Alicia Keys will sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. Google "what time does the Super Bowl start?" for details.

Just days after calling its newly hired armed security guard "a tremendous asset to the safety of our students," a Michigan school released a statement saying the retired firearms instructor had caused a "breach in security protocol" by leaving his handgun unattended in the school's bathroom.

Next week, Republicans will vote on a plan to raise the debt ceiling. For three months. Can't wait to do it again then!

Jodie Foster's second public mention of Cydney Bernard — her ex-girlfriend/ partner/ roommate/euphemism/whatever, of something like 16 years -– at Sunday's Golden Globe Awards, left people confused. They argued loudly, angrily on Twitter and elsewhere, about whether this counted as Foster's real coming out and, if in fact it did, whether she did it correctly by voicing apparent anger, frustration and conflict over her cultural obligation of having to discuss her private life at all.

Police in Palm Bay, Florida, say a lovers' spat ended with a man biting off his girlfriend's thumb and spitting it out on the floorboard of his car.

A South African driver is being praised for taking charge after spotting a cop allegedly driving under the influence through the streets of Pietermaritzburg.

Taking his cue from the kids who convinced their parents to give them a puppy after getting 1 million likes on Facebook, Petter Kverneng of Norway got his high school crush Catherine to agree to sleep with him if he secured as many Facebook likes himself.

Who among us hasn't at one time or another experimented with having Pat Robertson in the bedroom trying to save our souls while we got it on with our partner in front of him? That's what college is for!

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

A man was arrested yesterday and charged in connection with a horrifying assault on a subway passenger in Philadelphia.

Following news that one of their former priests was arrested earlier this month for his alleged involvement in a cross-county meth ring, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Bridgeport, Connecticut, released a statement expressing "shock and concern" for the "gifted, accomplished and compassionate" Monsignor.

Last night, Oprah aired the first part of her interview with Lance Armstrong, who admitted to her that he took performance enhancing drugs for the entirety of his career. Of course, we already know that Armstrong had all types of blood and substances flowing through his veins during his record setting seven Tour de France titles (since stripped from him) because he's been outed by everyone from his ex-teammates to Sports Illustrated. So, what do you get when you admit to truths that have long been held as such by the public in a reportedly explosive interview? An interview that is pretty damn boring.

Hijinks are afoot in Los Angeles, where a SWAT team was dispatched to Tom Cruise's Beverly Hills mansion after receiving a call that there was a gunman on the premises. There was no gunman at Tom Cruise's house. There was also no Tom Cruise at Tom Cruise's house — and if there's ever a gunman at Tom Cruise's house, it's probably Tom Cruise being a weirdo.

Manti Te'o, the Notre Dame linebacker whose dead girlfriend was discovered by Deadspin to not have ever existed, is very visibly on the market right now. Maybe he's looking to pick up the pieces of his shattered personal life by falling into the arms of another fake girlfriend? If so (and who wouldn't be?), may I suggest that he consults namorofake.com.br, a Brazilian web site that allows you to buy a fake Facebook girlfriend.

You may have forgotten the legendary gross-out porn-turned-viral video sensation "2 Girls, 1 Cup" — which sparked a wave of "reaction videos," some of which are compiled above — but the American justice system hasn't. (Poor American justice system, too, because, man, is that video disgusting.) Yesterday, Ira Isaacs, the man behind "2 Girls, 1 Cup" (though hopefully not in that way) was sentenced to four years in prison after being convicted on five counts of felony obscenity in April 2012.

Zac Efron is no stranger to getting freaky in sex shops, so it struck a paparazzi as kind of odd that the Disney alum would freak out after being photographed at Fantasy World in the West Village while looking at "an array of glowing dildos."

Rosa Parks is set to become the first African-American woman honored with a statue in the Capitol's Statuary Hall.

An extreme hoarder in Canada who became pinned down when a large pile of his collected belongings tipped over spent two days trapped in his home until a concerned relative asked police officers to check in on him.

Minnesota's Supreme Court last week barred attorney Thomas P. Lowe from practicing law for at least the next 15 months after it was revealed that he was billing a client for sex.

As nearly everyone in America knows by now, the heartbreaking and inspirational story of Notre Dame football star Manti Te'o and his dead girlfriend was a hoax. As Deadspin conclusively proved yesterday, "Lennay Kekua," whom Te'o claimed to have dated until her death from leukemia last fall, never existed. But if Kekua isn't real, then what happened? Was Te'o the hoax's victim, or its perpetrator, or something else entirely? We run down six of the most popular theories.