There's unfortunate news coming out of L.A. this morning. Kim Kardashian wrote a tearful goodbye post to her little, Mercy, who died of stomach cancer earlier this week.

Perhaps you have already been following reporter Paul Salopek's Out of Eden project, a seven-year attempt to follow the migration patterns of early humans as they radiated outward from East Africa's Great Rift Valley across Europe and Asia to the New World. Perhaps you already follow him as he details his preparations for the trip on Twitter and have found your throat enveloped by the haggard claw of envy as you picture how much of the next seven years you'll spend sitting in front of a desk as this intrepid journeyman fulfills the deepest longing of your once-adventurous heart. If you have not yet heard of it, however, you are in for a true delight; as the Nieman Lab reports, Salopek will be broadcasting narratives from his journey every 100 miles or so.

The first time I tried to end my life my father had just finished brutally pounding my mother. I felt horrified, angry and helpless. I don't remember the specifics of that particular attack, but I do remember my response. Eleven years or so of life had begun to feel like an eternity of pain, and I wanted out quickly. So I moved toward the window in the small bedroom that I shared with my three younger sisters and, with mournful tears in my eyes, announced that I was going to jump. I thought that my leap would distract my father long enough to stop him from punching my mother in her face. I wanted him to stop. And I prayed to God to take him or me. Either way, I wanted out.

Bill Clinton, the man who famously "did not inhale," is definitely getting ready for the inevitable legalization of marijuana. We're pretty sure that he and Hil' have a gorgeous vaporizer all picked out and ready to go.

Five members of a tiny twink army, known to most as One Direction, were on The Late Show With David Letterman last night. They were pretty humble, albeit kind of boring, during their sit down with Dave. But the show's most exciting moment was their entrance when fellow guest Dustin Hoffman accompanied them to the stage. Left with nowhere to sit, Hoffman sat on the lap of 1D's Niall Horan.

If I told you we listened to Beyoncé in the office this afternoon, would you accuse us of being Illuminati? What if I told you Nick Denton has a tattoo of a pyramid on his bicep and the password to get into the office is "Baphomet?" Then would you say we were Illuminati? Well, only one of those things is true.

Is it a crime for someone simply to share a link to stolen information? That seems to be the message conveyed by today's indictment of former Anonymous spokesman Barrett Brown, over a massive hack of the private security firm Stratfor. Brown's in legal trouble for copying and pasting a link from one chat room to another. This is scary to anyone who ever links to anything.

On Friday, the White House flickr account posted this Election Night photo of President Obama, accepting Governor Mitt Romney's concession via cell phone.

Today, the pint-size dance-pop queen Katy B, released a four-song EP called Danger, which is meant to be a placeholder between her 2011 debut On a Mission and her upcoming sophomore album. It is excellent because she is excellent: tasteful, accessible, charming. The best track is "Aalyiah," a '90s house throwback duet with Jessie Ware, in which both contemporary R&B-invoking singers plead with a character named Aaliyah to stay away from their men. The Guardian compares it to Dolly Parton's "Jolene," and indeed it is reminiscent of with a self-conscious twist: these two singers are paying tribute to the bewitching nature of the late Aaliyah by acknowledging her as an entity in pop songs, one that they can't even compete with. (Really, by naming the song that and spelled it that way, they couldn't possibly be referring to anyone else). The homage is coming from inside the song. Sophisticated and brilliant.

A Swedish visual artist is being accused of disturbing the peace of the dead and desecrating human remains for using a solution made up of equal parts water and Holocaust victim ashes to paint his latest work of art.

Yann Frisch is an award-winning French magician who has spent a lifetime perfecting a single trick: Cups and balls.

For a few brief hours today, militant international leftists hoped they'd found their first global pop star in 'Gangnam Style' rapper Psy, who was revealed to have once performed a song with the lyrics "Kill those fucking Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives/Kill those fucking Yankees who ordered them to torture." Alas (for the internationalists), it was not to be: Psy has apologized, via the following statement:

Well, how about that: Turns out the homophobes were right all along. Letting gay people get married really does lead to dog-on-kangaroo make out sessions!

So sad to see all our friends hanging out together, knowing it will be the last time.

Is Hillary Clinton the Meme of the Year? Maybe. I guess. She sure is good at, doing things. These are the 21 most moving images of Hillary Clinton from the year 2012, probably.

Attention all: this is not a promotional photo of Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock, it is Alec Baldwin's brother, Stephen's actual, honest to God mugshot.

Authorities in Florida have arrested a Palm Coast man and charged him with child neglect for allegedly going to a bar and leaving his 10-month-old at home with no one to care for him besides a pet pit bull.

The Supreme Court will rule for the first time ever on same-sex marriage by deciding the constitutionality of Prop 8.

Hope you weren't counting on any fourth-graders to help you decipher next week's episode of The Fairly Odd Parents. These motherfuckers are D-U-M dumb!

Fifteen years after his murder, Biggie Smalls' autopsy's been unsealed. "No drugs or alcohol were found in his system."