So, Chelsea Clinton is joining NBC "News" to "report" on "Making a Difference." We'll pause here as you get out all of the obvious jokes. (Pause.) Great. Now, let's take a moment to contemplate just how vapid our nation's most powerful "news" networks really are.

Sexological tabloid hate columnist Andrea Peyser (pictured, on left) is fighting a war for your very soul on many fronts. Not only is Andrea ably covering the heathen War on Christmas; she keeps her beady eyes open for any indications of a greater War on Christianity. And for hot teen sexxx! But today, War on Christianity.

Star-faced tattoo lady Kat von D took to her Facebook this weekend to write a post titled "Thank you, Jesse James," in which she claims that her ex-Poopstache Prince bedded at least other 19 women in the months leading up to their September breakup.

Fresh off their victory in Ohio—where voters rejected an anti-collective bargaining law supported by their "reflective" Republican governor, John Kasich—the unions are now aiming to unseat Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker before he makes rank-and-file membership a criminal offense.

You might remember Tay Zonday as the bespectacled, baritone-voiced young man behind "Chocolate Rain"—the repetitive YouTube song-meme that, at first, intrigued you with its sincerity and yellow-tinted charm until it wouldn't stop popping into your head and nearly driving you insane. He's got a new song! It's an anthem for the 99 percent.

Not only did Justin Timberlake keep his promise to attend Saturday night's Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Va., but he also wrote a lovely recap of his evening in which he shows humility and respect for his soldier-hosts. It might even make you teary-eyed.

"Gott kvöld and good evening. We are now making our final descent into Boston Logan International Airport. Please put your tray tables up, return your seats to the upright position, and could the passenger who took $300 out of Chief Purser Dagbjört's purse please return it? Once again, thank you for choosing Icelandair for all your mile-high pickpocketing needs."

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

The city of Rio had a busy Sunday: 3,000 heavily armed police and military troops swarmed one of the city's largest favelas as part of a massive effort to secure the city in anticipation of the 2014 World Cup and 2016 Summer Olympics. Explore operation "Shock of Peace" in this slideshow.

Thousands of Occupy Portland protesters faced off with police on Sunday after they had failed to heed a midnight deadline from Mayor Sam Adams to evacuate their encampment. By early afternoon, Portland police outfitted in riot gear had surrounded the park while a "general assembly" (or a "huge party") was held by protesters to discuss (or percuss) next moves.

According to a chef who used to cook delicious-sounding vegetarian meals for Muammar Gaddafi, the dead dictator of Libya had some pretty intense sexual habits. Sometimes Gaddafi's bedroom performances even forced his partners victims to seek medical treatment, the aide told the Sunday Times.

After allegedly smacking his girlfriend upside the head with his guitar, dedicated axeman Edwin Summers offered this explanation: "When a woman messes with my guitar, she messes with my world." Did somebody celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day a bit too strenuously? Because that shit sounds straight out of This Is Spinal Tap.

If we still had a heart (we recently sold it for firewood), it would go out to Mamadou and Assetou Sy: a Manhattan couple of the Muslim faith who have been targeted by 911-dialing pranksters at least 155 times in the past two years. Are their harassers anti-Muslim?

The GOP's Presidential candidates split sharply on the question of whether or not to torture prisoners at Saturday night's national security debate in South Carolina. Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann aggressively defended the use of waterboarding, while Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman condemned torture as immoral and illegal.

Though the great American dream of McMansion ownership is gone forever, the scaled-down American dream of McMansion renter-ship is still within reach. In California, for example, "thousands" of sell-out college kids are occupying McMansions to cut down their housing costs and study in hot tubs.

Respected economist Mario Monti has been asked by Italy's president to form a new government. We'd point out that "respected technocrats" were the guys who got Europe into this mess in the first place, but, shit, anyone's better than Berlusconi.

Before yesterday's Battle of Spartanburg—aka "another goddamn Republican presidential debate"—Michele Bachmann's campaign intercepted a terrible email from a CBS staffer stating that Bachmann wouldn't be asked as many questions as the other clownidates because she's polling at four percent and will lose. Vulgarity ensued.

As a patriotic American, I understand that it's necessary for our safety to frisk any and all brown people who attempt to travel on airplanes. Even so, I think we can probably assume that it was unnecessary to frisk the former President of India. Twice.

Colorado cowboy hat-wearer David Scott says his stepbrother became addicted to meth after smoking it from one of those glass pipes with the crazy psychedelic swirls in them. So he recently smashed a bunch of similar pipes to take a stand and protest how such pipes "are ruining people's lives."

J. Lo's new boy toy never wears his shirt. Justin Timberlake keeps his promise to a marine. Zoe Saldana is single. Sunday gossip is in a "bromance."