According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, 23 million Americans live in "food deserts," low-income areas without "ready access" to grocery stores. This, however, is not why Americans are so fat, according to a University of North Carolina study of long-term eating habits and summarized in The Week:

The purpose of sending the eight subjects of the most important sociological experiment of our time overseas was to see how they would interact with a culture that is completely foreign to their own. So far, all anyone wants to do is interact with each other.

The stock market is bananas. Why bother? There are plenty of other places to put your money. Which type of investment is right for you?

Indiana State Rep. Phillip "Phil" Hinkle, a Republican who recently voted for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, had quite a Saturday evening this past weekend in the company of an 18-year-old young man named "Kameryn," to whom Hinkle allegedly showed his penis and then "grabbed in the rear." Isn't life wonderful?

Lucky editor and accused Twitter parody mastermind John Jannuzzi has issued an official statement on the matter of an anonymous Twitter account dedicated to eavesdropping on people at Condé Nast: "I am not @CondeElevator." Then why did you accompany your statement with a picture of Richard Nixon, a known liar who once had a fake Twitter called @MarkFeltIsAShitNozzle, hmmm? [Lucky, Images via @JohnJannuzzi and Lucky]

The last time we checked in with accidental viral video star Jessi Slaughter, things were bleak. But in a new video, she looks remarkably OK and says she's living in foster care, away from her abusive dad.

Here's a teaser trailer for the drama We Need to Talk About Kevin, an adaptation of a popular novel and a favorite at this year's Cannes film festival. It looks dark.

Paula Abdul's personal mantra is also her staff's. Adam Sandler is accused of dining and dashing. The cast of The Help likes to skinny dip. Angelina Jolie is "as kinky and insatiable as ever." TGIFriday gossip is titillating.

As if lawyers didn't have enough to worry about, like the need to write angry comments on the internet when bloggers make fun of them: now companies don't even love law firms any more. God. Not companies!

If a social network goes down, but nobody uses it, should we even blog about it? If it's MySpace, sure, why not. The Justin Timberlake vanity project crashed for a while last night, generating literally threes of concerned tweets and a couple of obligatory tech blog posts. But it's back, so you may now continue forgetting about it.

This A-lister likes hookers so much he might need to hire someone from the world's second oldest profession: a divorce lawyer. This actor is the latest conquest for a Real Housewife, this actor took his kid on a drug run, and this American Idol also-ran wants to be a beard. That's like a prostitute with no sex!

The SEC has charged a 26 year-old named Toby Scammell (HEH) with insider trading, after he made nearly $200K on stock deals after learning from his Disney-employed girlfriend that Disney was going to buy Marvel. How many objectionable things do we know about Toby?

Don't say we never bring you the hard-hitting news. Patrick Schwarzenegger/Shriver, young son of Arnold and Maria, budding model and entrepreneur, has posed topless for a jeans ad and now there is a giant billboard of him in Los Angeles.

Look at this cow making a break for it! This cow ran away from a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday! This cow is running down a street called "Liberty Avenue," no joke! Run, cow, run!

Nationwide civil unrest hasn't come full circle until racist fringe groups come out to point fingers and promote xenophobic vigilantism. And that's where the English Defence League comes in! The group was all set to march on the streets of Telford this weekend in order "to address the threat posed by Muslim child-grooming gangs." Oh, but the British Home Secretary Theresa May today said, "It is clear that a ban is needed to ensure communities and property are protected."

Of course the New York Post followed the guy who peed on a sleeping 11-year-old during a JetBlue flight all the way up to his parents' home in Vermont yesterday, where the reporter was greeted with, "We have no comment, nothing to say" from his mother. The paper notes that the pisser and his mother were unloading skis and luggage. As it turns out, 18-year-old Robert "Sandy" Vietze is one of the top young alpine skiers in the country and is listed on the US Ski Team's Development Team roster. Until yesterday, that is.

While the rest of America watches the economy go down the shitter all over again, the Pentagon is busy blowing hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on toys that don't work. Perhaps you've heard about the Falcon Hypersonic Technology Vehicle 2 and its alleged Prompt Global Strike™ capabilities? It failed for a second time during a test flight yesterday off the coast of California.

Scotland Yard says that out of over 1,700 arrests made over the nationwide riots, around 600 people have been formally charged with crimes such as looting and disorder. Courts have stayed open overnight to handle the cases.

Ah, the amazing Dougherty Gang — born about 80 years too late, with another 80 long ones ahead of them to ponder that fact. The trio of bank-robbing, bunker-living, machine-gunning siblings made their first court appearance on Thursday in Pueblo County, Colo., where they are being held on bonds of $1.25 million each.

Emma Stone has had three movies come out in as many weeks, so naturally she's been on just about every talk show imaginable recently. You'd think she's run out of interesting anecdotes by now, but Stone's interview with Jimmy Fallon on tonight's Late Night was actually kind of adorable. Watch Stone discuss her paranoid fear of Twitter and the FarmVille addiction that forced her to delete her Facebook account in the clip above.