What do you get when you mix up dirty gangstress Khia's infamously foul-mouthed ode to oral reciprocation "My Neck, My Back" with Carly Rae Jepsen's cloyingly infectious coquetry anthem "Call Me Maybe"? W.R.7's "All You Ladies Call Me Maybe Like This" — and a very weird boner.

Service meta-journalism: after reading our series of unemployment stories, a staffer at ABC News sent us the following note:

YouTube star discovers what the Internet is actually for: Chris Crocker releases his first porn clip. (NSFW)

Here's Vice President Joe Biden creating an entire week's worth of Fox Nation content at a campaign stop in Virginia: "He said in the first hundred days, he's going to let the big banks write their own rules — unchain Wall Street. They're going to put y'all back in chains."

New York Magazine was the first to point out this serendipitous photo taken by AP photog Carolyn Kaster at an Obama rally in Iowa, particularly how it appears to depict the President's ostensible wizarding qualities.

This morning, Taylor Swift has released the first single off her upcoming Red album, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." It shot to No. 1 on the iTunes chart faster than any song in history, says MSN Music UK. You will be hearing this song everywhere you go for the next sixth months at least, like it or not. Produced by pop music's mad scientist Max Martin, this thing has instant "Since You've Been Gone" status. Swift's country roots are mostly obscured in favor of ear candy with a slightly druggy four-on-the-floor beat. If this were stripped down and shaded a little more intricately, it could sound like cosmic disco.

Robert Pattinson took his "I'm totally over Kristen Stewart" tour to the New York Stock Exchange, where he and Cosmopolis director David Cronenberg rang the Opening Bell, launching, as People magazine pointed out, a thousand "'ring my bell anyday' quips."

Here's the new video for disco-kissed pop duo Kisses' wonderfully airy cover of Robert Palmer's new-wave classic "Johnny and Mary," filmed on tour in Rio. The L.A. band is finishing up a new album, featuring production by Tim Larcombe and St. Etienne's Pete Wiggs; till then, you can listen to the first single, "Funny Heartbeat," here.

Brazos County Constable Brian Bachmann and another man were shot and killed yesterday in College Station, Texas, by a gunman identified as 35-year-old Thomas Alton Caffall.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has just released the newest map charting obesity across the United States of Fatlandia. Here's the verdict for 2011:

Teddy is just a very normal cat who is identical in every way to every other cat who ever lived.

One hundred new words have made their way into Merriam-Webster's august lexicon of the English language, and among them are some of the more "colorful" expressions used by speakers of the modern tongue.

The news this morning: America continues to be a society starkly divided, in which a wealthy fortunate minority diligently works to prepare its own children for a future of perpetuating their social and economic dominance, while the less fortunate majority struggles simply to survive. It's Tuesday.

A 17-foot, 7-inch Burmese python found and euthanized last week in the Everglades is believed to be the largest ever caught in Florida.

YouTubers dondrapersayswhat was already well-known for his phrasal supercuts (e.g., Don Draper Says "What?," Sit Down and Shut Up: The Supercut), but a few months back he began to experiment with recreating songs using clips from various movies.

An unshaven, skinnier, cuckolded Robert Pattinson appeared on The Daily Show Monday night to give his first interview since Kristin Stewart ground up on another man's privates in a park.

A hearse driver died driving to a funeral. Police don't suspect foul play, but they agree this is a weird coincidence.

Tonight Robert Pattinson re-enters the world via The Daily Show via John Stewart, he who hath the same last name as that backstabbing adulteress, Kristen.

Robert Pattinson's first public comment post-Kristen Stewart's affair: "I intend not to say anything."

Here's George Stephanopoulos getting a (loud) phone call during his appearance on ABC World News.