If you're a poor desperate person looking for a road to economic salvation, you need to stop dreaming about hitting a jackpot on the internet casino, and start looking for a job at an ad agency that helps convince other suckers to blow their money at internet casinos. Advertising for those fuckers is gonna be big.
Watch what happens when a radical American time traveler from the year 1991 tries to use a $20 Pizza Hut coupon booklet found inside a sealed VHS of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie.
As many on the East Coast prepare for whatever wreck and ruin Sandy has in store, wouldn't it be nice to know that the government too is preparing to provide relief to those most affected by the aftermath? Which is why it might be useful to know that under Romney/Ryan, the answer to that question would be "absolutely" nothing.
In times of fear and anxiety, of uncertainty and danger, when the winds are howling and the sky is crashing down — where do you turn? You turn to the shirtless guy in the horse mask jogging in the background of NBC's live coverage of Frankenstorm Sandy in Washington, D.C.
Hurricane Sandy may have been hundreds of miles away from Midtown Manhattan yesterday morning, but thousands of comedy fans were already walking around with a cloud over their heads.
Were you thinking about not taking Hurricane Sandy seriously? Do you not find Bloomberg's warnings adequately stimulating? Are you treating Frankenstorm as an excuse to just get drunk and play hooky from work? Well, if so, the National Weather Service in Mt. Holly, New Jersey wants you to know that THE STORM IS NO JOKE AND WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES AND THINK OF THE CHILDREN etc. From their press release this afternoon:
On Friday night, a wasted lawyer locked herself out of her Manhattan apartment. Pretty standard stuff, right? I mean, who hasn't done that at some point? Well, what's not so standard about this particular case is the part where the lawyer hatched a convoluted drunken scheme to break-in to her own apartment via her building's garbage chute, a decision that nearly cost the woman her arm.
Apocalyptic Snor'eastercane Sandy is upon the Northeast: flights are cancelled, school is closed, public transportation is shut down, and the supermarket is out of batteries and good soups. Here's a map of Sandy's projected path; New Yorkers, if you're wondering whether or not you live in an evacuation zone, here's a map. We recommend you read the following pieces (and write it all down on a piece of paper in case the power goes out).
Here is the latest majestic photo of Hurricane Sandy courtesy of NASA, which is bordering on a snuff film company. Sandy is now the largest tropical cyclone on record at 520 nautical miles.
