An Iowa convenience store owner tried to reward his most clairvoyant employees by awarding $10 to any cashier who correctly guessed which of their coworkers were soon to become an ex-coworker. Ten whole dollars! Enough to buy Doritos and gum for your entire family. Enough to buy ten Mega Lucky Power Lotto Ball tickets.
Not even Canada wants Russell Brand. Gene Simmons finally gets married, which means he can have sex for the first time. Kim Kardashian is nice to someone. Sunday gossip is ready to go hunting at Rick Perry's camp!
Last night President Barack Obama delivered the keynote address at the Human Rights Campaign (HRC)'s National Dinner in Washington, DC, and spent much of his time at the podium raving about his meal. "The dinner rolls were absolutely divine," he said. "The little potatoes—well, I need to get that seasoning recipe before I leave here tonight. And the peas and carrots had the perfect amount of butter on them. I remember when I was really little, like maybe five or six, my mother used to drop a whole inch-thick cube of butter on my peas and carrots, which turned them into a fattening, greasy soup. I always told her, 'Ma,' I said, 'if you want me to eat my vegetables, you gotta lighten up on the Land o'Lakes. My arteries, man.' But she never acknowledged my simple requests, and now I bear the emotional scars of feeling invisible during my formative years."
A Florida woman faces a charge of battery causing bodily harm after breaking the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not throw thy Bible at thy son's girlfriend. She is literally a Bible beater.
Kanye West, whose blood, at this point, has almost entirely been replaced with cocaine, has decided that, in addition to releasing embarrassing rap albums every year, he will design women's clothing. He debuted his first collection, Dw Kanye West, in Paris yesterday. No one was very enthusiastic.
Would it surprise you to learn that Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry used to bring friends and colleagues around to a west Texas hunting camp called "Niggerhead"? No? Yeah, it didn't surprise us much, either.
Having, apparently, nothing better to do, NYPD spent Saturday allowing Occupy Wall Street protesters to halfway-cross the Brooklyn Bridge before cutting the marchers off and arresting several people, a controversial crowd-control tactic known as "kettling." Here's an eyewitness account.
As Americans slowly masturbate their pudgy, formless bodies into oblivion, it has become increasingly clear that soon a new species will arise to fill the void once occupied by the only race to have set foot on the moon. And, lo, here is that species: The "Hairy Crazy Ant."
In response to light formations ("bat signals") in the sky, a man wearing Batman garb showed up at the main police station in Christchurch, New Zealand wondering what the emergency was. But a police officer determined that the man was too "scrawny" to be the actual Batman, and dismissed him as an imposter. Guess they didn't hear about Batman's Sensa diet.
British animator Sarah Wickens uses sunlight as her main medium in creating this stop-motion video that features devious sun-hands slashing the wallpaper, knocking shit over, and reaching up from the floorboards as though it wished to yank someone by the ankles and pull them down into its terrifying abyss. Now we know who's been moving around our furniture when we leave home in the afternoons.
On Thursday night, China launched Tiangong-1, its first space laboratory, and the first step in an ambitious plan to build a complete manned orbiting space station by 2020. Naturally, to show off its handiwork, the Chinese government released an animated video simulating the launch of Tiangong ("Heavenly Palace"), set to the soaring strains of, uhhh, "America the Beautiful." Why? "I don't know how to answer your question," Chen Zhansheng of the CCTV propaganda told The Guardian. "I cannot help you." Clearly a ploy to lull Americans into a false sense of security while the Chinese use the space station to beam mind-control rays into the brain of their puppet-president "Barack Obama"! [Guardian]
A teacher and two teacher's aides at a Texas elementary school disciplined their special-needs fifth-graders by soaking some cotton balls in vinegar and shoving them into the kids' mouths. Some of the kids couldn't talk. If they can't talk, they can't complain.
Jason Biggs' real life is actually sort of like his American Pie life. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting some Kabbalah Kounseling. And poor Cyclops can't win. Saturday gossip is looking for its daughter, who may or may not be with a goat.
With falling stock prices, debit-card users flipping out about the company's plan to steal $5 from them every month, and a brand-new lawsuit on their hot little hands, the devil worshipers at Bank of America aren't too thrilled about reporters talking to their customers right now. But journalists must report on the news, and so the Arkansas correspondent for the New York Times stopped by a branch in Fayetteville to get some customer feedback on the bank's latest thieving scheme. B of A did not appreciate that very much.
