January has not been kind to Lana Del Rey. Post-SNL and in the lead-up to the release of her debut album, Born To Die, Del Rey could be heard prattling through the halls of the Internet, mumbling her last rites. Article after article, tweet after tweet, the witch hunt grew.

A new week, a new bizarre story about Michelle Obama on the Drudge Report: "PAPER: Michelle Obama's shopping spree at luxury lingerie shop boosts sales..." The paper in question is the Sunday Telegraph, which declares that the first lady "has risked the wrath of cash-strapped Americans by indulging in a $50,000 shopping spree at Agent Provocateur." Is that, like, a million bras? Or what?

Snoop Dogg has posted this photo of Ron Paul with the text "SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY" overlaid and written "because i said so" in the caption, which may or may not be an endorsement, but if it is an endorsement then Ron Paul is not racist. [via Buzzfeed]

Don't be looking at me.

Bathroom lines are the bane of nightlife, and they only seem to be getting longer. Maybe this is because people are increasingly distracted by their smartphones in the bathroom, unable to go even a single stinky second without human contact. Stop.

Did you guys watch Luck on HBO last night? Did you fall asleep like I did? Well, if you tuned in you saw the most exciting thing before the show even started: a new trailer for Game of Thrones.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus said something that many would interpret as sort of insane on television yesterday, comparing President Obama to the Italian cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino, who ran away like a little pussy while all those people on his boat were dying.

Seventy-six teenagers had their dreams realized last week when Vassar—a "highly selective, coeducational, independent, residential, liberal arts college founded in 1861," if you didn't know—informed them that they'd been accepted to the class of 2016.

We're all adults here. It's time that we practiced a bit of brutal honesty. This is something that we—as a friend—feel that you should really know. Your baby is ugly.

I mean, what is that supposed to be? Chickens? When in Rome, I guess. (Or should I say China? lol)

Laughable right-wing muckraker James O'Keefe announced today he is suing the New Jersey Star-Ledger for defamation. As a person with inside knowledge of the newly litigious mind of James O'Keefe, I'd like to state that this has nothing to do with the time a girl says he stole her panties and tried to trap her in a barn. Nothing at all. I just like bringing up the panties story because it's weird and gross. [Project Veritas, image via]

Speaking of accused sexual assaulter Greg Kelly, here's screengrab from the front page of The Daily Beast. Writer and "former prosecutor of sex crimes in Massachusetts" Rikki Klieman is not nearly as sensitive as Law & Order: SVU led me to believe.

The New York state legislature is considering a bill to raise the state's minimum wage to $8.50 an hour. The current minimum wage in New York is $7.25 per hour, which, at a standard 2000 hours per year, works out to a pre-tax income of $14,500.

I usually don't give a fuck about casting news, but when I saw that Shirley MacLaine was cast on Downton Abbey it seemed so awesomely perfect I thought for sure it had to be a prank. It isn't.

The Muppets are liberal. No, they are communists. This, according to the Fox Business Network's Eric Bolling, who went on a spiel last month decrying the latest Muppet film's choice of villain — a greedy Texas oilman, a common stock villain in Hollywood motion pictures. And now the Muppets have publicly acknowledged their sharp commie biases, by making a joke about how terrible a television channel Fox News is.

Since all things go in 20 year cycles, we're about to be inundated with all sorts of '90s nostalgia. While I'm all for ironically dancing to "Poison" and embracing M.C. Hammer harem pants, there is one relic from my good old days that needs to stay in the past: Special K.

"Unfriend Finder" is a browser extension that lets you know when someone has defriended you on Facebook. It's a very useful piece of software, in the sense that if you ever want to install it you know your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere.

He knows just where to take that receipt.

Beef: It's What's For Dinner—Provided You Can Afford Its Record Price These Days. That is the slogan that Big Beef doesn't want you hearing. But facts are facts, folks: "Retail beef prices, now near record levels, will likely rise 4% to 5% this year following a 10% increase in 2011."

It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up!