Jay-Z drops $1M a year on a luxurious dungeon nursery for Blue Ivy because he is both a great dad AND an evil witch.

The Illinois Times reports that a Springfield pastor has taken a leave of absence after making a polite but oh-dear-so-nervous-sounding call to local police, seeking help after he mysteriously managed to get himself stuck inside a pair of handcuffs.

Julia Roberts and Ryan Murphy have teamed up to ruin Tony-winner The Normal Heart, about the AIDS epidemic in New York.

The best thing about Golden Globes night is that it provides dinner to a roomful of stars who otherwise could not afford to feed themselves. The celebs sit smushed elbow-to-elbow at round dinner tables and the International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton looks like an Olive Garden the ad sales department has rented out for its 2003 F-ad-bulous Employee Recognition Dinner. Also everyone gets wasted, which is great for .gifs.

A woman who was arrested for attacking two people in Hallandale Beach, Florida, told a bond court judge she was merely a misunderstood street artist who was "trying to do some artwork."

Friday, Congress finally approved a $9.7 billion package to pay flood insurance claims from Hurricane Sandy. The measure was supposed to come to a vote earlier in the week, but was tabled by House Speaker John Boehner, drawing much criticism from both Democrats and his fellow Republicans alike.

Here is how stupid John Luessenhop's incompetent sixth installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is: An alternate sequel, the film picks up where the 1974 original left off (literally with the police responding to a call from the pickup truck driver who rescued final girl Sally) and concerns a baby who is kidnapped from the demented family of homicidal cannibals. When we meet her in the present, she is played by the 26-year-old Alexandra Daddario and surrounded by horny college-esque kids. She should be at least 38.

In a bit of karmic justice, Mitt Romney got just 47 percent (ha ha) of the presidential vote, according to new tallies.

In a scene from his upcoming BBC nature documentary The Polar Bear Family & Me, wildlife filmmaker Gordon Buchanan finds himself staring at the salivating end of a hungry polar bear from inside a lunchbox safebox.

It is 1986. We are 13- and 14-year-olds, rank-smelling in unwashed teenager jeans, unsupervised and latch-keyed after school, huddled around the face of the future: The screen of a first-generation Apple Macintosh personal computer. Within the machine's non-dairy creamer-colored casing is a malleable visual playground unlike anything we had seen before: Manic fonts, brick-wall patterns summoned with a mouse-click and distorted at will, spray-paint lines of variable size and density.

A new study of racial segregation in American colleges (covering only black and white students) shows that progress has been made in the past 40 years (one should hope so), but also that higher learning is far from integrated. Is that a problem? Depends on your perspective.

If you wait long enough without any expectation of regular victories in politics, it's not surprising that you eventually go searching for them in narrative. Which makes it understandable that "liberals" on TV have used the 2012 election results to claim that the Tea Party is over. The lights have come on; some abstinence pledges have to be torn up, and everyone needs to go home.

Zero Dark Thirty has already shown us how al-Quaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed at the hands of U.S. Navy SEALs…now America is ready for a movie about how Hillary Clinton fell in love!

A Highland Park firefighter who spent last year posting helmet cam footage of his Detroit-area firefights to YouTube concluded 2012 by uploading an 8-minute highlight reel of his better action shots.

Last night, MTV's redneck version of Jersey Shore, BUCKWILD, debuted and The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia it ain't. Nor is it Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Shit, the third season of Jersey Shore is Altmanesque compared to this drooled-out quarter-narrative. Set in Sissonville, WV, and Charleston, WV, it is stilted beyond the point of My Life as Liz, as it follows some girls thrown into a house (one of them talks like she's from Cali) and some guys who maybe know them and/or each other, whatever who cares. There are also some outdoor, countryish stunts thrown in, making the show behave like the most boring, least homoerotic Jackass episode that never was. There was a fight with a neighbor over noise that had uncomfortable and unexamined racial undertones, and it wasn't even like the party that caused it was that fun to watch anyway.

A pilot employed by American Eagle was removed for his plane this morning by airport police after failing an alcohol breath test.

Two LAPD officers are suspected of forcing several women into sex. Courts: protect our right to give cops the finger.

The top-selling album of 2012 was Adele's "21," which came out in 2011. RIP, music industry.

Another promo for this year's Golden Globes has made its way to YouTube. This video features co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in the same glitzy dresses from their last one, answering questions about their expectations for this year's ceremony.

An "intimate photo" of an 18 or 19-year-old Princess Di is being published for the first time after being put up for auction at a New Hampshire-based auction house.