CNN anchor Anderson Cooper has been accused of stealing jokes for the dramatic reading he did of Shore Thing, the first novel by Snooki, the greatest literary mind of our generation. Apparently a Fox station in Charlotte has nothing better to do than go after Anderson Cooper. How silly.

Mercede Johnston of the Wasilla Johnstons—a girl famous for being the sister of a guy who put his dick inside the daughter of a lady who did not become vice president—is following in her brother's autoerotic footsteps, and posing for Playboy. Page Six reports:

Those pesky celebs. When they aren't sending around dong shots or breaking out of rehab, they have to go and ruin our image of them by starring in movies or voting in the Senate. Call it schadenfreude or a rip-roaring good time, but there is nothing we love more then when famous folk do bad all by themselves.

Bill Keller, the T. Herman Zweibel of New York Times columnists, is back with another edition of "Former NYT Editor Bill Keller Reveals Himself to Be Little Better Than The Average Topeka Capital-Journal Weekly Lifestyle Columnist, in a Spectacle That's Embarrassing for Everyone Involved." Today: Bill Keller uses his enviable national media platform to shit on his own employees' books.

Lindsay Lohan throws her weight around a parking lot and says she is a ballerina. Chris Brown's latest temper tantrum includes the phrase "faggot ass." Captain America drove Chris Evans into therapy. Wednesday gossip is kind of a big deal.

This former ladies man has been spending more time as a guy's guy, if you know what I mean. This studio chief cheats on his wife. And this actor likes to get it on with guy's guys. These celebs sure love their male bonding.

Do you hear that? It's the sound of another shoe dropping. News Corp, besieged by a strange and unfamiliar phenomenon called "bad publicity that can't just be ignored," just announced that it's abandoning its lengthy (and extremely important, at least in the context of European media) quest to take over British Sky Broadcasting.

Alfa Choice, a 29 year-old former high school biology teacher, drove with her 44 year-old boyfriend, Christopher Shears, to the middle of the Tappan Zee bridge yesterday morning. There, the couple parked and exited their Chevy Tahoe. Both were naked. They climbed on the roof of their car and then over the bridge's anti-suicide fence. Choice reportedly fell first, "either slipping or falling" (or possibly pushed); Shears followed her over. They were later pulled from the water nearly 200 feet below. Choice died. Shears is in critical condition. What was that all about?

A Chinese man possibly named Wu Gang was arrested after someone recognized him as a murder suspect competing on a popular dating show called Happy League. He was wanted for a stabbing a man 13 years ago. Oops. [AP]

The Guardian yesterday pointed out a problem with this picture, which was released by Syria's comically bad state news agency, SANA, showing the alleged swearing in of Anas Abdul-Razzaq Na'em as the new governor of Hama. Seriously, look at that (click to expand). Come on now, guys.

A 17-year-old kid says he was beaten by cops in the Bronx after he walked past an officer who was scraping dog shit off his shoe and said, "It smells like doo-doo." Tyre Davis told the Daily News that he was then berated by the cops, handcuffed and later punched several times in the head. Who wouldn't laugh if they saw a cop step in dog shit?

While the rest of Washington squabbles over the debt ceiling, one man has been fighting for your right to buy real lightbulbs. Republican Congressman Joe Barton — of BP "shakedown" fame — has been trying to overturn the 2007 law that requires lightbulbs to operate 30 percent more efficiently by 2012. Barton lost last night after failing to get two-thirds support in the House.

Back in May, the city of Grand Rapids, Michigan got back at Newsweek for putting it on a list of "dying cities" with a giant, single-take lip dub video. Now the fine old folks at Clark Retirement Community in East Grand Rapids—in conjunction with Grand Valley State University—have just released a new single-take lip dub, set this time to Michael Bublé's "Feeling Good." After watching it, we bet you'll feel good, too.

Boldly bucking current runway trends that celebrate the non-skeletal female form, clothing retailer Topshop went with Australian model Codie Young as the (miserable-looking) face of their Prim and Polished line. The reaction from eating disorder groups was swift, who denounced the company's use of a size-zero model as deeply irresponsible. Topshop took the photo down, and replaced it with another of Young in which she looked marginally less prone to shattering into a thousand pieces at the slightest touch. Young herself, meanwhile, countered accusations that she is anorexic on her personal blog:

Last weekend, Vishon Murphy put on his Sunday best—a dress and gladiator sandals—and waltzed into a Pizza Hut in Wallace, North Carolina. But instead of saying "Shantay you stay," the restaurant's general manager was all "sashay away" and forced Murphy to leave. A must-watch local news report detailing the saga is above. [via Eater]

On Monday, we brought you the heartwarming story of Sgt. Scott Moore, a US Marine stationed in Afghanistan who posted a no-frills YouTube invitation to Mila Kunis, asking her to join him as his date to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball (held November 12 at the Gaylord Resort and Convention Center in Maryland). Her Friends With Benefits costar Justin Timberlake convinced her to say yes during a live interview, and word quickly trickled back to Moore. The Corps has now sent out an official interview, in which Moore reacts to the exciting news that he's now just a couple bases short of catching up with Natalie Portman:

On tonight's AC360, Anderson Cooper did the unlikely: He made himself the subject of his "Ridiculist" segment, all because he'd previously doubted the literary talents of Jersey Shore's Snooki, who signed a second book deal today. But since Gorilla Beach won't be out until next May, Cooper instead took out a copy of Snooki's first novel, A Shore Thing, and finally gave it the dramatic reading it's always deserved.

People may be having fewer children than ever before, but have you noticed that the ones they are having keep gravitating directly to you — screaming through transatlantic flights, filling their diapers on crowded subways, whipping silverware at your head during romantic meals, etc.? Well, one man has, and he's decided to do something about it. McDain's, a driving range-side eatery in Pennsylvania, has instated a new policy: No more kids under six.

After receiving a request from David Letterman to serve as co-host of the Late Show for one night, Regis Philbin showed up to do just that on tonight's program. But when it came time for Philbin to assist Letterman in reading off the night's Top 10 list, things went south—and became quite funny—in a hurry.

We know where Michele Bachmann stands on heterosexuality: She's very for it! At least according to the binding contract she recently signed with Jesus, in which marriage was explicitly defined as being "between one man and one woman." We also know where her husband, Marcus Bachmann, falls on the topic of homosexuality: He's firmly against it! So against, in fact, that he runs a small gay exorcism business, despite he himself being seemingly possessed by the demonic spirit of an off-duty drag queen named Big Mama. But where does Mrs. Bachmann stand on homosexuality?