Last night, a horribly inbred beast called "Malachy" was named Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. What is this thing? It is a...

A Portland couple was arrested last night and accused of disorderly conduct after police heard multiple reports that a woman was "tied up in a car with duct tape over her mouth."

This is just a crazy string of betrayals, but this rocker is thinking of leaving his celeb partner to shack up with a new lady. This singer skipped the Grammys to enter rehab, and these TV news personalities are on the rocks. Let's see how long they can keep this news under wraps.

Fearless Washington, DC TV reporter Andrea McCarren is fearless enough to take on that most taboo of subjects: kids these days. With the drinking, and the boozing. These teenagers and their drunkenness. But lo: a bunch of drunk teens were too much even for fearless reporter Andrea McCarren.

An unidentified man suffered cardiac arrest a heart attack while eating a meal called a "Triple Bypass Burger" at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas on Saturday.

Whole Foods, the grocery store for pretentious upper class urbanites and those who aspire to be same, wants to make it clear to the world that it is not a grocery store for pretentious upper class urbanites. Not at all. What gave you that idea?

LINSANITY! is sweeping the nation, and you're still fairly certain that that's not even a word. That's OK; it's not, really. But every now and then, a figure from the sports world emerges, words are invented (remember Tebowing?), and the athlete in question very quickly becomes impossible to ignore—even for non sports fans. This month, the unavoidable sports guy is Jeremy Lin, a 23-year-old Harvard grad and NBA player.

On tonight's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert took a look at the war on religion that President Obama is waging via his contraception plan. Colbert turned specific attention to the path toward tyranny that we, in Rick Santorum's view, are now on. It all ends with a guillotine and some very suggestive imagery.

A Pekingese named Malachy won Best in Show at the 136th Westminster Kennel Club dog show Tuesday night, beating out the breed of dog you have even though it's obvious that that breed is the one that should have won.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart took a look at the arguments various right wing types are floating against the idea that women should be serving at the front lines of our military. Rick Santorum is worried that female soldiers endanger missions as the male soldiers would have trouble seeing them in peril. Liz Trotta, a Fox News psycho, doesn't want women around because they're getting raped too much, which is obviously their fault. She actually said that.

The Huffington Post has picked up on a story that President Dwight D. Eisenhower held meetings with extraterrestrials three, count ‘em, three times over the course of one month while government officials were told he was on holiday in Palm Springs.

Hugh Hefner's 21-year-old son Marston Hefner was arrested late Sunday night on charges of domestic violence, so it will probably be at least a couple years before he's allowed to put on a dumb light show at the Grammys.

The Pew Center on the States released the details today of a study that found almost two million deceased Americans still have active registration on voter rolls. This puts the dead leaps ahead of the 51 million U.S. citizens who are eligible, but not registered, to vote.

Happy Valentine's Day: Watch your step. Don't hurt yourself. [Animal]

A British cardiologist named Dr. Alexander Lyon is freaking everyone out this Anna Howard Shaw Day by suggesting that "death by heartbreak" is way more prevalent than previously believed.

You're like, 'what?!' And I'm telling you, yes, that the singer best known for hips prone to truth-telling was attacked by a sea lion who thought her Blackberry was a fish and almost mauled her.

Here we are six weeks into 2012, and we've barely even stopped to contemplate all of the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that pours forth from Northwestern University rap star and Tom Hanks scion Chet Haze. We will now remedy that. Below, a thorough review of all of Chet's wisdom shared on Twitter thus far this year. Absorb that shit.

Valentine's Day is all about love, romance, sex, and funding the American greeting card, flower, chocolate, and restaurant industries. What better way to celebrate all that than with a dirty story about James Franco's sex life?

He is Dan Kaufman, Dan Kay, Dan Katze. He is a celebrity chef, an internet entrepreneur, a television producer. He has worked for Apple, Google, AOL, the Rainbow Room. He hangs out with Steve Case, Gordon Ramsey, Tim Armstrong. He's a world-class surfer, a AAA baseball legend, the founder of a seminal punk band. He's one of the more persistent and obsessive grifters to ply the streets of New York City—not to mention online dating sites—in recent decades.

And, yes, it's called "E.Tree," thanks for asking.