Next time you're in the grocery store agonizing over which brand of molasses to buy, remember: Crosby's Molasses is the molasses brand that forces you to think about fucking an elderly woman. Again, that's Crosby's Molasses, for grandmother sex.

Mark Meckler (pictured) is the co-founder of the Tea Party Patriots and a big shot national Tea Party Leader. He supports Second Amendment rights, if you know what we mean. What we mean is he has been arrested for trying to carry a gun on a plane.

This Latina star truly has it all, including a new STD from her philandering partner. Which downtrodden musician is begging his ex-wife for some (much needed) cash? Today's blind item stars are totally are losing it.

TSA baggage screeners: not all bad! Sure, it was really creepy when one found Jill Filiopvic's vibrator and left a note saying "get your freak on girl." But wasn't he (or she) just encouraging Filipovic to take care of herself? And listen to this testimonial from rapper Freddie Gibbs, who was cautioned against overindulgence by a baggage screener at the Denver International Airport:

Earlier this week, Manattan ad executive Suzanne Hart was killed in a freak elevator accident. These things are referred to as "freak accidents" because they are very, very rare. No matter; everyone is taking the stairs now, forever.

Christopher Hitchens, the Clinton-loathing, religion-mocking, Kurd-loving, war-mongering, ball-waxing British drunk who contained multitudes and seemed to be insulting you somehow even when you agreed with him, which was precisely 59% of the time, has died of complications from esophageal cancer at the age of 62.

From "holiday trees" in state capitols to store greeters saying "Happy Holidays" to mall Santas asked to lower kids' expectations, Stephen Colbert has been shocked and appalled by the War on Christmas. But thankfully all is not lost because the Scottsdale Gun Club, of Scottsdale, AZ, is having people take pictures with Santa and their choice of gun. Santa, guns and your family, isn't that what Christmas, nay America, is really about?

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart used his last show of the year to deliver an impassioned plea to the people who have made Newt Gingrich the latest frontrunner for the Republican nomination; it boiled down to, simply, "don't do this." Stewart trotted out footage of other prominent Conservatives who have major problems with Gingrich but it doesn't seem to matter. After all, nothing can undo Gingrich's greatest quality: not being Mitt Romney.

Tonight is that most important of nights for Iowa Republicans: Their final chance to see our beloved field of Republican presidential candidates say the same things they say in every debate. But will they say these things differently? Who will fuck up most comically? Go soak that tampon in grain alcohol, put on a fresh pair of pants, and let's find out — together.

Consider Jean Quan's Facebook successfully occupied. The Oakland mayor has officially given up her would-be "fan page" after it was overwhelmed with critics of her handling of Occupy Oakland protests.

Now that Facebook, Google and Twitter have all published their year-in-review lists, we can definitively answer the question of, Who was dumber in the year 2011: Facebook, Google or Twitter users? Hard to tell ('cause they were all pretty dumb.)

Today a dark and mysterious internet website was decoded for us. Yes, we learned the five different types of posts that angsty twenty-somethings are either writing or reading, and it was not pretty. It can time to process hard information like this, time and practice. Fortunately for us, one commenter has provided us with a sample how-to-Thought-Catalog post.

Christmas is probably my favorite time of the year. There are so many great things about it: candy canes, presents, family togetherness, days off work, drunken holiday parties, crappy Christmas movies on ABC Family, Rudolph! What's not to love? Actually there are a handful of things not to love, and here they are.

Kleenex-sponsored cry-athon Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where living football Ty Pennington and a bunch of well-wishers would redo a home for an impossibly virtuous but down on their luck family each week is cancelled.

There's another Fox News GOP debate in Iowa tonight? Let's make silly jokes about it for two hours! The Gawker Political Desk's coverage will start at 9:00. Until then, we'll be stocking up on chemicals to huff.

Well, HMMM: the New York Times Co. just announced that CEO Janet Robinson is "retiring." It's fair to call this unexpected. Try reading between these lines, from the NYT's own story:

The Obama White House can be terrible at leading the nation. It's been incredibly soft on Wall Street and often horrible on basic human rights. But it can stand proud on its family Facebook policy! At a time when American parents help sneak their legally underaged kids onto Facebook, Sasha and Malia Obama are quite sensibly told to stay away from the social network.

Glen Maxey, the first openly gay member of the Texas State Legislature and longtime Democratic activist, spent most of last summer helping a reporter for a "national news outlet" nail down persistent rumors of Rick Perry's sexual relationships with men. The story got killed. So Maxey has published an e-book laying out the evidence. Among the charges: Rick Perry has a small dick.

Chimp research! Bird safety! Nemo extinction! Raptor claws! Rat acid! Alkali oceans! Lemur meat! Dolphin jetpack! And real talk words of wisdom about our current chemistry debates! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—with compassion!

Internet trolls! Everyone hates them. But are they actually good for something? A new academic paper argues the worst sort of trolling illuminates harsh truths about social networking, the internet, and the mainstream media.