America! Who likes it? It's merely a schizophrenic jumble of 50 warring personalities all vying to be number one. But of course they can't all be. So which state is the best? And more importantly, which one is worst? Well, we've set out to determine just that. Welcome to the Worst States in America.

Usually Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma is a classy guy. He's long been one of President Obama's good Republican friends, he's open to raising more tax revenue, and he actually called Nancy Pelosi a "nice lady" once. So it's strange to see him now making jokes about shooting all of his colleagues, claiming that Medicare makes things worse for old people, and making gross generalizations about black people, all in one lovely summer day of townhallery.

Joe Biden is currently touring China, where his speeches are so long and boring, they are literally inciting violence. Or, so says the Chinese government, which has been trying to shove reporters out the door every time Biden calls for "openness and candor" in Chinese-American relations:

Hey, did you hear that a bunch of new words were added to the dictionary? Some geeky words like, "noob," "woot!" "sexting," and "retweet." Oh, woe is us. The English language is doomed.

Listen up, poors: important "news you can use" about how the government will take your children away from you, for some bullshit. They can't technically take your kids away just for being poor, but god forbid you smoke a spliff.

The last time the economy collapsed, CNBC money-clown Jim Cramer basically said, "Don't panic! Buy Bear Stearns! What could go wrong?" That advice didn't work out so well for him. So this time, he's modulating.

Thanks to the New York State Legislature, gay marriages are all the rage right now, but someone might want to tell the owner of Here Comes the Bride, a bridal shop in Somers Point, on the Jersey Shore (the actual shore, not the show). She just refused to sell a lesbian a wedding dress.

The Republican party's sudden hatred of the Federal Reserve and easier monetary policy, as encapsulated by Rick Perry's suggestion that Fed chairman Ben Bernanke might be committing "treason" by "printing money," is considered a vindication of Rep. Ron Paul's growing ideological clout among the party's rank-and-file. Ron Paul's goal for several decades has been to eliminate the Federal Reserve, after all! And yet even he thinks that Perry's comments were kind of insane.

Gwyneth Paltrow accepts responsibility for saving a woman's life on 9/11. Terrorists want to maim David Letterman. Jennifer Hudson is prefers losing weight to winning Oscars. The suicidal Housewives star's family might sue Bravo. Thursday gossip is "deeply moved."

It's Thursday, meaning that the United States financial markets are collapsing again. The Dow is down nearly 400 points already today. Why so negative, everyone with money?

Here is a trailer for Trespass, no not a reissue of the 1992 Bill Paxton/Ice-T/Ice Cube collaboration, rather a new movie starring Nicole Kidman and Nicolas Cage as a wealthy couple suffering a home invasion. It looks... yikes.

This comedian thinks it's funny to rub his dick on pretty ladies he meets on set. This actor's mom is a hoarder. And this actor's house is full of stinky animals. He should move in with the hoarding mom!

Facebook stalking is a lonely pursuit. But you've got company whenever you ogle your friends' impossibly interesting lives: Facebook's watching your every move. Now you can reveal a secret list of who Facebook thinks you've been stalking the most.

Here's a thing that the genius multibillion-dollar marketing industry did, probably at a cost of millions upon millions of dollars: instead of saying "incontinence," now we say "light bladder leakage," because that term is "less stigmatizing." See how much better it sounds? "Light bladder leakage." It's not all medical-y. It's just very plain and upfront to let people know, yes, urine is leaking from my bladder, lightly, and hey, I'm still human.

In 2007, Phillip Seaton, a middle-aged man in Kentucky, went to the doctor to be circumcised, to help "treat inflammation," TWSS. You'll never guess what happened next.

Pope Benedict XVI — voice of the common man — had some choice words for Europe's economic policymakers today as he traveled to the Catholic Church's World Youth Day in Spain. And why not? They certainly deserve it.

A former reporter and U.S. editor for News of the World, James Desborough, was arrested today in London over the phone-hacking scandal. Desborough was once praised for his "uncompromising scoops." Okay, great. But Piers Morgan is still on television.

A young man in Tennessee is facing criminal charges after he had to be Lifeflighted off the highway for treatment of gunshot wounds. No, he wasn't involved in a road rage shootout. 23-year-old Justin Newberry accidentally shot himself in both legs after his handgun, The Judge, slid out from under his seat while he was driving. Newberry grabbed The Judge by its trigger. Oh, and cops found weed, paraphernalia and fake IDs in the car. Ahh... there's nothing quite like being 23, high as fuck, armed and driving.

Last Friday, not so great rapper The Game tweeted a phone number that his followers should call about getting a music internship. The number was the Compton Sheriff's office, which was unsurprisingly bombarded with calls. After a little more shittalking, The Game decided to apologize on CNN: "My sincerest apologies to the Sheriff's Department.... It was a joke gone wrong." He then blamed the "mishap" on a friend and the L.A. County Sheriff's Department accepted. Oh God, is it still August?

An out-of-work bricklayer living in Guadalajara claims to have found an actual fairy while picking fruit. He then did what anyone lucky enough to stumble upon such a rare and magical creature as this might do: He placed the fairy in a container of formaldehyde, and is charging people to look at it.