How is polygamist leader and convicted rapist Warren Jeffs dealing the knowledge that he will spend the rest of his life in jail, never again to feel the sweet caress of his harem of child brides? With constant exhibitionist masturbation, according to an intrepid report from The Daily:

Twelve-year-old Dale Ostrander was swimming in the Pacific Ocean in Washington with his church youth group on Friday when he was dragged underwater by a riptide. He was submerged for 20 minutes before rescue workers found him. Now he's just, you know, totally fine.

Reggie Bush texts Kim incessantly, begging her ditch Kris at the altar. George Clooney's female wrestler lover sleeps over. Angelina dodges rioters in London. Ali Lohan is officially more bankable than Lindsay. Wednesday gossip is the one that got away.

News Corp has a much-anticipated quarterly earnings call today, following yesterday's board meeting. The one (and only) real agenda item is to figure out how to move past the devastating UK phone hacking scandal—which means making sure it doesn't spread to America. Fortunately, News Corp has something going for it: best friends!

On the fourth night of England's riots, 10,000 police flooded London streets and the city remained mostly calm. But the riots spread to other cities, leaving three men dead in Birmingham. British Prime Minister David Cameron promised a "fightback" to squelch unrest.

Both these TV stars are closeted, but they're thinking of taking their love public. This reality star won't fly coach. And this on-screen couple is finally having sex in real life. But when are they going to take that public?

Celebukids like Rich Hil are killing hip hop. Let's just say that up front, as a way of framing our overall sense of glee that there is a big story about Rich Hil—son of Tommy Hilfiger—in today's New York Observer. Does he invite us to fellate him? But of course.

Philadelphia is under siege by teenage flash mobs! Ha. Not really. A "flash mob" is when several dozen aspiring standup comics use the internet to meet in a certain place to do a funky collaborative dance. Philly's problem is just "kids being kids," which is to say, a bunch of teenagers beating you up, for fun.

Iranian government officials are loving the riots in Britain. In a flurry of statements over the last couple of days, lawmakers have attacked the police response and said they'd like to send human rights observers to London to keep an eye on events there. Iran's Majlis are even thinking about closing the British embassy in Tehran.

The major drug companies have apparently milked the Swine Flu™ pandemic for all that they could, because the World Health Organization today declared that the "H1N1 virus has largely run its course." In a statement, the Director-General said the WHO's Emergency Committee decided on this during a conference call. Oh, but wait — they've left a little nugget of doubt to make sure everyone remains vigilant:

Last week, Libyan rebels claimed that Muammar Qaddafi's son Khamis was killed in a NATO airstrike. But today, Libyan state TV aired footage of someone it claims is Khamis — commander of the Khamis Brigade — visiting a hospital.

A 43-year-old dentist from the Chicago area, William Anthony Howe is recovering in the hospital after he crashed head-on into another car on the interstate last Saturday. Howe was going the wrong way and the two people in the car he crashed into are dead. And it gets worse: A witnesses told the Chicago Tribune that Howe "was rifling around his passenger seat and picked up a handful of cash and threw it out the window." Several cars pulled over to grab the money. Shockingly, Howe was driving a red Porsche. So, why would some dickhead in a Porsche make it rain while driving the wrong way on the interstate? This could have something to do with it:

Newly minted MSNBC anchor Al Sharpton took to the airwaves on Tuesday evening to say that the outcome of Wisconsin's recall elections would indicate whether Americans on the whole are ready to "push back" against the evils of government. And then he spouted off a bunch jumbled words that made no sense, and yet at the same time it may have been the most entertaining thing he's ever said on live television. Video of Sharpton's flub is above.

Here's some Nancy Grace-nip you'll be hearing a lot more about in the coming weeks: Robyn Gardner is a 35-year-old Maryland woman who took off recently on a vacation to Aruba with a man she barely knew: Gary Giordano, 50, also from Maryland, whom she had met online. Gardner has been missing since last Tuesday, and Giordano — who it turns out has a criminal record and a history of domestic violence—is now in custody.

Do you live in Paris and frequently stumble out of bars at 2AM with a craving for a bite of baguette? If so, you'll be totally psyched to learn that French baker Jean-Louis Hecht recently installed two bread-dispensing vending machines outside his boulangeries. Yes, that's right: For just one euro (and a bit of dignity), you can now enjoy a warm loaf of French bread 24/7. [via Grub Street]

By day, Allen Samuels is a popular casino host in Atlantic City. By night? He's A. Samuels, the illest fledgling rapper in the game, son!

"Don't riot! Be happy! Cavort with inflatable sluts!," or something to that effect, might be the unofficial motto of the Ninth Annual Bubble Baba Challenge — in which 800 brave participants ride inflatable sex dolls down the Vuoksa river rapids, about 50 miles from St. Petersburg. The entire event lasts about three minutes, and was conceived by organizer Dmitry Bulawinov "as a joke at a party where the men got drunk and the women didn't show up."

An alarm brought firefighters to Blue Heron Farm — the $50,000-a-week, 28.5 acre property on Martha's Vineyard where the Obamas have spent their summer vacations since 2009 — early Tuesday morning.

In case you haven't noticed, it's been a really hot summer. But that didn't stop Rush Limbaugh from declaring the heat index a government-created liberal fallacy, or prevent the esteemed hosts of Fox & Friends from suggesting Nickelodeon is using SpongeBob Squarepants to indoctrinate children to believe in that whole global warming "hoax." And while most people with half a brain laughed at them, Stephen Colbert used tonight's Report to defend his science-hating friends. Video of Colbert's segment is above.

Earlier this year, aerial photos of a newly discovered tribe living in Brazil's Amazon rainforest electrified the internet. Now that entire tribe, numbering around 200, has gone missing—and a panicking Brazilian government fears that cocaine smugglers are to blame.