In a brand-new blockbuster ad—titled "High Tech Lynching," in a nod to legendary American victim-of-libruls Clarence Thomas—supporters of Ann Coulter Academy of Superior Blackness graduate Herman Cain rail against all the imaginary sexual harassment allegations their man has been facing in the wake of lying litigant-to-be(?) Politico's lie-filled reports.
For at least several months now, convenient caffeinated masturbatorium Starbucks has been quietly waging war against the laptop hobos who fill its seats all day to "work on that screenplay" (browse Craigslist sex ads) while nursing a single drink. Now, the evidence is in: busting laptop hobo riff-raff= big buck$$$!
Unless you're into the tonsured monk look, you should probably avoid pissing off Gabriela Nunez—a 19-year-old bouffant-ed brawler from Las Cruces, New Mexico who allegedly ripped the scalp off another woman during a particularly intense fight. She must have one hell of a hand-gripper exercise regimen.
Last week, Special Love Theologian Daniel Avila, the policy advisor for Marriage and Family at the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, issued a provocative analysis of why sometimes a man and another man love each other very much: "The scientific evidence of how same-sex attraction most likely may be created provides a credible basis for a spiritual explanation that indicts the devil."
Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin and ibuprofen, the end.
The War on Hugs continues apace in America's prison-schools, with panicked administrators enforcing no-hugging policies to ensure that their youthful charges don't injure each other—or worse. The latest casualties are 14-year-old Florida middle schooler Nickolas Martinez and his female friend, who just received a one-day in-school suspension for hugging on school grounds. Have they no shame?
Have you ever visited New York City and left feeling like there was so much you didn't see? Maybe you've only made it to the city in spring or summer and you're curious about what it's like in the dead of winter? Well, thanks to this video by cameraman Andrew Clancy, now you can experience an entire year in the Big Apple from the comfort of your own home, no matter where in the world it is. [via BuzzFeed]
At last, the mystery has been solved of why the sound of long, sharp fingernails running slooooowly down a dry blackboard can induce chills and screams just by description alone. And we can all thank a group of scientists from Germany, who subjected a number of participants to that very sound over and over and OVER and OVER and HAHAHAHAHA!!!
On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert sifted through the latest developments in Herman Cain's sexual harassment scandal, including claims by Rush Limbaugh that the whole thing is nothing more than a racist attack on Cain perpetrated by bigoted liberals. Because Limbaugh would never say anything racist! Except that he would, and—as Colbert then demonstrated—has.
Leave no fingerprints. That's the way corporate security is supposed to work. But John Theriault left big, messy ones when his Apple security agents penetrated the home of an innocent San Francisco man. Now Theriault is out of a job, and his creepy security department will probably be a lot more careful—about getting caught.
Behold the new Boy Scouts of America print campaign, as conceived by Ogilvy & Mather and approved, apparently, by The Powers That Be. And while there are those who will inevitably object to the disorienting addition of bio-realistic beards to the beaming smiles of four pre-pubescent boys eager for whatever adventures lie ahead, I for one applaud the introduction of the century-old youth organization to the emergent hipster hobby of facial forestry and artisanal whisker cultivation. Just keep base camp far away from Amish country. [Copyranter]
Conan O'Brien ended his week-long stint in New York with a bang tonight: He officiated at the same-sex wedding of a staffer and aired the ceremony on his TBS talk show. Scott Cronick works as Conan's costume designer and he was accompanied down the aisle by Bravo's Andy Cohen before tying the knot with his partner, David Gorshein, under a chuppah that had been set up on the stage. Then it was up to Conan to make it official, as you can see in this clip from the show.
Noted Hollywood fauxteur Brett Ratner appeared on Attack of the Show to pimp his latest brain-smoothing studio confection, Tower Heist. After a comfortable amount of brown-nosing, host Kevin Pereira pointedly asked the director if rumors were true that a particularly unflattering passage in former co-host Olivia Munn's memoir, Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures Of A Hollywood Geek, had referred to Ratner. (The story, as Munn recounts it, involved a major movie director whipping out his tiny penis without warning and proceeding to jerk off, while simultaneously eating cocktail-sauce-slathered jumbo shrimps with the other hand.)
Jon Stewart started out on tonight's Daily Show by acknowledging that the Occupy Wall Street movement resonates with many people across the country. Except for "one small caveat." Stewart then replayed footage from a previous episode in which he warned the movement against violence, followed by a clip of protesters in Oakland vandalizing a Whole Foods store.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg addressed an international economic forum at Columbia University on Thursday, during which he sounded off against certain, nameless, intellectually substandard presidential candidates who claim not to believe in things like the theory of evolution and global warming.
At precisely 2 p.m. ET on Wednesday, November 9th, FEMA will conduct the first ever test of a Presidential Emergency Alert System — a nationwide public warning system that, according to the FCC, "requires broadcasters, cable television systems, wireless cable systems, satellite digital audio radio service providers, and direct broadcast satellite providers to provide the communications capability to the President to address the American public during a national emergency." Yikes. The original test was planned to run over three minutes — much longer than the ear-piercing localized tests you're already used to — but the test has been reduced to 30 seconds after many jittery people made a stink. Why?
LAPD Commander Andrew Smith told reporters that Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman who filed a paternity claim against 17-year-old pop star Justin Bieber, could be the target of a police investigation, as their alleged Staples Center bathroom tryst in 2010 would qualify as statutory rape. As our own Max Read clarified in his report, the California penal code stipulates that any sex between someone over 18 and under 18 constitutes "statutory rape." (Yeater was 19 at the time; Bieber 16, and allegedly a virgin.) If the difference in age between the two is under three years, it's a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail. Ouch. Pretty harsh. Though prison might be the safest place for Yeater right now. [AP, Photo of Bieber (left) via Getty Images]
Stanley Roberts, a reporter for San Francisco's KRON-TV, hosts a Cops-like show on the station called People Behaving Badly. Roberts went from onlooker to participant recently when he incurred the sassy wrath of the man in this video, who wanted nothing to do with Roberts and his "fat, lazy, non-relevant, non-factor ass." Ladies and gentlemen, the new Antoine Dodson. [via Dlisted]
