argument in her office. Now Bradley's come forward to say that the rumors are true.

Last week, America was captivated by the heartwarming story of an unidentified drifter who hid inside a porta potty—like, inside, a porta potty—at a yoga festival in order to watch women, well, you know. Well! The gentleman has been found, and arrested. His name is Luke Chrisco, alias, Skye Oryan, and he began peeping while "living in the woods in France years ago." Shall we hear what he has to say, courtesy the Daily Camera and KDVR?

If somebody ran up to you on the street with a dog and said, "I'll give you this lovable animal right now if you can tell me which town is cheaper, New York City or Harlingen," which town would you pick?

Well, isn't this how it always happens. Just as we were finished up the third draft of Queen and Country, our adaptation of the mysterious stabbing death of maybe-gay MI6 agent Gareth Williams, it turns out he probably wasn't murdered by a gay lover and stuffed and locked inside a duffle bag as part of an elaborate sex game! The new theory, the Daily Mail reports, or, really, posits, is that Williams was killed by the Russian mafia, on whom he may have been spying as part of a top-secret mission concerning money laundering.

Taking disabled people's toys, exposing women's breasts, making women remove their prosthetic breasts: seems TSA agents never stop figuring out new ways to be sadistic. Now comes word that some agents made a wheelchair-bound, 95-year-old woman with final-stage leukemia take off her adult diaper for pat-down purposes.

Former congressman Anthony Weiner and his wife, Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, were spotted at Manhattan restaurant Bottega on Saturday. The pair "spent most of the meal chained to their cell phones," which means that Weiner was probably sexting.

Surging future presidentrix of America Michele Bachmann has got a well-documented problem with homosexuals, because they trap her in restrooms all the time. But on the subject of same-sex marriage, she sounds surprisingly reasonable. Maybe that gay glitter was cut with mood stabilizers?