Like everyone in America, Dina Lohan has a theory about why Lindsay Lohan, the human female whose transformation from adorable frecklebean to bloated shriekmonster she oversaw, is "so screwed up." Dina's guess: It's because Lindsay saw her father beat up her mother. (Lindsay's father's guess: It's because Dina "is the devil.")

When William B. "Willie" McCoy (aka Wolf Johnson) died last September, his sister teamed up with the geniuses at Dallas' Golden Gate Funeral Home to give him a proper send-off. Willie at one point sang with the Drifters but made his biggest mark singing bass in that haunting Chili's commercial that stuck to pop culture like BBQ sauce on ribs. (Oddly, the version featuring Willie doesn't seem to be on YouTube, so here's Nsync's.) That song was sung at his funeral/home-going ceremony, which also featured a barbeque sauce fountain, shrieking pigs, giant rib sculptures, a picnic and a preacher in a chef's hat. Naturally, this was all captured by TLC in a one-off special that aired last night called Best Funeral Ever.

This San Francisco dog sharing program is god damn brilliant. Nobody needs a dog all the time.

Today, New York Times columnist and Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman wrote that President Obama should be "absolutely" prepared to mint a one trillion dollar platinum coin and use it to pay the government's bills. It wasn't a typo: a lot of people are discussing the trillion-dollar coin as a way to avoid a fight over the debt ceiling. But what is it? And why? And whose face will be on it? Here's our guide.

The Google Translation of this harrowing story out of Guangzhou, China, leaves much to be desired, but the gist of it is that a mentally ill woman deemed "suicidal" in local media reports tried to stab passers-by on Baogang Avenue only to be thwarted by a teenager in hot pants and knee-high boots who apparently knows taekwondo.

For the past year, Spanish-speaking parents in Milford, Delaware, who brought their children to the playground facilities near the Lulu M. Ross and Mispillion elementary schools were greeted by a sign that warned them of possible police action if they attempted to use the playground without the proper permit.

Justin Bieber fans are disappointed to learn that the 18-year-old singer will be spending eternity rotting in hell, instead of giving free concerts where everyone is in the front row in heaven, after photos of him smoking what appears to be a big fat blunt full of drugs surfaced online over the weekend.

Seriously, don't try these terrible pick-up lines at home. You could get seriously injured. All comes on in this video are performed on a closed track by a professional jackass.

Google chairman Eric Schmidt arrived in Pyongyang today for the start of a controversial trip to North Korea on a "private humanitarian mission" with former New Mexico governor Bill Richardson. The State Department isn't too keen on the visit, coming so soon after North Korea pissed off the world by launching a satellite into orbit. But Eric Schmidt does what he wants, because he is from The Internet, and The Internet heeds no mortal law.

The third season of Downton Abbey, ITV's counterrevolutionary paean to inequality and feudalism, is currently airing in the United States, where it will disappoint and frustrate the fans who are still sticking around in the hopes it might recapture some of the magic of the first season. Spoiler alert: it doesn't, and as with the second season I highly recommend that you don't invest any time or emotional energy in this new one, which doesn't even have a crowd-pleasing Christmas-special payoff.

Dave Schneider did everything he could to get Delta to let him bring his classic 1965 Gibson ES-335 on board his flight from Buffalo, NY to Detroit — going so far as to offer to buy the guitar its own seat — but was rebuffed.

Consider the predicament of today's aspiring member of the white collar leisure class: all of the old ways of doing things seem to be falling apart. Law school, once the fallback of choice for lightly-motivated college educated upper middle class twentysomethings who weren't ready to face The Real World after graduation, is no longer a safe bet at all. Well, how about business school? No, no, no.

A "millionaire woman" from Wuhan City in Central China has spent the last 15 years working six days a week as a street cleaner in order to show her kids the value of a hard day's work.

I'm ashamed to say that I was completely unfamiliar with the exploits of Jose Mujica, the onetime guerilla fighter who has been president of Uruguay since 2010. (So this is not "news" per se, but education is power.) Having been brought up to date by an excellent Simon Romero story on Mr. Mujica this weekend, we are prepared to declare him The President of Our Dreams Who Is the President You Would Design in Your Imagination But Never Expect to Exist in the Real World. Consider:

An eastern grey kangaroo managed to make its way into the Melbourne Airport parking lot this morning, where it proceeded to give staffers, police, and wildlife experts the hop-around for two hours before being caught.

New York Philharmonic second trombonist David Finlayson took the Internet by storm over the weekend after he combined his musical instrument of choice with a GoPro camera to produce "something fantastic."

William Hilton Paul, the 19-year-old son of Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) and grandson of former Texas congressman Ron Paul, was taken into police custody yesterday at North Carolina's Charlotte Douglas International Airport for public intoxication following a Saturday morning flight from Kentucky.

It was a very good week for very cold things. Absolute zero - theoretically, the lowest possible temperature - just became a little less sure of itself, the smug thing. Physicists in Germany believe that they have created an ultracooled gas that goes "beyond absolute zero" into negative Kelvin temperatures.

Eliot Spitzer, who can't keep a job, resigned from Current TV today, effective immediately.

The Mall of Louisiana is described on its website as a source of "Exciting shopping, dining and entertainment in Baton Rouge." On Saturday night, that description seemed especially apt after a massive, 200 person flash mob in the mall turned into a giant brawl. According to reports, the fight broke out in the mall's food court, where roughly 200 teenagers had congregated for the "social media" inspired flash mob