A thorough, deliberate hatchet job is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. It is for this reason no one could remove their eyes from Pete Well's review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar last month; it is for this reason that Adam Mars-Jones was given an award by newly-minted Hatchet Job of the Year for dismantling Michael Cunningham's (of "The Hours? They should call this thing The Weeks!" fame) new book, By Nightfall, earlier this year.

This morning's news that NFL lineman Jovan Belcher had murdered his girlfriend and then subsequently committed suicide was extremely tragic. Any compassionate human being would immediately would reflect on the fact that a talented athlete wasted his own life and unfairly ended his girlfriend's as well.

Last week we asked you to come up with gifts for the type of person who might decide to drink whiskey out of the bottle in lieu of cooking dinner. From delicious mixers to hangover cures, here's the best of what you drunk people came up with:

The New York Times has a fairly lengthy profile of the 28-year-old former recreational bodybuilder, University of Pennsylvania graduate, and "mastermind," Maria Popova.

I fought Jimmy Nuñez when I was in the sixth grade. He was in the eighth. I was already tall. I may have even had half an inch on him, but I was clumsy. He was a much better fighter than I was.

Crumbling Time-Prince Jude Law wants the world to know he's perfectly happy to at long last to look like a disgusting skin monster just like everyone else. With his recent conversation with T Magazine ("Who Are You Calling Pretty Boy"), Law has finally completed the ancient ritual of the Aging Male Beauty interview, declaring his utter relief to have finally slid into human levels of attractiveness.

An Arizona man bombed a local Social Security office but forgot to do it during business hours - the building was empty.

In the words of Margaret Cho, you got a cool mommy. In the words of RuPaul, so don't fuck it up. Some of the best answers from last week's post about gifts for cool parents are below:

Kansas City police are currently investigating two shootings that took place this morning. They say a Chiefs player shot and killed his girlfriend at their home and then headed to a practice facility where he committed suicide.

What kind of science news are you looking for today? Do you want to hear about ancient Greek murder caves? Korean unicorn caves? About those crazy little eyeless fish that swim around in silt-black underground lakes as if to say that eyes are for chumps? You're in luck; all of those things have been discovered this week.

Back in April, North Korea tried to send a rocket into space while the rest of the world was like, "c'mon man, please just don't do that." The launch famously failed after the rocket blew up a few minutes after it was fired off.

Hugh Jackman, pronounced "You Jack Men" when said slowly by your dad as he smiles at you until you get the joke, is of course playing Jean Valjean in this year's adaptation of Les Miserables.

Empathy comes from the weirdest place and the least savory of intentions in the just-released documentary Addicted to Fame, B-movie director David Giancola's chronicle of his 2007 film Illegal Aliens - the movie that also has the distinction of being Anna Nicole Smith's last. She was hired specifically as a stunt, to cultivate the "oh my god they didn't" factor, as Giancola, puts it. But he never trusted her. To ensure her reliability, he got her to invest in the movie and, aware that he had a train wreck on his hands, he documented the filming process extensively.

Welcome to the weekend. Mother always said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Or at least my mother did. I do not think that's what your mothers said or, at least, you are not very good listeners. Here is the best you had to offer this week. And know this, Prince William may be the Douche of THE Cambridge, but all of you are the Douche of MY Cambridge.

The craziest thing happened to 15-year-old 22-year-old Taylor Swift this year, while she was spending all day in her PJ's because Sundays #rule: She made $57 million dollars.

They roam the toughest streets of Cairo without fear, beg for food, get into fights, run from tear gas shells, and if you stare at them, they stare right back. No, we're not just talking about Egypt's youthful protesters, we're talking about the country's feral cats. There's thousands of these urban felines wandering around the city and like everyone else, they hustle to survive. Here's a photo tribute to these furry badasses below and more in the gallery above. They're everywhere!

Feeling overwhelmed with the rash of Lohan coverage that has broken out all over the media since yesterday? That's how Lindsay Lohan feels all the time, she's so overwhelmed, can everyone just stop talking, she's feeling really overwhelmed right now, she needs a cigarette, will everyone just SHUT UP?

Danielle Fishel of Boy Meets World's Topanga Lawrence fame is a well-adjusted child star, so having her play Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor on last night's episode of E!'s pop culture recap The Soup shouldn't have worked.

Assembling an all-white male team to lead almost all the House committees next Congress didn't go over very well with voters, so House Speaker John Boehner announced today that female lawmaker Candice Miller (R-MI) will be appointed to chair the House Administration Committee.

On Thursday evening, a Facebook user named Nolan Daniels posted a poorly-photoshopped picture of his supposedly-winning Powerball ticket, along with the offer that he would give $1 million to a random person who shared it. So far it's been shared over 200,000 times, because Like-addled Facebook users will share anything no matter how obviously untrue it is.