Mitt Griswold's European vacation is, mercifully, at an end. The family jet, the Mittlennium Rafalcon has been returned to the hangar, and men in blue coveralls are hosing the streaks of dogshit off the tailfin. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster is in the garage. Rest.

A pre-packaged sandwich served to a passenger on an Air Canada flight en route from Victoria to Toronto was found to contain a sewing needle not unlike the ones previously discovered aboard Delta planes.

Ah, the life of a bar owner. You get to sleep all day, gab with your friends all night, and you never, ever have to pay 12 bucks for a watered down Jack and Coke. In fact, other people pay you for that sad excuse for a drink. Don't you wish you could own a bar when you grow up? Sadly, despite what your first grade teacher might have told you, you can't be whatever your little heart desires. Most of you will have to settle for being ballerinas, or astronauts, or firemen.

Bronies, adult internet nerds who love My Little Pony, have reached the crucial stage of any weird subculture's development. They're being cast on the Jerry Springer. Last night Jerry Springer tweeted out the above casting call. Bronies are not happy at the prospect.

A Pennsylvania man who was distracted by a cellphone conversation fell over the edge of the platform at a Philadelphia-area train station, slamming head-first into the tracks.

If you wanted to rob a high-end Las Vegas casino, I imagine the best plan would be something involving an inside accomplice, cutting-edge technology, stealth, and a well-planned getaway. The "run in and grab what you can" method would not be the primary choice of most successful casino robbers.

Having lost all sense of reason and purpose for living since his yellow brassiere'd girlfriend was caught rubbing her butt on on the crotch of another, Robert Pattinson is now spending his days holed up in a Country Living nightmare, courtesy of actress Reese Witherspoon, Us Weekly reports.

Great Britain won its first gold medal of the 2012 Olympics today — in women's pair rowing — and the country celebrated the only way it knows how: with a rich buffoon doing something embarrassing and ridiculous.

Nearly 600,000 people have confirmed their participation in Mike Huckabee's Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, per the event's Facebook page.

SPOTTED, 8 A.M.: Sweaty, post-workout Lena Dunham, on Montague St. in Brooklyn Heights. A defining generational moment.

CNN's ratings continue to tumble and it's probably Piers Morgan's fault.

Angry self sin-loathing heterosexual human sexuality sex columnist Andrea Peyser has long supported strong role models for young teenage girls of America who want nothing more than to lead a simple life involving simulated rape scenes with vampires within the confines of a traditional marriage. Well. Andrea has some very, very sad news to break to you, tween-age aspiring vampire fuckers: that movie Twilight was apparently not a documentary.

Following in the lucrative footsteps of Fifty Shades of Grey, the author of a pair of popular Twilight fan fiction ebooks has signed a "substantial seven-figure deal" with Penguin's Berkley imprint.

Walmart employees disturbed by the lewd conduct of two shoppers alerted police to the display, prompting the couple's arrest.

A single bird is believed to be responsible for the strike that tore a large chunk out of the nose of United Airlines flight bound for Denver.

Groundbreaking gay author, screenwriter, political essayist, and playwright Gore Vidal died Tuesday at age 86, as reported on his official website.

Good news, fans of The Who. If you happen to have your tickets to the band's canceled 1979 concert and you're still alive, you can finally get your money's worth.

OK, take this one with a grain of salt — it comes from a British tabloid, so a big grain — but the latest unverifiable rumor in the Kristen Stewart-Robert Pattinson saga is that RPattz wants to have a talk with Liberty Ross, the model wife of the man who had a fling with KStew.

Olivia Munn suffers from trichotillomania, which causes her to rip out her eyelashes. Also she feels awkward at parties.

The Drew Peterson murder trial began today — no, not for Peterson's fourth wife, Stacy Peterson, who mysteriously disappeared in 2007.