Lindsey “Still Exists” Graham may finally be getting the picture about his past-dead presidential ambitions.

Last month, Michael Walsh, a Wal-Mart maintenance worker of 18 years, was fired. He’d found $350 in cash in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market in Niskayuna, the Albany Times Union reports, and returned it after about 30 minutes. Walsh, a full-time employee, was terminated for “gross misconduct.”

The Senate has passed legislation that would basically gut the Affordable Care Act, reports the Associated Press. The bill has to pass the House of Representatives, but, like, come on—the House won’t even read the damn thing before sending it to President Obama.

On Thursday, at the Forbes Healthcare Summit in Manhattan, Martin Shkreli said that, given the chance, not only would he raise the price of Daraprim, a drug of particular usefulness to AIDS and cancer patients, to $750 per tablet from $13.50 again, but he’d go even higher.

The former Chairman and CEO of the Massey Energy Company was convicted Thursday of a federal charge of conspiring to violate mine safety standards, in the case of the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster in 2010, in which 29 miners were killed in a coal dust explosion.

The San Francisco man who authorities said had stabbed someone an hour before he was killed in a barrage of police gunfire Wednesday, was identified Thursday as Mario Woods, the San Francisco Examiner reports.

Police have released the names, ages, and hometowns of the 14 people killing in Wednesday’s mass shooting in San Bernardino, California:

In an interview with Glamour UK last year, Kristin Cavallari answered the following question: “What is your superfood of choice?” Her response was sort of funny.

Texas’ infamous “affluenza” teen Ethan Couch, on probation for four counts of intoxication manslaughter, after he struck and killed four people while going 70 mph in a 40 mph zone in 2013, is under investigation for potentially violating the terms of his probation.

At airports, “TSA staffing hasn’t grown but the number of people going through checkpoints is up considerably... Last year, TSA had 91 days when it screened more than two million people. This year it has already had 165 days of such high volume.” Oh good.

The couple believed to be behind yesterday’s murderous San Bernardino rampage left behind at least 14 dead people, a six-month old baby and a slew of weapons before they both died in a shootout with police.

A foolproof way to feel good about yourself this holiday season is to send a message to a survivor of prison sexual abuse.

At a campaign rally in Manassas, Virginia, yesterday, Donald Trump hoisted a young boy into the air so that he could ask a darling little question: “What will the wall be made out of?”

A Maryland police officer who put a gun to a man’s head last year—in an apparent effort to show off for his dumb New Jersey friends—was convicted of first-degree assault and misconduct in office yesterday. The Washington Post reports that the Officer Jenchesky Santiago of the Prince George’s County Police Department will serve at least five years in jail for the conviction.

This morning, an all white marble bust of Dick Cheney was unveiled after what amounted to a series of very uncomfortable jokes tip-toeing around the former Vice President’s role in 9/11. It was a beautiful ceremony.

Politico correspondent Mike Allen has insisted that his obsequious attempts to secure an interview with Chelsea Clinton, in which Allen promised to conduct a “no risk” exchange and to clear interview questions beforehand, did not reflect his normal practices or Politico’s editorial standards. New emails obtained by Gawker, however, indicate Allen has repeatedly offered similar terms to at least one politician on Capitol Hill.

Here are today’s front pages of New York City’s two tabloid newspapers. Which one is “better?”

According to a Congressional report released today, getting past the Secret Service is as easier than getting backstage at a Nickelback concert—at least they make you buy a ticket first.

In a straight-to-VHS Mary-Kate & Ashley movie come to life, five New Jersey 5th graders were arrested yesterday after teachers discovered their plot to “bomb” another school’s assembly. Police say the 10- and 11-year-old students at Clifton Elementary School 11 made a “device” out of cinnamon and vinegar.

The IRS—the department that collects all the money that funds everything the U.S. government wants to do—is being slowly gutted. What could go wrong?