Whoa! Calm down there, Kim. Don’t have too much fun.

Long before he met with Sean Penn for an interview that would lead, at least partly, to his recapture last week, lawyers for Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán applied to have his name trademarked, the Guardian reports, citing Mexican journalist Carlos Loret de Mola.

On Tuesday morning, it emerged that Kim Davis would attend this evening’s State of the Union. Her lawyers, however, declined to say who had invited her. Thankfully, the Huffington Post has figured it out: Jim Jordan, Republican from Ohio and chairman of the House Freedom Caucus.

Hillary Clinton has been on a deeply uncomfortable streak of trying to show the world her more “likable” and “human-like” qualities. And according to a new poll from The New York Times and CBS, it’s only making things worse.

Tonight, at 9 p.m. Eastern, President Barack Obama will deliver his final State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress. The White House has promised a “non-traditional speech.” It’s a stretch, but that could mean the outgoing president will reveal himself to be a member of an interdimensional race of shape-shifting reptilians, as this YouTube user suggests in an hour-long documentary, a portion of which is embedded above.

Louis Virtel is a comedian, prolific tweeter, and one-time Jeopardy! contestant whose sassy appearance on the show went viral last year. Yesterday, to promote its “Snap of the Union” stunt on gop.gov (“House Republicans will give you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at President Obama’s final State of the Union address. How? Via Snapchat, of course.”), the House Republicans used an gif of Virtel’s flamboyant reaction to nailing a $5,000 Daily Double. Virtel was not amused.

After experiencing mechanical problems and drifting into Iranian waters on Tuesday, the Associated Press reports, two small U.S. Navy boats and their crews were detained and held by Iranian authorities. American officials say Tehran assures them the ten sailors will be returned safely.

No one ever said it’s easy to take a stand against the federal government: it’s cold, there aren’t enough snacks, everyone is pissy, and a bunch of strangers won’t stop sending you hate mail and dicks.

As anyone who pays attention to Kristin Cavallari news on a daily basis knows, Kristin’s jewelry company is called “Emerald Duv.” What we haven’t known—until today—is how “Emerald Duv” is supposed to be pronounced.

Today, New York police announced the arrest of a 17-year-old suspect in the alleged gang rape of an 18-year-old woman at a playground in the Brownsville section of Brooklyn, though the case only appears to be getting murkier as more details emerge.

On today’s episode of Dr. Oz, Charlie Sheen revealed that he had gone off the live-saving cocktail of antiretroviral drugs he was prescribed to treat his HIV, which predictably caused the level of HIV in his blood to become once again detectable. Sheen said when he came out as HIV positive, he began to receive offers of alternative medicines that he then explored. At one point he said of his antiretroviral therapy as “amazing for the [viral load] number, but I don’t know how amazing it’s been for me, ya know?”

There is, somewhere inside the Rikers Island Correctional Facility, a safe stocked with with a stash of ecstasy, cocaine and marijuana. Some of these drugs went missing. After close to a month of investigation, authorities now feel confident enough to confirm: Somebody probably did those drugs.

Predictions about financial markets are, almost without exception, notoriously wrong and worthless. With that caveat: we have our first respectable major DOOM prediction of 2016!

Earlier today a Fox Business Network yapper dared point out that there is absolutely no way you will ever win the lottery, because you won’t, you dunce. But this position is for some reason intolerable at Fox, which demands that you waste your money on Powerball tickets, and so the dissenter was yelled at on TV.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley had a poor 2015, having divorced from his wife of 50 years in the midst of a widespread rumor that he’d had an affair with a key aide. Bentley has something to look forward to this year, though: a newly rebuilt beach house. But about that.

Newly released video footage obtained by Buzzfeed News shows two Alabama police officers fatally shooting an unarmed black man at a traffic stop in October 2013. The victim, Cameron Massey, was 26.

On the first day, God created the line.

Drama, drama, drama! The loosely organized anti-government radicals who took over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge were hoping to provoke a war with the federal government—but instead they’ve found themselves at war with each other, feuding, fussing, and freezing.

The restaurant Per Se—once declared “the best in New York” by the New York Times—has fallen from the grace of Times food man Pete Wells, who just downgraded it to two stars (or “very good”) after encountering an apparent cacophony of horrors during his most recent visit.

Last week, we sent Oregon’s armed freeloaders a little package of goods to help them get through an entire winter of holding a nature trail hostage. At 8:05 a.m. yesterday, they received our thoughtful gifts.