Today we said a big, spluttery "Happy birthday!" to beloved newstainment outfit Fox News. They're 15! Basically all grown up. This occasion requires something, a song perhaps. Luckily one commenter wrote one for us.

We don't mean to scare you, but there is a chance a satellite might fall from the sky, directly onto you this weekend. Oh, who are we kidding? We're definitely trying to freak you out.

Celebrating Oktoberfest? Ashamed of your scrawny calves? Meet Wundersock, the patented rubber foam insert for knee-sock-wearing for men. Lederhosen store owner Herbert Lipah invented the "wonderbra for men." He exports Wundersock supplies to Scotland and Namibia. (Apparently Namibians are really into Oktoberfest. Something about colonialism.) Lipah says his store's wares are very popular with "gays, tourists."

Gay men always get stereotyped as being drama queens while the lesbians escape the rap. Well, let's look at the case of Angela DeHart, the lesbian car thief who boosted a hearse with a body in the backseat. This crazy story will change the stereotype.

Kate Middleton, now the Duchess of Cambridge since she up and married Prince William, is pretty and poised and seems to the manor born. Well, to us commoners at least. To the royal family she still needs work, so she's taking royalty lessons.

As we type, Wal-Mart is working hard to win approval for its very first Store Numero Uno in New York City. But according to a horrifying and hopefully untrustworthy new study, Wal-Mart would like to have 159 stores here. Gah.

It was fifteen years ago next month that the malevolent force known as Fox News Channel first ruptured Rupert Murdoch's birth-sac and emerged, steaming and foul, onto our television screens. The gang is all getting together to celebrate the upcoming special day with a party tonight at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan. Chelsea Piers, right on 11th Avenue around 23rd St. Everyone will be there—Roger, Bill, Gretchen, Steve, Sean, Jesse, Rupert. Go say hi!

Daphne Guinness—wild-eyed couture addict, eccentric beer heiress, and taker of violent baths—has coined the most wonderfully paradoxical fashion mantra ever: "I'll eat when I'm dead." She subsists on nothing but Red Bull and Ensure, and is working on a memoir. [New Yorker, image via Getty]

The weirdest thing in the whole entire USA Today "economic reporting as well as stories about angels" newspaper today was this alleged propaganda piece about how Americans just keep getting more and more pessimistic about the economy. What's the major malfunction, Americans? Unhappy about the virtually assured prospect of several more relentlessly awful years of your home not gaining value as you foolishly expected, extending the fearsome "lost decade" unto, it seems, infinity? Well I guess that makes sense.

The Federal Reserve's Open Market Committee responded to congressional Republicans' unprecedented letter warning that "further intervention by the Federal Reserve could exacerbate current problems or further harm the U.S. economy" by, well, intervening further anyway! Slightly further. Helpfully further? Eh, probably not.

What, you thought just because it's no longer safe to wear white trousers that all of the out east drama has dried up? Oh, heavens no. In fact, it's heating up quicker then a broken down jitney on a mid–August Friday. Tonight at 10/9 CST, Revenge, your newest not-so-guilty pleasure starring Emily VanCamp of Everwood fame, premieres on ABC.

Thousands of sweaty-palmed nerds are super psyched that their favorite place to creep on underage girls has returned. Reddit, the popular message board owned by Advance Publications, Conde Nast's parent company, has decided to revive its forum devoted to aggregating pictures of "jailbait."

Perpetual shit-show Julian Assange has notched another screw-up in his long list of self-undermining failures: The much-vaunted memoir, for which he received a $1.5 million advance, and wherein he was to lay out for once and for all a defense against the malicious attacks leveled at him from all sides, is going to be published tomorrow against his will because he is an impossible human being.

A new IHOP pancake depot is soon to open in Manhattan's East Village, the downtown epicenter of NYU kids and other tight-jeaned menaces. Management is expecting such a deluge of late-night customers streaming in from the bar-heavy neighborhood that they've hired security.

Zooey Deschanel, the hipster labradoodle with bangs, is a sort of love it or hate it proposition. Either people are into her Williamsburg boho approximation of a Lisa Frank folder with giant eyes and twee giggles, or they want to punch her in the face. The same is true for her new Fox sitcom New Girl. So, which side are you on?

In your woebegone Wednesday media column: network news is on the ups, The Source magazine remembered, Harper's Bazaar cuts back, the trickle away from The Daily continues, and ad revenue at the NYT is bad (again, still).

This is all that happens when you let foreign people into the country: unpaid parking tickets, everywhere. Okay, at least that's the case for foreign diplomats, who owe millions of dollars in tickets between New York City and Washington, dating back decades.

This is a real headline on the Wall Street Journal's web site, right now: "Should Black Women Marry Outside the Race? We Want Your Opinions Via Webcam."

The Senate is about to debate whether Google is evil. The search giant's competitors, including Yelp, have come out swinging, and they seem to have a good case.

After the unceremonious firing of four cast members of Bravo's Real Housewives of New York, fans have been abuzz (positively abuzz!) about who would replace them. It seems now they might have an answer.