After initially announcing that he'd attack her again if he had the chance, angry drunk Stephen Hanks has apologized for telling Bristol Palin that her mother is a "whore" and "white trash." His lawyer released a statement to E! News:

We all hear stories about kids who are given ridiculous names—usually kids that are born to celebrities—but when you're looking to name your child, don't turn to a "baby name blog." They're full of horrible ideas too, like this one.

Rezwan Ferdaus, a 26-year-old Massachusetts resident was arrested in an FBI sting on Wednesday after allegedly plotting to use a large remote controlled aircraft packed with C-4 plastic explosives to attack the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol.

For a while now Reebok has been selling its dumb fake "EasyTone" shoes that allegedly tone your butt (ladies), using magic. If you believed that Reebok EasyTone shoes would tone your butt, you are dumb. Well, now Reebok has to pay $25 million, for fooling you.

Jared Lee Loughner returned to court today, where authorities established that the accused mass murderer is still insane. According to a government psychiatrist, Loughner believes he killed Gabrielle Giffords, has "several imaginary friends," and lost TV privileges because he thought the tube was sending him messages. When doctors informed him that he is insane, he was reportedly "devastated." [NYT, images via AP]

The worst part of any fruit salad, cantaloupe, is now the most deadly. Sixteen people are dead and 56 more people in 18 states have fallen ill after eating melons which were infected with listeria.

As Yahoo CEO from 2007-2008, Jerry Yang infamously turned down Microsoft's acquisition offer of $46 billion, more than double Yahoo's current market value. But the programmer favorite is said to have "re-assumed command" now that unimaginative Carol Bartz is gone.

What's the latest and greatest jobs proposal from the pride of the nation, your 112th Congress? This week, it's called "taking the week off." But when the House comes back for its light work schedule next week, longtime Alaska Rep. Don Young plans to introduce this... thing: A bill "to repeal every single federal regulation put in place since 1991." Lord knows how many all-nighters his staff pulled tweaking the details of this beast.

Poor Tessa. Her well-meaning dad (played by Jeremy Sisto, who, yes, is old enough to play a dad) has dragged her West Village-born-and-raised ass to the gleaming suburbs, ostensibly to enjoy the pristine lawn care, excellent schools, and clean air. Not shockingly, Tessa hates it.

Finally getting hip to the fact that it is the world's sexual barometer, Google has introduced its own sort of gaydar, which will tell you which celebrities are gay and which are straight. But how reliable is it?

The New York Times has belatedly picked up the flag of the Occupy Wall Street protesters, with columnist Jim Dwyer arguing that the wanton pepper-spraying of a group of female demonstrators by an NYPD inspector was "like a punch in the face." It was! The only difference between the two, when you think about it, is that with the pepper-spray incident, no one got punched in the face.

Kardashian cast mate Scott Disick is the biggest dick on television. But is his dick big, too? During an interview with xoJane.com, Kourtney referred to her baby daddy's penis as "like an elephant's trunk." Kim and Khloe immediately jumped in with their own lurid descriptions of their sister's partner's phallus. Just normal sister stuff, you know?

Are you pissed off at Facebook for, whatever? (Yes you are.) Users of the popular message board Reddit have undertaken a systematic campaign to annoy Facebook using arcane European privacy laws that force the company to mail their personal data to them on a CD. Heroes, one and all.

Gay advocacy group GLAAD has released its annual survey of what network has the most gay characters on television and, buoyed significantly by Glee, Fox has taken the top spot. Good for them!

Talk about a shitty Monday. Yesterday a woman at the D.C. General Services office went to use a toilet when it exploded and injured her. She was rushed to the hospital. Was it because she was going to take an inappropriate office poop?

In your vivacious Wednesday media column: important media person loves puppies, a publisher's going to jail, NBC News decides to stand for something, Bloomberg View's editor is out, an NYT writer goes to HuffPo, and how to be a dick.

Delete all you want, but Facebook never forgets. At least when it comes to your defriendings, pokes, and RSVPS, it doesn't. And it also has a keen memory for what computers you've used, and who you were sharing those computers with. Your Facebook dossier can easily run to hundreds of pages, as some European citizens have learned.

Deposed Libyan leader Col. Muammar Qaddafi is "believed to be hiding near the western town of Ghadames near the Algerian border under the protection of Tuareg tribesmen," according to a Libyan official. Very surprising news! We were guessing Cleveland.

Here's a new full-length trailer for the upcoming ensemble romcom New Year's Eve, director Garry Marshall's second attempt, after the catastrophe that was Valentine's Day, to tap into Love Actually's sprawling charm. Yuck.

While a roomful of people at Ronald Reagan's library were begging Chris Christie to run for president last night, Sarah Palin was making a whole new fool of herself on Fox News! Why would she needs a "title," like president, she explained. Wouldn't that prevent her from being completely irresponsible at all times, which is her... charm?