Starting tomorrow, it will be illegal for TV commercials to be so damn LOUD all the time.

According to KRQE, two hit men from New Mexico were arrested as part of an elaborate plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber last month. The plot was reportedly hatched in a New Mexico prison, where convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin recruited then-fellow inmate Mark Aaron Staake to carry out the gruesome crime (which was to involve strangulation with a paisley tie, apparently Martin's calling card) along with three other similar murders.

TMZ is reporting that Track Palin, Sarah's second most oddly named and oldest child, has filed for divorce from his wife of almost 19 full months, Britta Hanson. In keeping with Mama Palin's abstinence-advocating ways, the two's marriage took place when Hanson was six months pregnant with their daughter, the relatively normally named Kyla Grace.

Horror movies make death easy. Lots of people find them hard to watch, of course, but they ultimately make the loss of life a consumable commodity – with the swipe of a machete, the slash of a knife, the plunge of a handful of razors, humans expire. A series of these makes for a fast-moving popcorn picture.

Not since 1994—the year Kurt Cobain committed suicide—have Nirvana fans experienced the amount of tragedy that Paul McCartney is about to cause by appearing on stage tonight with "Dave Grohl and Friends," AKA the remaining members of Nirvana. The news broke this morning when The Sun reported that McCartney was not only too British to know who Nirvana was, but also too old to remember who he was sharing the stage with:

Two thousand twelve. The future. We order our hair online and we get our clothes from a pill. We don't have time to cut a piece of chicken or open a can of soda. We only have time for chips.

The clever editors at the Kansas City Star have come up with a way to make layoffs fun. For them, at least. Reporters Karen Dillon and Dawn Bormann have reportedly been told by management that one of them must go, and it's up to the two of them to decide who it is.

How far is too far when it comes to corporate social-media policing? That's the question at the heart of a new controversy in which a black TV meteorologist in Louisiana, Rhonda Lee, was fired for responding—calmly, it should be said—to racist comments on her station's Facebook page, one of which was about her appearance.

LifeDrive isn't just any carbon fiber shell. It's the world's first automotive body specifically designed and purpose-built for the series production of electric cars — and the architecture underneath the gorgeously fluid skin of BMW's new i3 and i8 electric Concept cars. LifeDrive is innovative, lightweight, and smartly engineered. It's also kinda like a giant skateboard. Here's why.

If you aren't naturally attuned to the frequency at which internet conservatives are currently shaking with rage, you might've been surprised when you visited right-wing aggregation site the Drudge Report this morning and were confronted with the following headline, in 40-point type: "'N*GGER. N*GGER. N*GGER. N*GGER. N*GGER. N*GGER. N*GGER.'" Clicking on the headline wouldn't satisfy your confusion: it linked to The Hollywood Reporter's review of Quentin Tarantino's new slave-revenge movie Django Unchained — a review that barely touches on the word's use in the movie. It's just a review.

North Korea successfully launched what appears to be a satellite into orbit yesterday, in a stratospheric "screw you" to the international community. Here is a North Korean TV special news bulletin on the launch, from Martyn Williams. Skip ahead to :46 to see one of the most passionate news anchor performances since Anderson Cooper's Gigglefest of 2011.

The American baby-naming crisis was already getting out of hand prior to this week, with names like Jaydien being thrown around by white trash parents who are actively trying to damage America's reputation. But now the problem is worsening. Yesterday, the people at BabyCenter—the site you go to when your child has glued his own nipples together and you need advice from parents who have experienced similar issues—unveiled their list of unusual baby names for 2012, names that were given to at least TWO children during the course of the year. The list is terrifying.

Last Sunday, officials at JFK International Airport arrested a woman for allegedly trying to smuggle over seven pounds of cocaine inside Toblerone chocolate bars and boxes.

The Clackamas County Sheriff's has identified the gunman in yesterday's Oregon Mall shooting as 22-year-old Jacob Tyler Roberts.

McKenna Pope, a 13-year-old from New Jersey, has started an online petition to get Hasbro to create a gender-neutral Easy Bake Oven. As of Wednesday afternoon, the petition has more than 41,000 signatures, along with the support of several celebrity chefs.

A new estimate says whites will be a minority in the U.S. by 2043. Share this with a racist uncle and watch him lose it.

Up until 1968, the United States government had a Top Secret plan for what to do in the event that the president died or went missing under mysterious circumstances. The plan was: Nuke the shit out of everyone right now.

While you were busy unfollowing the Pope on Twitter, the evil geniuses at Facebook were busy compiling your year in review, based off your most popular posts.

A hungry, pregnant princess with persnickety cravings is no one to fuss with. But how to get her that extra-long hoagie and 142 oz. soda to help ease her desires? Eat a corn dog while in the scorpion position, and get going.

Fucking suck it, England. America is having its own baby now, with no help from anyone. Jenna Bush Hager confirmed the news by making awkward jokes about her pregnancy on the Today Show – the American equivalent of sending out a formal announcement from Buckingham Palace—this morning.