Some TV camera people caught Speaker John Boehner fleeing to his escape elevator in Capitol Hill last night, after everyone finally reached a debt ceiling deal that no one understands but should pass Congress today anyway. Think he wasn't tired? This guy, Boehner, not tired? Get out of here. Just listen to this noise he makes. A pure sigh of relief, or the desperate wail of an aging farter? You decide, America. For now it is merely John Boehner's "sound."

MTV turns 30 today. Instead of taking it out for an overpriced dinner and making jokes about how it's old, we compiled this video with some of the high and low spots of the channel's history—from Madonna's infamous "Like a Virgin" at the first Music Video Awards to Puck on The Real World, Downtown Julie Brown, and Jersey Shore.

The world's longest Christmas ever continued (and finally ended?) on last night's episode of As the World Turnpikes, with the opening of presents and the spreading of a temporary, tentative peace throughout the land. Let's open the gifts and then burn all the wrapping.

Last week, immigration officials raided the University of Northern Virginia, a for-profit college that was recently the subject of a report on student visa scams. Is there anything that could possibly make this boring story about immigration loopholes and higher education interesting?

It seems that everywhere you look these days, someone is telling you how to do fitness wrong. They're telling you the wrong way to pick a trainer, they're telling you the wrong best exercise to do, they're telling you to do things that will kill you. And do you know who is to blame for all of this misinformation? That's right: you.

A new bill in Missouri effectively outlaws teachers befriending their students on Facebook. This is because the only thing adults do with kids on the internet is prey on them.

Turns out Lindsay Lohan shot not one but two commercials in her living room during house arrest. (Gotta pay those legal and therapy bills somehow.) This new one features an off-brand muppet making fun of LiLo's necklace-stealing ways.

A New Jersey Transit bus driver died in his vehicle on Thursday and it idled at Port Authority in New York City for five hours—five!—before anyone even noticed. That's one hell of a eulogy.

Who and what should liberal Democrats be happy about with this debt ceiling deal that may or may not pass, say, today?

Guns! Guns! We need more guns! We need more people carrying guns! We need more people carrying guns outside, in public, everywhere, constantly armed! What America needs are more armed citizens in public, ready to shoot!

This little girl says Amy Winehouse was trying to adopt her. Miley Cyrus gets a gay marriage tattoo. Kellan Lutz still has candy from 2003, and eats it regularly. Kim Kardashian's fans freak her out. Monday gossip pulls an Angelina.

This was a weekend of strange creatures warring with each other and, though they don't seem remotely evenly matched, they actually kind of are! Also, Miranda July has done well for herself, as has Emma Stone.

This A-lister wishes people would stop speculating about her "baby bump," since she's having a hard time conceiving. Also today: bisexual actresses gone haywire, another on-set romance, and an actress in peril. No, she's not pregnant out of wedlock.

The 18-year-old arrested on Scotland's remote Shetland Islands for allegedly wreaking online havoc as the wisecracking spokesman for the hacking group Lulz Security was bailed out today. Jake Davis aka "Topiary" (we think!) emerged with his eyes well-shielded from the international spotlight.

Joseph Lacher was the head of the largest unit of Allstate. Two weeks ago, he was abruptly fired, with little explanation. What happened, Joe?

Wall Street was full of naked people this morning. Not in a metaphorical sense! A tipster sent us this video of a man doing some vigorous dick-swinging exercises outside of 75 Wall Street this morning. And that's not all:

If there was ever a way to truly gauge a presidential candidate's popularity among voters, it would be by the number of Twitter followers they have. And that's what historical fiction author Newt Gingrich is banking on. He cried to The Marietta Daily Journal about "the elite media" going after him, and referenced this story about his "personal touch" on Twitter:

Finally, a scientific study that we can get behind: Just in time for the last month of summer, the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry published the results of a study by the University of Barcelona and the Spanish National Research Council that claims flavonoids in grapes halt the nasty chemical reaction where UV rays kill skin cells (sunburn). It's as simple as that, really. So all that stuff about drinking too much in the sun is bullshit, as long as you're drinking wine. Bottoms up!

Norwegian terrorist Anders Behring Breivik apparently told a school friend that he'd had nose and chin jobs performed in America years ago. Norway's intel chief Janne Kristiansen took notice, saying, "He has the perfect, classic Aryan face."

Foxconn Technology Group — the company that assembles iPads and iPhones in hellish Chinese factories that have had at least 13 workers commit suicide — might have found a solution to its disgruntled worker problem. Over the next three years, the company will increase the number of robots on factory assembly lines from about 10,000 to 1 million. One analyst told Reuters, "Rising salary costs should be the key reason why Foxconn is doing this."