Like the unholy, reanimated body of a lost loved one, the season two premiere of The Walking Dead is lurking just around the corner, ready to strike panic in your heart—and possibly rip your throat out.

Earlier this month we told you how Napster founder Sean Parker tipped a West Hollywood waitress $5,000 during a big night out with friends. Turns out Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg was one of those friends, and the night ended with him and Parker in a drunken "screaming match."

The much-dreaded (by some, at least) remake of the 1984 teen classic turns out to be, with an injection of youth, quite spry indeed. It's an old story made refreshingly new. But not too new.

Do you frequently shop at undistinguished clothing store "[Just, no 'The'] Gap?" Haha, what is wrong with you? Bad news, friend: you should know that you are not participating in the current popular fashion trends!

Lindsay Lohan's probation is at risk again, but people are mostly worried about her teeth. Ashton's mistress makes a video. Adam Levine is naked, again. Hilary Duff is four months pregnant. Friday gossip wonders if the toothbrushes are better in jail.

This chanteuse has a thing for guys that are taken. This actress thinks she's too good for Dancing with the Stars but that it's perfect for her brother. Oh, and there's something about pregnancy that is just totally silly.

At long last, little local DC trade newspaper Politico has its very own Jayson Blair-type uproar! Short version: Politico reporter Kendra Marr was apparently a serial plagiarist.

Earlier this week, we told you about the case of Phillip Garber (seen in the video above), the precocious 16 year-old college student whose professor asked him not to speak in class because of his stuttering problem. Wholly predictable outrage ensued! Now, the professor is defending herself. Let's listen!

Here's the director of parks and recreation in Prescott, Arizona (pink suit) telling college student/artistic person Kristin Anthony (brown-haired woman on the right) why she had to stop work on her senior project—a community park bench and mosaic created by park users under Anthony's supervision. It's because some of the symbols people have chosen to decorate the bench with are "un-traditional" and therefore unacceptable.

Looks like Brookfield Properties' planned 7 A.M. cleaning of Zuccotti Park—headquarters for the Occupy Wall Street movement—has been postponed, meaning that the protesters and their tarps can stay. And Russell Simmons won't have to go to jail!

To make your own version of the world's most expensive dessert, go to Costco and pick up a two-carat diamond, a squeezable bottle of champagne jelly (they sell an economy-sized version now), champagne caviar, bitter dark chocolate, orange, peach and whiskey-flavored Belgian chocolate, "a light biscuit joconde" (not this kind of joconde but this kind), a gold ring, some pink things, and several sheets of gold leaf.

Oh, maybe: "What we are really seeing as a company as we look 10, 20, 30 years down the road—if conditions continue as they are—is a potentially significant risk to our supply chain, which is the Arabica coffee bean," says Jim Hanna, the sustainability director at Starbucks (a bottom line-focused coffee chain whose name you might recognize).

One reason why some people oppose same-sex marriage is that they've never met a happy, loving gay couple or family. That's what the Campaign for Southern Equality is trying to change with the WE DO Campaign.

Alex Torres (born: Alexandre Boisvert; aliases: VooDoo Child, Voodoo, Voo Doo, Lex) is a French Canadian skydiver and porn actor currently living in California, who wanted to get the attention of Howard Stern. So he shot a video (NSFW link here), set to Katy Perry's "E.T.", of him having sex with Hope Howell, a receptionist at Skydive Taft School in Bakersfield, where he works. But they weren't just having sex. They were having sex in the plane. They were having sex as they jumped out together. And they were still having sex as they hurtled towards the ground. (I'm sure you think you know where this is going, but the two landed safely and without incident, and at no point did Howell reach behind her to pull the ripcord and accidentally tear Voodoo's dick off.)

Two-time Oscar-winning soul-vendor Hilary Swank has had some time to think about her paid appearance at a lavish, floating birthday party for Chechnya's murderous president, Ramzan Kadyrov. And she now regrets it.

Doctors are baffled at the case of Nguyen Thi Phuong, a 26-year-old Vietnamese woman who says that an allergic reaction caused her skin to sag and wrinkle, effectively aging her 50 years in just a few days.

No! There. That was easy. But the San Jose Mercury News reports on a growing movement among San Francisco restaurant workers to make the addition of a 25 percent gratuity to high-end dining bills mandatory. (What's with San Francisco's obsession with tips legislation? First the circumcision ban, now this.)

Rap mogul Russell Simmons offered via Twitter to pay for the cleanup activities mandated by Mayor Bloomberg down at Occupy Wall Street HQ in Zuccotti Park. He received no response. Simmons then repeatedly pledged he'd join protesters in jail.

Here we have a perfectly rational, not-at-all-insane news report, introduced by a sober anchor, about how Snoop Dogg reached out to a Welshman named Ian Neale, whom he'd stumbled upon on YouTube discussing a noteworthy accomplishment: Neale grew the world's largest rutabaga, or "swede" as they are known in the U.K. — short for Swedish turnip.

Bill O'Reilly has already described Occupy Wall Street protesters as violent America-hating anarchists. Apparently he didn't get his point across, so tonight he called them drug-traffickers and crackheads, too, as you'll see in this clip from the Factor.