The mischievous scribes at Fox Nation are lighting up Twitter with this magisterial headline-photo combination about President Obama's private White House birthday party yesterday. The "Hip-Hop BBQ" didn't even create any jobs! This guy doesn't even deserve to be 50 years old.

Warning: The above video is a graphic squid snuff film. It made me scream out loud.

It is now time for the eight subjects from Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, to be removed for their native habitat so they can go on a journey to their spiritual homeland: Italy. Our little pigeons have flown from the nest, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Now we know why Gov. Rick Perry is aggressively trying to change Texas' state university system to one where teachers are paid by how much money they bring in, and students are treated like "customers": It's to take on revenge on the professors who gave him horrible, no-good, very bad grades during his college days.

The only bad things about this video, "The Andover Song," are the excruciatingly earnest lyrics, the disconcerting juxtaposition of a bunch of freshly-scrubbed teenage prep school lacrosse aficionados with the format of a non-parody rap video, the horribly awkward cameo by the elderly authority figure, the depressing realization that this video's production values are much higher than those on many videos by "real" rappers, and the overarching statement that the very existence of this video makes about the dissipation and decline of hip hop culture in America.

It's the first Friday in August! This means two things: The nice, brisk days of autumn aren't too far away, and the latest jobs report has come out. Employers added 117,000 jobs in July and brought the unemployment rate down one tenth of a percentage point to 9.1%. This is kind of good?

Why did the chicken cross the road? For eons, philosophers have debated the question, because that is philosophers' idea of a "funny" riff on their own weighty profession, which is why most philosophers are not "chick magnets." Well, we're happy to report that the question has finally been answered.

Xtina used to call Kelly fat, and now Kelly is getting her revenge. Marc Anthony begs to get J.Lo back. Nicki Minaj has a nip slip. Kate Bosworth has turquoise hair. Nicole Richie makes fat jokes about Jessica Simpson. TGIFriday gossip.

Sad news for people who fondly recall childhood nights spent attempting to watch "scrambled" pornography on high-numbered cable channels, a pastime which has afflicted them with a lifelong wavy-bar fetish: the television porn industry is slowly dying. Which is completely predictable and represents nothing more than the logical progress of technology, but still. We thought you'd like to know, what with your... certain predilections.

They may both be in relationships with women, but that doesn't mean these two TV stars aren't together as well. This actress keeps stealing her rival's men, and this actor is fashioning himself as a spiritual leader. We pray they would all just go away.

Rudolf Alexandrov, a 71 year-old adjunct math professor at Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia, reportedly "became agitated" just before his 5:30 p.m. class in the St. Joseph's Hall building (pictured) Wednesday night.

In 1964, two black teenagers disappeared as they were hitchhiking in Mississippi. Two months later, their bodies turned up in a river. From the NYT:

The Telegraph is reporting that Mr. Bean, officially known as Rowan Atkinson, has crashed his $1 million, very purple, and apparently very fast McLaren F1 sports car in Britain. Thankfully he's okay after suffering a minor shoulder injury, but his car burst into flames after slamming into a tree. But seriously, look at that thing.

The high price of a pint of beer in Britain is a pretty hot issue. Through extensive research, we recently concluded that many Britons were switching to cocaine because it's more affordable. Now, to take advantage of new tax breaks, breweries are developing weaker beers — and taste testers seem to like them! The Independent reports on some promising poll results:

Occasional Tea Party pitchman Jimmy McMillan, otherwise known as the "Rent Is Too Damn High" guy, is now battling his landlord over the rent on his St. Marks Place apartment, for which he pays $872.96 per month. McMillan told the Post he's had the place since 1977, and that his rent back then was around $275. "Maybe the landlord doesn't know, but he can't bulldog me because I know the law," he told the paper. His landlord is apparently arguing that the St. Marks Place apartment is not McMillan's primary residence because he keeps an apartment in Brooklyn that doubles as his party HQ. McMillan says that his landlord just wants to get more money from a new tenant (!!!). Good luck with all that, and welcome to the real world, Jimmy.

Muammar Qaddafi's youngest son, 28-year-old Khamis, was reportedly killed in a NATO airstrike in the western city of Zlitan yesterday, according to Libyan rebels. Khamis leads the elite 32nd Armored Brigade, aka the Khamis Brigade. RIP, or something.

Stocks opened "sharply lower" in Europe on Friday, following "heavy selling" in Asia. Just in time for the U.S. job numbers! You know what I'd buy stock in, if I could? Pictures of traders looking worried. Also, moonshine. [WSJ]

Elton John and husband David Furnish had some special guests in St. Tropez on Thursday when Neil Patrick Harris and fiancé David Burtka joined them for a ride on their yacht. They even made it a family affair, with Harris and Burtka bringing along twin babies Harper Grace and Gideon Scott to play with nine-month-old Zachary, John and Furnish's son. For no other reason than how cute this all is, here are some pictures from the big gay family affair.

What does North Korea look like? Not too different from anywhere else—just emptier.

Say what you will about Larry King, but when he had Kathy Griffin on his show, there was chemistry. The same can't be said for Griffin and Piers Morgan, as we learned tonight during his painfully dull interview with the comedian on CNN. Video of the worst two minutes, featuring awkward sexual banter and an even more awkward kiss, is above.