Tonight's Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen featured jokes so offensive we almost felt guilty laughing at them, all told rapid-fire in one bit after another. That's probably why Sheen's more subdued remarks at the end balanced out the otherwise crazy 90 minutes.

There's a rumor going around Arizona about a black fellow claiming to be president, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio, is going to get to the bottom of it—even if it gets him tons of press kills him.

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In most universes, Charlie Sheen is the guy at the bar who you avoid making eye contact with. In this universe, where we live, Charlie Sheen's going to walk away from his extended manic episode with $25 million. String theory!

Tot Mom, meet Tit Mom. The 13th season of Dancing with the Stars premiered tonight with a fresh crop of celebrity competitors to break in its brand new set. One of the show's most anticipated moments was the appearance of perpetually angry grief pornographer Nancy Grace. You know, so we could all see how angry she was.

Netflix announced this morning that it's renaming its mail-order DVD service "Qwikster." But it seems to have forgotten to check that the Twitter account @Qwikster was available. It wasn't: An affable stoner named Jason has been using it as a personal account for months. "that'sSoEmbracing," he says.

Sept. 19 is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. For most would-be buccaneers, this is an opportunity to drink grog and try out their best Captain Jack Sparrow impersonations. Danger Room certainly does not discourage this kind of behavior.

If you live in New York City and are wondering why your commute was messed up, besides the fact that it's always messed up, check out these pictures from WPIX's James Ford. That's right! A sinkhole!

It's been a long, hard Dancing with the Stars-free summer, but tonight, a dozen new celebrity contenders will sashay across the ballroom floor for the judges' score (and our votes) as Season 13 gets officially underway. So why not watch and comment along with everyone else right here in this post!

MySpace had a big summer "coming out party" planned for itself, to prove that it was full of new energy . Investor Justin Timberlake was going to be there and everything! Sadly, the social network had to cancel this party, because it continues to die.

After a series of sprawling incest scandals grabbed international headlines, the world wondered: How can the birth of multiple children of incest occur in a community, without anyone noticing or lifting a finger to stop it?

Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan get all the press, but they're hardly Silicon Valley's only pair with ten figures between them. Dropbox's twentysomething CEO Drew Houston just became a billionaire — and we hear he didn't reach that milestone alone.

Liberals can finally stop occupying Wall Street and screeching pointlessly on their insular blog sites: President Barack Obama is going to tax the rich! He's finally standing up to Wall Street and throwing all his weight behind this symbolic gesture which will do little to fill the yawing gap of empire-induced debt! He just announced his firm intentions today. Already, the economy is crumbling.

Today we pondered a very important question: Are pumpkin spice lattes ruining American manhood? Probably, yes! But they don't have to. You just have to change your mindset, argues one commenters.

Yes, homosexuals, you can openly serve in your nation's military starting tomorrow. There's even a letter on officially Army stationery and everything. That seems so fancy and...well, gay!

Occupy Wall Street, The Anonymous-backed protests in Lower Manhattan, caused some headaches for financial district commuters today. But one business couldn't be happier: Liberatos pizza, the official caterer of the the Wall Street protests.

The Rogue, Joe McGinniss' much-discussed gossipy book about Sarah Palin, hits stores tomorrow. But why wait an entire day to learn the most salacious news about Sarah and Todd Palin—and butts? We've got it for you now.

At Bangkok's only government-approved body-slapping beauty shop, Khemmikka Na Songkhla will repeatedly slap a woman in boobs, butt, or face, to improve shapeliness and size. During a demonstration for the Bangkok Post, she explains that this is an "ancient art," but "ancient people didn't share it much because back then people didn't care about breast size." Consequently, "the only one who can practice this wisdom" today is Songhkla.

Remember the "15 minute rule" in college where if a professor wasn't there 15 minutes after class was supposed to start, you were allowed to leave? Well, some students at University of Pennsylvania got the extreme version of that, when their class was canceled because the professor died.

Facebook is on track to take in several billion dollars in advertising revenue this year, which is weird because we have never actually clicked on a single Facebook ad ever. But liquor giant Diageo ran a study that found Facebook ads for two products in particular make people leave their computers and run to the store: Smirnoff and Baileys.