Yeah, last night was the TV debut of Chelsea Clinton, NBC's newest """""journalist.""""" All you non-famous kids out there who saddled yourselves with a lifetime of debt in order to pay for journalism school, who are now either unemployed or underemployed or stuck at some boring dead end niche publication wondering how your journalism dream turned out so differently than you imagined: maybe Chelsea Clinton will put you in one of her charity news segments on teevee one day. That would be a dream come true for you.

Scientists emerged from their particle-smashers on Tuesday to let the world know that they still haven't found the Higgs boson—the so-called "God particle" that could explain why objects have mass—and that they still need a few more months, at least, to find this totally real thing that is not an excuse for physicists to throw lavish parties inside the enormous CERN dome with all that grant money:

Remember Pedro and Buddy, the gay penguin couple that the Toronto Zoo was going to separate so they could mate and then reunite? Well, it looks like their love won't last being shoved in the closet by the zookeepers. This is so so sad.

This actor not only has a tiny dick but sucks in bed. This sitcom star had a secret about Natalie Wood's death, this celeb's pregnancy is a total fake, and this actress is making bank off staged paparazzi pictures. We all have our secrets and shortcomings.

In the past, we have used this space to mock new New York Times columnist Frank Bruni for starting out poorly, then getting progressively, unbelievably worse. He seems to lack any convictions at all, let alone interesting ones; though he's only been on the job for half a year, he's already been reduced to padding his column with excruciatingly boring stories from his own life, due to his apparent dearth of worthwhile ideas about important issues.

Two Four people are dead after a man (men?) threw as many as four hand grenades at a bus stop in Liège, Belgium. One of the dead is apparently an the attacker; there are seven critically injured and 47 injured total. And apparently people are saying it was part of an attempted jailbreak?

Every time a Blackwater centurion discharged his weapon in Iraq, the company filed a written report with the U.S. State Department. Blackwater shot Iraq to shit. Here are the reports.

The thing that some people don't understand about crime is that you have to put some thought into it. You can't just run around willy-nilly doing stupid idiot crimes and expect to get rich and famous and live a life of leisure outside the walls of a prison. You have to plan shit. You can't just, you know, steal $285,000 and hope that nobody notices.

After two years filled with late-night wars, Jon Stewart smackdowns, TV movie meltdowns, Mariah Carey moments, cable news feuds/farts/giggle fits, awards show mayhem, stupid politicians, stupider reality stars, stupidest Kardashians, stunts from Lady Gaga, satire from Stephen Colbert, the Food Network's classiest (and trashiest), gay activism, teenage triumphs/tribulations, devils dancing topless, South Park, SNL, cats, corgis, cute curmudegons and rent that was too damn high, it's time for me to say goodbye.

Lo, white male computer nerds have discovered political injustice! And since it's crushing their dreams of becoming internet billionaires, they're actually doing something about it, on a site called "I Work for the Internet." It's adorable and depressing at the same time.

A report in the NY Post says the city's Parks Department has issued 113 summonses between January and November to people they've caught drinking alcohol on the High Line, the mile-long public park installed in an abandoned, elevated freight railroad that runs along Manhattan's west side. That's by far the most tickets of any park in the five boroughs.

Nate Berkus — the window-treatmenting savante crafted out of a spare Ugg boot by the Great Goddess Oprah herself — is having a bad week. Harpo and Sony TV have confirmed that The Nate Berkus Show will cease production after two snore-inducing seasons of tween bedroom renovations and dollar-store fashion shows for unfabulous women.

You know how you spend every minute of your waking life desperately afraid that you will be found out as a laughable fraud and all your accomplishments discovered to be built on a foundation of luck and lies? Well! As it turns out, even babies can tell how unbelievably full of shit you are.

First Sarah Palin had her moment in the sun. Then Bristol did. Now it's Todd's turn: The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Palins are shopping yet another reality show, this time about Todd's "career as a championship snowmobile racer." Too bad nobody wants it.

Thousands of Verizon customers across New Jersey received a terrifying text at 12:26 p.m. today from the National Emergency Alert System — an "extreme alert" message that led them to think the country was under attack.

The FBI has files from a phone-monitoring company whose notorious software was on iPhones, Android phones, Nokias and BlackBerries. But since the files are being used "for law enforcement purposes," the feds won't talk about their contents. So you can't know what secrets the feds have gleaned from your phone, because that's a secret.

Bill Johnson, who made a failed bid for governor of Alabama in 2010, anonymously donated sperm to lesbian couples in New Zealand, according to a report by the New Zealand Herald.

The junior high school students who run the Fox News Charts Shop during detention have produced this latest visual explosion showcasing the unemployment rate's fluctuations under our current president, Obama. Some interesting findings here, specifically that the number 8.6 is the same thing as the number 9.0. If Obama can just get the unemployment rate down from 8.6% to 8.8% or 8.9%, then he'll be in the clear.

Seems like it was only last week when we decided that we needed to come up with a new word for "bro." What a journey it's been.

Fat dick and Fox News chief Roger Ailes is shopping a memoir, New York's Gabriel Sherman reports. It looks like the man who devoted his life to building a multibillion-dollar platform from which to attack his political and personal enemies wants to sum it all up in a book attacking his political and personal enemies.