STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.— On October 30, the day after Superstorm Sandy soaked thousands of homes with a two-story surge of seawater, housewares, and sludge, America's would-be first lady tried to unite a nation her husband spent the previous year helping to divide. Sporting a fire-engine red windbreaker, flanked by election banners and carefully arranged FedEx boxes marked "storm relief," Ann Romney asked a room of swing-state campaign workers to put aside partisan allegiances and perform one "very easy" task: "What I've been tweeting out is to contact [the] American Red Cross," she instructed—either donating via text message, or dropping off blankets and water that would be sent to the national organization. And she had company on that politically neutral ground. The same day, President Obama dropped by the American Red Cross' white-columned national headquarters in Washington to volunteer, in part by manning its official Twitter account. In the days after, the president continued to stress that "supporting the Red Cross is the best and fastest way" to provide aid.

CNN released a statement today saying it has commandeered the Empire State Building's "state-of-the-art dynamic lighting system" for the purposes of transforming the skyscraper into a building-size election results meter that will display "CNN's running tally of the race to 270."

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone don't need no stinkin' election results to call a winner.

There are thousands of victims of Hurricane Sandy that no one is talking about: Rich people whose parties totally got ruined. Thankfully, the Wall Street Journal speaks for them.

What can save a declining beer brand? Drunker customers.

In a moment of recollection ripped right out of the tenderest bit of fan fiction, Kirstie Alley has revealed in a new book that she and actor Patrick Swayze had an affair...of The Heart...while both were married to other people.

Election Day is the absolute worst day to be on the internet. (The Onion agrees.) If it's not the friends — "friends" — you disagree with saying stupid stuff, it's the friends you agree with saying even stupider stuff, wall-to-metaphorical-wall across every social network you belong to.

Galicia Malone's water had just broken and she was on her way to the hospital to give birth to a baby girl when the 21-year-old decided to stop over at a nearby church and cast her very first vote.

Here's what the Aunt "J" had to say about this little shitbag: "Hi Gawker, This will make you smile until your cheeks hurt. His name is Jack, he is almost two and he's my awesome nephew..." Sorry, Aunt J. Not happening. Nope. Little Jack will not go viral because he beat that whole "Be-shao!!!!" gibberish to death in less than two minutes. Plus Jack seems a little too proud of himself in that highchair and will become an insufferable narcissist if you don't stop encouraging him.

We've heard a fair bit of anecdotal evidence (meaning "from multiple sources that work in our office") that some people who requested absentee ballots did not receive them. Did you order an absentee ballot? Did you get it? If not, have you asked why? Today is the election, for Chrissake!

It is difficult to have a rational conversation about reelecting Barack Obama. The right still likes to believe the left considers him "Obamessiah." Progressives seem to salivate at how pristinely their principles appear next to his shortcomings. And those young enough to not have experienced the soulfucker that was Clinton's second term almost revel in their worldly contempt after seeing their 2008 dreams brought low. Look, ma, I got my political disenchantment badge!

This morning on The Today Show a white lady discovered how to be cool:

When we asked people to share their stories of voting irregularity earlier today, dozens of people shared this video — currently on the Reddit front page with nearly 20,000 up-votes — of a Pennsylvania voting machine seemingly altering a man's vote from Obama to Romney. We reached out to Joseph Lorenzo Hall, Senior Staff Technologist at the Center for Democracy & Technology, to ask his opinion; here's what he told us:

On occasion, our dormant fitness column, "I of the Tiger," will return to address vital physical issues of importance.

Boy Meets World sequel update: Cory and Topanga's daughter is named Riley. Her "edgy friend": Maya. (Disney emailed us.)

Any good liar will tell you that the most important part of lying is sticking to your story no matter what.

The annual Guy Fawkes Night fireworks display at Pentland Community Centre in Edinburgh needs no rhyme to be remembered, as the inadvertent lighting of dozens of rockets gave spectators a show that will never be forgot.

It's Election Day in America! What could possibly go wrong?

Fetching the remote, getting stuff from the fridge, opening and closing doors — Jackson the Australian Shepherd mix does it all.

"Three reasons Obama will win; three reasons Romney will win"—Los Angeles Times headline, which accurately describes the story below, which is simply a list of "three reasons each candidate has to expect victory." (Which of these reasons are correct is not discussed.) What else is in the paper today?